| The need for consistency in parenting
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| | everything - as long as you agree to
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| cannot be over-emphasized. You need to be
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| | disagree. But even when you disagree, you
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| consistent in what you say and do, and
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| | DO have to back each other up in front of
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| you need to be consistent between the two
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| | the children. If your partner has said NO
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| of you.
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| | you must say NO too; and then discuss it
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| If you are not consistent, your child
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| | between you privately. If you say NO, you
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| gets ample opportunity to manipulate you
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| | would hope that (s)he would also back you
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| and play one parent against the other.
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| | up.
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| But achieving consistency is a difficult
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| | If you fail to do that, the kids will
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| feat, no doubt! And can become more
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| | simply go from one parent to the other
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| difficult if the other parent is too
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| | and get what they want.
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| rigid to change his/her behavior for the
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| | The bottom line is to be consistent
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| child.
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| | yourself so that you can discuss your
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| Maybe these pointers will help:
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| | rules and expectations with your partner
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| First off, the key to both staying calm
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| | and come up with a coherent plan. Most
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| and maintaining consistency is to have a
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| | parents find a parent book very helpful
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| plan. Decide IN ADVANCE how you plan to
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| | in this respect. For one, it is written
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| deal with particular situations.
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| | by people who know and secondly, it
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| The idea is to pre-empt the situation and
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| | offers an unbiased objective opinion
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| if it still happens, your plan will help
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| | which is easy to accept by both parents.
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| you deal with it calmly by doing what you
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| | In the worst scenario where you cannot
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| have already planned.
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| | even agree on fundamental ways of
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| Without that, you will find yourself put
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| | handling situations, what can you do?
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| on the spot and, not having a plan, you
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| | In such a scenario, it is best to be true
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| will simply react with the first idea
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| | to yourself. By virtue of the same rule,
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| that comes to mind (which often involves
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| | give freedom to your partner to do the
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| a lot of yelling and threatening!) And
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| | same.
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| next time you will probably react
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| | The outcome of this is that the children
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| differently.
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| | are quick to size up both the parents and
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| You need to be clear about what is
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| | manipulate them to their advantage. If
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| important and what is not. Then focus
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| | one parent is strict and the other
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| your attention on battles that are worth
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| | lenient, the children know whom to go to
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| fighting and ignore the others. Remember,
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| | and get what they are looking for.
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| you cannot enforce rules on everything;
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| | The wider the gap between you, the more
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| you need to allow some freedom to the
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| | problems this will cause in daily life.
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| child especially if it doesn't reflect
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| | Often this results in one parent
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| poorly on the behavior.
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| | struggling with the child's behavior,
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| For example - putting their feet on the
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| | while the other seems to have no
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| sofa. Allowed, or not allowed? It is your
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| | problems! In that case, the most logical
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| choice - but whichever way you decide,
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| | thing to do is for the parent who is
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| stick with it. Don't tell them to get
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| | struggling to see what he or she can
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| their feet off one day, and then allow it
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| | learn from the other's style (and, yes,
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| the next.
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| | usually it will be that they are more
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| If you think through all the conflicts
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| | consistent!)
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| that give you the greatest stress, you
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| | If your behavior is not consistent, then
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| will probably find that many of them are
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| | the situation can become so bad that one
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| in these grey areas. You can't keep
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| | parent will completely destroy the
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| sitting on the fence. Once you decide
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| | credibility of the other parent. This
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| which way you way to jump, you will find
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| | kind of situation should not be allowed
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| that much of that stress goes away.
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| | to continue. It is time to think
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| The really difficult part is when you
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| | seriously about your relationship and
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| have a plan, but your partner keeps
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| | what to do about it. The children will
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| undermining it.
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| | learn to disrespect all types of
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| Now this reveals a great deal about your
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| | authority, and you will fall in your own
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| relationship as a couple. This is the
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| | estimation.
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| area where you need to work on your
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| | Remember, if you always do what you have
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| relationship. Make sure that you discuss
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| | always done, you will always get what you
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| the children calmly and rationally,
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| | have always got... if you want something
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| rather than use them as pawns in some
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| | to change, YOU will have to do something
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| kind of power games between you.
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| | about it. Don't keep waiting for someone
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| You don't even have to agree on
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| | else to change first.
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