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Article #155: Consistency Works Like Magic For Parenting

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The need for consistency in parenting everything - as long as you agree to
cannot be over-emphasized. You need to be disagree. But even when you disagree, you
consistent in what you say and do, and DO have to back each other up in front of
you need to be consistent between the two the children. If your partner has said NO
of you. you must say NO too; and then discuss it
If you are not consistent, your child between you privately. If you say NO, you
gets ample opportunity to manipulate you would hope that (s)he would also back you
and play one parent against the other. up.
But achieving consistency is a difficult If you fail to do that, the kids will
feat, no doubt! And can become more simply go from one parent to the other
difficult if the other parent is too and get what they want.
rigid to change his/her behavior for the The bottom line is to be consistent
child. yourself so that you can discuss your
Maybe these pointers will help: rules and expectations with your partner
First off, the key to both staying calm and come up with a coherent plan. Most
and maintaining consistency is to have a parents find a parent book very helpful
plan. Decide IN ADVANCE how you plan to in this respect. For one, it is written
deal with particular situations. by people who know and secondly, it
The idea is to pre-empt the situation and offers an unbiased objective opinion
if it still happens, your plan will help which is easy to accept by both parents.
you deal with it calmly by doing what you In the worst scenario where you cannot
have already planned. even agree on fundamental ways of
Without that, you will find yourself put handling situations, what can you do?
on the spot and, not having a plan, you In such a scenario, it is best to be true
will simply react with the first idea to yourself. By virtue of the same rule,
that comes to mind (which often involves give freedom to your partner to do the
a lot of yelling and threatening!) And same.
next time you will probably react The outcome of this is that the children
differently. are quick to size up both the parents and
You need to be clear about what is manipulate them to their advantage. If
important and what is not. Then focus one parent is strict and the other
your attention on battles that are worth lenient, the children know whom to go to
fighting and ignore the others. Remember, and get what they are looking for.
you cannot enforce rules on everything; The wider the gap between you, the more
you need to allow some freedom to the problems this will cause in daily life.
child especially if it doesn't reflect Often this results in one parent
poorly on the behavior. struggling with the child's behavior,
For example - putting their feet on the while the other seems to have no
sofa. Allowed, or not allowed? It is your problems! In that case, the most logical
choice - but whichever way you decide, thing to do is for the parent who is
stick with it. Don't tell them to get struggling to see what he or she can
their feet off one day, and then allow it learn from the other's style (and, yes,
the next. usually it will be that they are more
If you think through all the conflicts consistent!)
that give you the greatest stress, you If your behavior is not consistent, then
will probably find that many of them are the situation can become so bad that one
in these grey areas. You can't keep parent will completely destroy the
sitting on the fence. Once you decide credibility of the other parent. This
which way you way to jump, you will find kind of situation should not be allowed
that much of that stress goes away. to continue. It is time to think
The really difficult part is when you seriously about your relationship and
have a plan, but your partner keeps what to do about it. The children will
undermining it. learn to disrespect all types of
Now this reveals a great deal about your authority, and you will fall in your own
relationship as a couple. This is the estimation.
area where you need to work on your Remember, if you always do what you have
relationship. Make sure that you discuss always done, you will always get what you
the children calmly and rationally, have always got... if you want something
rather than use them as pawns in some to change, YOU will have to do something
kind of power games between you. about it. Don't keep waiting for someone
You don't even have to agree on else to change first.






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