| And for those with adolescents and teens in Behavior | | | | reason to assume that divorced parents should |
| Modification or Boarding Schools A Parent Coordinator | | | | always agree on them either. What's important is how |
| is an impartial third party available to assist parents in | | | | you deal with differences, not that they exist. It is |
| resolving issues relating to parenting and other family | | | | better for parents to agree to disagree and practice |
| issues prior to their child moving on to their next | | | | compromising than to argue and fight endlessly for |
| program or school after wilderness, or prior to | | | | their own way. This, however, is often easier said than |
| graduation or returning home from their residential | | | | done.Parents who chose their battles and cooperate |
| program. The assist with:Clarifying priorities prior to | | | | when there are differences are more likely to make |
| returning home or moving on to their next program or | | | | healthy decisions for their children. In fact, nurturing an |
| school | | | | overall spirit of cooperation is more important than |
| Developing a parenting plan that meets the needs of | | | | parents agreeing on any one particular issue. Also, |
| the child and the parents | | | | parents who acknowledge and effectively deal with |
| Exploring possibilities for problem solving | | | | their own difficult feelings usually have an easier time. |
| Developing methods of collaboration in parenting | | | | On the other hand, recurrent arguments between |
| Identifying disputed issues | | | | parents make life difficult for children and parents alike. |
| Reducing misunderstandings This situation is different | | | | When parents fight for their own agenda and neglect |
| than when we are Parenting Coordinator's assigned | | | | creating a peaceful environment, their children may |
| by the court. In this situation the goal is not to modify | | | | develop bitter feelings and have difficulties later in life |
| any order, judgment or decree of the court. At times | | | | with their own intimate relationships. Remembering to |
| parents decide to divorce just prior to, or while their | | | | relate maturely and with a healthy sense of respect |
| child is attending their residential treatment program or | | | | for the other parent (even in the face of great |
| school. One way to help children through this early | | | | differences and in some cases bad feelings) is the |
| stage is have the assistance of a Parenting | | | | challenge for every parent. Fostering such an |
| Coordinator to openly discuss what is happening in the | | | | environment teaches children much about love, life, |
| family. In some cases, it makes more sense for | | | | change, and family relationships. Being in a family style |
| children to hear about the decision to separate from | | | | program or outdoor school brings about many |
| both parents who have additional support. If this is the | | | | changes in the lives of both parents and children. One |
| case, the Parent Coordinator makes sure that they | | | | change for children may be in their immediate support |
| works with your child's therapist. They repeatedly tell | | | | network. This might mean a loss of friendships and |
| your child that both parents will always love them and | | | | school ties. Some parents move to a new community |
| that you will always be a family. The difference will be | | | | before their child returns home. This move might also |
| that when they return there will be two households. | | | | include changing relationships with extended family |
| This is where a Parenting Plan can assist.The | | | | members. To minimize stress on your children and |
| Parenting Plan addresses any concerns the child may | | | | ultimately yourself, work to keep your lifestyle close to |
| have like the need to maintain a relationship with both | | | | what it was prior to your child being in their residential |
| parents. It is very important that your children | | | | program or school.When possible, keep friends, family, |
| understand their relationship with both parents is | | | | school, and other community support systems stable. |
| forever and that they will never be abandoned. The | | | | When changes are necessary, make sure you give |
| Parent Coordinator can help explain that a divorce | | | | your children ample notice about them and discuss |
| does not end your child's relationship with either parent. | | | | them with your child's therapist while still in their |
| The marriage may end, however, the parent-child | | | | program. The more comfortable parents are with such |
| relationship will continue Generally, for a child in a youth | | | | changes the more comfortable their children will be. In |
| program or boarding school, short, clear explanations | | | | the days just after your child returns home from their |
| are best. Remember they do not have to understand | | | | youth program, or wilderness program there is usually |
| everything all at once.Their understanding of your | | | | an adjustment period that can last for several weeks |
| divorce will evolve as they get older and will change | | | | and oftentimes several months. During this time, people |
| with their age. It is also a benefit that we will be able to | | | | are adjusting to new routines, schedules, and living |
| work with their therapist in their behavior modification | | | | situations. It may take time for life to seem normal |
| program or boarding school which means they will | | | | again. Don't worry, eventually it will. Some kids are |
| receive additional support. Another important message | | | | open about their feelings and the associated changes |
| for kids to hear is that in no way is the divorce their | | | | they experience. Others will be less vocal.Make room |
| fault, nor are they able to keep you together. When | | | | for whatever your children are experiencing. It is a |
| the idea of parents separating is completely new to | | | | mistake to believe kids must talk about their feelings. |
| your child, reinforce to them that you will make every | | | | Sample Checklist for a stable home environment after |
| effort to keep things stable for them. At the same | | | | your child returns home from their program: Avoid too |
| time, let them know about upcoming changes. | | | | frequent changeovers between homes if this is a two |
| Remember children will ask the same questions | | | | household family. |
| repeatedly. This is normal and is their way of gaining a | | | | Be nurturing, supportive, and available. |
| sense of security and reassurance about the future. It | | | | Create routines and schedules. |
| is important to keep your answers simple and | | | | Develop a firm parenting schedule that provides |
| consistent.It is very important that both parents | | | | frequent and regular contact with the nonresident |
| reinforce that the separation/divorce is taking place | | | | parent. |
| because of differences between the parents. Working | | | | Do not burden children with adult responsibilities. |
| with your child's therapist in their program helps you | | | | Do not rely on children to be your confidants or |
| conduct such conversations without damaging or | | | | companions. |
| disparaging remarks about the other parent. Children | | | | End parental conflict, at least within the child's earshot. |
| adjust more easily when parents show a healthy | | | | Provide clear rules and limits and be consistent |
| sense of respect and caring for the other parent | | | | Support children's relationships with their other parent |
| despite difficult circumstances. Co-parenting | | | | and that parent's extended family. |
| responsibilities apply to all parents whether they are | | | | Seek out other sources of social support for your |
| married or divorced.The extent that parents can | | | | children.A well-thought-out and executed parenting plan |
| effectively co-parent their children greatly determines | | | | is an important tool for ensuring the health and well |
| how children will adjust after returning home from their | | | | being of your children. A good parenting plan will outline |
| emotional growth program or school. Parents who | | | | how you will perform co-parenting responsibilities.It also |
| have a child returning home after graduation or | | | | details how you will handle activities of daily living and |
| completion of their program will now have to start | | | | caring for your kids. The parenting plan is a living |
| dealing with more day-to-day issues concerning their | | | | document that must evolve with the needs of your |
| child's welfare. Decisions, like those concerning religion, | | | | growing children. Therefore, you do not have to include |
| discipline, finances, morality, recreation, physical health, | | | | every potential situation you may encounter in the |
| education and emergencies need to be discussed prior | | | | parenting plan. However, it must be revisited regularly |
| to their coming home. These decisions need to be | | | | to make sure it meets the needs of your family. |
| discussed and made jointly. Remember that married | | | | Children are our most precious resource.We must |
| parents often have differing ideas about all or some of | | | | protect them from undue hurt and turmoil.Dore E. |
| these issues. This is to be expected. There is no | | | | |