| Consistency is the catchword in parenting. It is the only | | | | children calmly and rationally, rather than use them as |
| word that is consistently used for defining your | | | | pawns in some kind of power games between you. |
| conduct in speech and expression and in action in | | | | You don't even have to agree on everything - as long |
| relation to you and your child plus you and your | | | | as you agree to disagree. But even when you |
| spouse. | | | | disagree, you DO have to back each other up in front |
| If you are not consistent, your child gets ample | | | | of the children. If your partner has said NO you must |
| opportunity to manipulate you and play one parent | | | | say NO too; and then discuss it between you privately. |
| against the other. But achieving consistency is a difficult | | | | If you say NO, you would hope that (s)he would also |
| feat, no doubt! And can become more difficult if the | | | | back you up. |
| other parent is too rigid to change his/her behavior for | | | | Otherwise the kids will simply go from one parent to |
| the child. | | | | the next looking for the answer they want. |
| Here are some helpful tips: | | | | So, once again, the key to consistency between |
| First of all, make a plan in advance about how you | | | | parents is the same as being consistent yourself - plan |
| would like to deal with particular situations. This will help | | | | ahead. Spend time discussing your rules and |
| you crystallize your own thoughts and put things in | | | | expectations so that you can come up with a |
| perspective. | | | | coherent plan. One way to do this is to read a |
| The idea is to pre-empt the situation and if it still | | | | parenting book together and then discuss it. |
| happens, your plan will help you deal with it calmly by | | | | Some parents find it difficult to agree on even |
| doing what you have already planned. | | | | fundamental ways of handling situations. This often |
| Without that, you will find yourself put on the spot and, | | | | stems from different styles and beliefs. |
| not having a plan, you will simply react with the first | | | | In such a scenario, it is best to be true to yourself. By |
| idea that comes to mind (which often involves a lot of | | | | virtue of the same rule, give freedom to your partner |
| yelling and threatening!) And next time you will probably | | | | to do the same. |
| react differently. | | | | This may result in some very different parenting styles |
| Decide also which battles are worth fighting - and chill | | | | - one being permissive the other being authoritarian. |
| out about the others. The rule here is that if you have | | | | The children are not stupid. They will quickly work this |
| a rule you MUST enforce it - every time without fail. If | | | | out, and will know what they can get away with and |
| you are not prepared to do that, then clearly the rule is | | | | with whom. |
| not that important, in which case you should drop it. | | | | This is an unfortunate situation and the sooner the gap |
| As a family you can decide certain norms that are | | | | between you is reduced the better it would be, |
| essential and others that are preferred behavior. For | | | | otherwise it will create more problems in daily life. Since |
| instance, some mothers allow their children to put their | | | | you cannot change the other, it is advisable to make |
| feet on the sofa, others don't. It's up to you. What is | | | | some changes in your attitude. At least it will be more |
| important is to stick with what you have decided. Don't | | | | consistent for the children. |
| keep changing your stance every now and then. | | | | If your behavior is not consistent, then the situation can |
| Honestly, it is these grey areas that cause the | | | | become so bad that one parent will completely |
| maximum stress. If you are not clear about them, you | | | | destroy the credibility of the other parent. This kind of |
| can't expect your children to read your mind when you | | | | situation should not be allowed to continue. It is time to |
| want something done in a particular manner. Once you | | | | think seriously about your relationship and what to do |
| make up your mind you will see how the stress goes | | | | about it. The children will learn to disrespect all types of |
| away. | | | | authority, and you will fall in your own estimation. |
| But what if you have a plan, but your partner keeps | | | | Remember, if you always do what you have always |
| undermining it? | | | | done, you will always get what you have always got... |
| Now this reveals a great deal about your relationship | | | | if you want something to change, YOU will have to do |
| as a couple. This is the area where you need to work | | | | something about it. Don't keep waiting for someone |
| on your relationship. Make sure that you discuss the | | | | else to change first. |