| Whether your divorce is amicable or contentious, when | | | | presented to a judge. |
| and how to tell your children can be a difficult issue. | | | | Most counselors will support a joint parental |
| Your children may already know that there are | | | | communication to the children about the pending |
| difficulties in your home life and marriage, but you may | | | | divorce. However, a joint discussion about divorce with |
| be surprised at the level of their sophistication and | | | | the children does require that you and your spouse be |
| knowledge about divorce. Even if they are relieved to | | | | able to maintain a basic level of civility, if for no other |
| hear that a difficult home life is about to change, do not | | | | reason than to maintain your children's peace of mind. |
| ever underestimate the degree to which your divorce | | | | If you and your spouse cannot be civil, do not attempt |
| can impact your children. The adults are not alone in | | | | to discuss this issue together with the children. |
| feeling the stress and hurt of a strained family situation. | | | | If your marriage has been rife with conflict, your |
| You must take special steps to insulate your children | | | | children may be aware of or even welcoming the |
| and help them through the divorce process. | | | | relief of a parental separation and/or divorce. Do not |
| There is not one simple outline that provides all of the | | | | be surprised if you find out that your children know |
| right answers and information on how to guide your | | | | more than you thought, even if you have been |
| children through the divorce process. When and how | | | | attempting to conceal the conflict from them. |
| to tell your children about the divorce will depend upon | | | | The issues that your children want to be reassured |
| your individual family dynamics, the maturity of your | | | | about involve where they will live, where they will go to |
| children, the ages of your children, the conflict level in | | | | school, whether their activities and daily lives will be |
| your house, and your own individual preferences. If you | | | | disrupted, and the degree to which they will be able to |
| are unsure of how to present this issue, it is a good | | | | maintain their relationship with each parent. Teenagers |
| idea to obtain professional help to do so. Many | | | | can be particularly vulnerable and sensitive to disruption |
| counselors are well versed in addressing divorce | | | | in their lives and schedules. If you are able to work out |
| issues with children and they are available to guide you | | | | a parenting schedule with your spouse, it is acceptable |
| through this process with your children. | | | | to share that with the children to reassure them. It also |
| The type of divorce situation presenting itself in your | | | | can be acceptable to involve the children in the |
| family will have some impact on how and when you | | | | process of setting a schedule. However, that issue can |
| present this issue to your children. If you and your | | | | be very delicate. You do not want children dictating to |
| spouse are amicable, and your divorce is low stress, | | | | the adults and you do not want the children to have |
| your children may not even be aware of the possibility | | | | limited contact with either parent. |
| of a break up. While that means that the divorce | | | | Above all else, do not discuss marital fault issues or |
| conflict has not impacted upon the children as of yet, it | | | | the reason for the divorce with your children. Even if |
| does not mean that it will not. Your children might be | | | | you think that your spouse is the worse miscreant on |
| even more affected by the news that you are | | | | the planet, that spouse is your children's parent. Your |
| divorcing if they were unaware that there were | | | | children want to and are entitled to love both parents. |
| problems in your marriage. If you or your spouse has | | | | That a spouse cannot make a marriage work does |
| been working with a counselor, either together or | | | | not dispossess them of the right to be a parent. More |
| separately, that counselor can lay out some simple | | | | important, it does not dispossess the children of the |
| strategies on how to tell the children. Basic information | | | | right to love that parent and have a relationship with |
| that you want to discuss with the counselor is whether | | | | the parent. |
| you tell the children together or separately and what | | | | Consider that you may have a range of reactions |
| information you can or should give the children about | | | | from your children about the pending divorce. They |
| what their living arrangements will be in the future. | | | | may not be surprised. Or, they could be upset and |
| It is never acceptable to disclose that you and your | | | | shocked. In many cases, even when they are not |
| spouse are getting a divorce when you are in the | | | | surprised, the children might be angry or blame |
| middle of a conflict. To place blame on your spouse, or | | | | themselves. Work with a professional to address all of |
| to provide information in a way that conveys blame or | | | | these emotional reactions. Your children will adjust to |
| fault may make you feel better in the short run. In the | | | | your divorce, if you provide the proper guidance and |
| long run it will hurt your children, and it will impact your | | | | assistance during that process. |
| long term relationship with the children's other parent. | | | | Jean Mahserjian is an attorney and the author of |
| Also, courts frown on providing children with adult level | | | | numerous websites and books devoted to helping |
| information and details about your divorce. Do so and | | | | consumers through the process of divorce. |
| you risk hurting your legal case, if your divorce will be | | | | |