| Watching a young girl hit, kick, and call her mother | | | | our lives, and even the way our parents raised us |
| names I never imagined a 6 year old knew, engaged in | | | | influence what we think is the right way to parent. |
| an (ultimately successful) attempt to get dessert led to | | | | What is surprising are the consistent findings about |
| an enlightening luncheon conversation with a few | | | | how these different styles of parenting impact our |
| friends last week. As parents ourselves, we had all | | | | children's development. The way you parent can |
| dealt with incidents like this and had different opinions | | | | influence how your children do in school, relate to |
| on how the mother should have handled the outbreak. | | | | others, and whether or not they develop the personal |
| As we talked, it turns out we represented the three | | | | strengths which help our children to thrive and be able |
| most common parenting styles identified during the last | | | | to best deal with life's stresses. |
| 30 years of psychological research. What seems to | | | | Having spent years studying parenting and resiliency, |
| matter the most is the level of parental | | | | research shows that children raised by Democratic |
| demandingness and parents being responsive to their | | | | parents have higher self-esteem, do better in school, |
| children's changing needs. | | | | relate better to their peers in large part because they |
| One end of our table clearly represented the | | | | had greater self-confidence and self control. On the |
| Authoritarian parenting style, parents with clearly | | | | other hand, families with Authoritarian or Permissive |
| defined rules that they expected their children to follow | | | | parenting tend to have children who do less well in |
| without questioning or even discussion. Known as the | | | | school, have lower self-efficacy, less self-control, and |
| really strict parents, authoritarian parents hold high | | | | lower self-esteem, placing these children more at risk |
| expectations for their children and believe that parents | | | | when dealing with life's adversities. |
| are, and should be, in complete control. According to | | | | So what about the woman and young girl who |
| Diane Baumrind (1996), who developed the original | | | | wanted ice cream even though she didn't eat her |
| parenting style categories, these parents "shape, | | | | lunch? What lessons might she have learned during |
| control and evaluate the behavior and attitudes of the | | | | this encounter? Instead of learning self-control, |
| child in accordance with a set of standards of conduct, | | | | patience, and the important lesson that there are |
| usually an absolute standard . . . [which] values | | | | consequences to our actions, she may have learned |
| obedience as a virtue and favors punitive, forceful | | | | that she can get whatever she wants by being |
| measures to curb self-will" (p. 890). | | | | aggressive. She's also learned that her mother will not |
| At the other end of the parenting continuum, exhibited | | | | enforce rules of what is appropriate behavior, even |
| by the young girl's mother as well as a friend at the | | | | though a six-year old isn't able to always make such a |
| other end of the table, are Permissive parents. Such | | | | decision. Imagine the impact of this when she's with her |
| parents place few, if any demands on their children, | | | | friends or as she enters the teenage years or beyond. |
| allowing children "complete freedom to make life | | | | Being a parent is one of the most difficult jobs in the |
| decisions without referring to parents for advice . . ." | | | | world, in part because the demands of parenting |
| (Hickman, Bartholomae, & McKenry, 2000, p. 42). | | | | change as our children grow. What may have worked |
| Permissive parents allow the "child to regulate his own | | | | with toddlers is not necessarily the best way to |
| activities as much as possible, avoid the exercise of | | | | approach it when our children are growing, becoming |
| control" (Baumrind, 1966, p. 889), often those parents | | | | more independent. As the research shows a parenting |
| who view themselves as their children's friends or | | | | style which balances parents' expectations and |
| peers more than the parent-child relationship. | | | | guidance while allowing the child to have more input |
| Sitting in the middle of the table were the Authoritative | | | | can be the best for helping our children grow into |
| or Democratic parents, who are an integration of the | | | | successful, resilient adults. And isn't that what parenting |
| other two parenting styles, setting clear rules and | | | | is all about? |
| expectations but also encouraging discussion and | | | | Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of authoritative parental |
| give-and-take, especially as their children get older and | | | | control on children. Child Development, 37 (2), 887 - |
| are able to take more responsibility for themselves. | | | | 907. |
| Such parents "remain receptive to the child's views but | | | | Baumrind, D. (1996). The discipline controversy revisited. |
| take responsibility for firmly guiding the child's actions, | | | | Family Relations, 45 (4). |
| emphasizing reasoning, communication, and rational | | | | Hickman, G.P., Bartholomae, S. & McKenry, P.C. (2000) |
| discussion in interactions that are friendly as well as | | | | Influence of parenting styles on the adjustment and |
| tutorial and disciplinary" (Baumrind, 1996, p. 410). | | | | academic achievement of traditional college freshman. |
| No surprise that there are big differences in the ways | | | | Journal of College Student Development, 41, 41 - 52. |
| we approach parenting - our culture, the situations in | | | | |