| We all know what a bad parent looks like: intolerant, | | | | YOU HAD AT THE TIME. Maybe those decisions turn |
| constantly critical, more interested in their own affairs | | | | out to be the wrong ones. So be it. That does not |
| (in both senses of the word) than in the needs of their | | | | mean you failed as a parent. But, if you were too lazy |
| children. But what does it take to be a good parent? | | | | to get the facts, if you just took the easiest decision |
| What does it take to give your children the very best | | | | without thinking about the impact on your children, then, |
| start to life that you possibly can?In the 1960's John | | | | I believe, you have failed - even if it turns out that the |
| Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the effects of | | | | decision was the right one!3) Recognise your children |
| parenting on children. In those days he coined the term | | | | are not the only things in your life. In this day and age |
| "good-enough parenting". His thesis was that provided | | | | we seem to be obsessed with the idea that the |
| you avoided the sins of "bad" parenting, you were | | | | interests of the children come first, before anything |
| doing okay, and your children, with their own natural | | | | else. I strongly disagree with that concept. Yes, me |
| resilience, would also do okay.So is that all there is to | | | | must consider the best interests of the child, but there |
| it? Or are there things that you, as a parent, can do to | | | | are other things to consider too.It may be, for instance, |
| be more than just a "good enough" parent. Can you, | | | | that taking a new job in a different city might be the |
| indeed, be a "super parent", even the "ultimate" parent? | | | | best thing for your family - even if it means taking your |
| Or is that just a myth of the feminist movement?Well, | | | | child away from his school and friends.By putting |
| let's get one thing straight once and for all: No one is | | | | children first in everything we run the danger of |
| perfect. Try as you might, you will never be a "perfect" | | | | creating a selfish, "me first" generation where they |
| parent. You will never get it right every moment of | | | | grow up believing that the world owes them a living. |
| every day for every year of your children's growing | | | | Sometimes children have to take second place - and |
| lives. Nor do you need to. In that sense, Bowlby's | | | | that in itself is an important lesson about life. Yes, |
| concept of "good enough" is very true. You do not | | | | before making any decision consider its impact on the |
| need to be perfect. Your kids WILL survive. "Good | | | | children. But, in the end, make up your own mind as to |
| enough" is good enoughBut, I suspect that you | | | | what would be best for the family as a whole.4) Look |
| probably want more for your kids than just average. I | | | | to the long term. Raising children is a long drawn-out |
| strongly believe that there are things you can do, and | | | | process. Have your long-term goals in mind. How do |
| attitudes you can adopt, that will give your children the | | | | you want them to turn out as adults? What qualities |
| very best start to life they could possibly have. And, at | | | | and skills do they need to learn? What experiences do |
| the same time, will actually make life easier and more | | | | they need, along the way, to learn those skills and |
| fulfilling for yourself too. It is not a long list, but if you | | | | character traits?Many times as parents we are faced |
| can manage the following, then I believe you have | | | | with the choice of taking an easy, short-term quick fix, |
| every right to call yourself the "ultimate" parent:1) | | | | or a harder approach that will bear much more fruit in |
| Recognise you are human. You cannot do everything, | | | | the long term. The TV is such a classic example of |
| you cannot be everywhere, you cannot know | | | | this. How easy is it, when the kids are playing up, to |
| everything. You will make mistakes. You also have | | | | just switch on the TV as the electronic babysitter? A |
| your own issues, problems and hang-ups from your | | | | quick fix for the immediate hassle or rowdy kids. But |
| own past. That is all okay. The key to this game is not | | | | how much better, in the long run, to spend a bit of time |
| being perfect, but having the right attitude.What is the | | | | teaching them how to build a model, or sew a soft toy, |
| right attitude? Being humble. Recognising that you have | | | | or put together a jigsaw?Call me a Luddite, if you will, |
| much to learn (we all do) and being willing to be | | | | but if you really want to be the ultimate parent I believe |
| teachable and to learn from your mistakes. A sign of | | | | the very best thing you could do would be to sell the |
| genuine maturity is being able to look back at your | | | | TV! Go out to the cinema as a family, instead. Or go |
| past, recognise the mistakes you made, and say "this | | | | around to your friends or relatives to watch a movie |
| is what I have learnt about myself, and what I need to | | | | together as an "event". But don't just have the TV on |
| work on changing in myself".But there is a flip side to | | | | for hours every day.Why? Because of the old saying |
| this. Constantly putting yourself down with an "I'm no | | | | "garbage in, garbage out". Is the stuff on TV really |
| good" attitude is just as bad as the "I have nothing to | | | | what you want your kids to be absorbing and learning? |
| learn" attitude. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. | | | | Do you really want them to depend on passive |
| Celebrate your successes. Look back to the past only | | | | entertainment? Is it not better that they learn how to |
| long enough to learn from it, then set your sights | | | | entertain themselves?4) Look for the positives. Like |
| forward, and press on in the directions YOU want to | | | | you, your children will make mistakes. Forgive them. |
| go. If you have any serious issues from the past, be | | | | Correct them gently and move on. Always be looking |
| brave enough to seek help and get over them.2) | | | | for what they did right, not what they did wrong. |
| Recognise you are playing a percentage game. We | | | | Children crave their parents' attention. Pay attention to |
| have all heard of them: the kids from the most | | | | what they do wrong, and they will do more of it. Pay |
| abusive, deprived backgrounds who somehow | | | | attention to what they do right, and they will be eager |
| manage to make huge successes of themselves. And | | | | to please your more.Besides, it is just so much more |
| the kids from the very best of families (as | | | | fun to be in reward mode than punishment |
| demonstrated by their siblings) who somehow go off | | | | mode.Finding yourself stuck in punishment mode? Then |
| the rails into drugs and crime.The reality is that you, the | | | | go back to Key 1, recognise you need to change |
| parent, are only one factor in your children's upbringing. | | | | something, and have the humility to go and get a good |
| They are also subject to influence from the friends, | | | | book, or seek help, so that you can find the way out.5) |
| other relatives, teachers, shop keepers, TV, magazines | | | | Stick to your guns. Believe in yourself. If you are doing |
| and, of course, their own genetic makeup.You cannot | | | | all the above, then you are well on the right track. |
| control all the variables. You might be the very best, | | | | There will be times when you make decisions and you |
| the ultimate parent, and yet your kids turn out as | | | | get challenged on them, either by your children, or by |
| failures. You might be the very worst, alcoholic and | | | | others (such as interfering relatives). Unless there |
| abusive parent, and yet your kids do fine. Nothing in life | | | | genuinely are new facts that you weren't aware of |
| is guaranteed.So you play the percentages. You know | | | | before, don't be swayed. And don't be afraid to say no |
| that if you beat your kids, they are more likely to turn | | | | - to your children and your relatives - if that is the right |
| out bad than good. So, on average, beating your kids is | | | | thing to say.Sure, your decision may turn out to be a |
| probably not a good idea. Using fair and consistent | | | | bad one. That happens. Hindsight is 20-20. But far |
| discipline probably produces better odds for a | | | | better to stick to your decision, than to be a plastic bag |
| successful outcome - so do that instead.You success | | | | blowing about in the breeze. You children are watching |
| as a parent is NOT determined by how well your | | | | you; watching how you deal with life, how you make |
| children turn out. It IS determined by whether you did all | | | | decisions, how you cope with adversity, how you |
| you reasonably could to do the right things and make | | | | believe in yourself and stand up for yourself and your |
| the right decisions for them, WITH THE KNOWLEDGE | | | | family. Be a good example for them. |