| The need for consistency in parenting cannot be | | | | disagree, you DO have to back each other up in front |
| over-emphasized. You need to be consistent in what | | | | of the children. If your partner has said NO you must |
| you say and do, and you need to be consistent | | | | say NO too; and then discuss it between you privately. |
| between the two of you. | | | | If you say NO, you would hope that (s)he would also |
| If you are not consistent, your child gets ample | | | | back you up. |
| opportunity to manipulate you and play one parent | | | | If you fail to do that, the kids will simply go from one |
| against the other. But achieving consistency is a difficult | | | | parent to the other and get what they want. |
| feat, no doubt! And can become more difficult if the | | | | The bottom line is to be consistent yourself so that |
| other parent is too rigid to change his/her behavior for | | | | you can discuss your rules and expectations with your |
| the child. | | | | partner and come up with a coherent plan. Most |
| Maybe these pointers will help: | | | | parents find a parent book very helpful in this respect. |
| First off, the key to both staying calm and maintaining | | | | For one, it is written by people who know and |
| consistency is to have a plan. Decide IN ADVANCE | | | | secondly, it offers an unbiased objective opinion which |
| how you plan to deal with particular situations. | | | | is easy to accept by both parents. |
| The idea is to pre-empt the situation and if it still | | | | In the worst scenario where you cannot even agree |
| happens, your plan will help you deal with it calmly by | | | | on fundamental ways of handling situations, what can |
| doing what you have already planned. | | | | you do? |
| Without that, you will find yourself put on the spot and, | | | | In such a scenario, it is best to be true to yourself. By |
| not having a plan, you will simply react with the first | | | | virtue of the same rule, give freedom to your partner |
| idea that comes to mind (which often involves a lot of | | | | to do the same. |
| yelling and threatening!) And next time you will probably | | | | The outcome of this is that the children are quick to |
| react differently. | | | | size up both the parents and manipulate them to their |
| You need to be clear about what is important and | | | | advantage. If one parent is strict and the other lenient, |
| what is not. Then focus your attention on battles that | | | | the children know whom to go to and get what they |
| are worth fighting and ignore the others. Remember, | | | | are looking for. |
| you cannot enforce rules on everything; you need to | | | | The wider the gap between you, the more problems |
| allow some freedom to the child especially if it doesn't | | | | this will cause in daily life. Often this results in one |
| reflect poorly on the behavior. | | | | parent struggling with the child's behavior, while the |
| For example - putting their feet on the sofa. Allowed, | | | | other seems to have no problems! In that case, the |
| or not allowed? It is your choice - but whichever way | | | | most logical thing to do is for the parent who is |
| you decide, stick with it. Don't tell them to get their feet | | | | struggling to see what he or she can learn from the |
| off one day, and then allow it the next. | | | | other's style (and, yes, usually it will be that they are |
| If you think through all the conflicts that give you the | | | | more consistent!) |
| greatest stress, you will probably find that many of | | | | If your behavior is not consistent, then the situation can |
| them are in these grey areas. You can't keep sitting on | | | | become so bad that one parent will completely |
| the fence. Once you decide which way you way to | | | | destroy the credibility of the other parent. This kind of |
| jump, you will find that much of that stress goes away. | | | | situation should not be allowed to continue. It is time to |
| The really difficult part is when you have a plan, but | | | | think seriously about your relationship and what to do |
| your partner keeps undermining it. | | | | about it. The children will learn to disrespect all types of |
| Now this reveals a great deal about your relationship | | | | authority, and you will fall in your own estimation. |
| as a couple. This is the area where you need to work | | | | Remember, if you always do what you have always |
| on your relationship. Make sure that you discuss the | | | | done, you will always get what you have always got... |
| children calmly and rationally, rather than use them as | | | | if you want something to change, YOU will have to do |
| pawns in some kind of power games between you. | | | | something about it. Don't keep waiting for someone |
| You don't even have to agree on everything - as long | | | | else to change first. |
| as you agree to disagree. But even when you | | | | |