| I'm at the kitchen table writing on my
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| | under no circumstances was he to hit his
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| laptop while my ten year old son tackles
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| | sister. She totally ignored his
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| and pins the six year old neighbor girl
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| | civilized request that the toy be
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| in the living room. It's a wrestling
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| | returned. So unless he came and got me
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| match. When the kitchen timer rings, the
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| | and asked me to intervene, he lost his
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| next round will be my seven year old
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| | toy!My rule had disempowered him and set
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| daughter against the eleven year old
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| | him up to be victimized. It also made me
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| neighbor boy. Sometimes they do tag
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| | the enforcer, and involved me in almost
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| team.To the casual observer I may look
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| | every one of their interactions. If I
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| negligent, but I'm actually quite
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| | was too busy to help, he lost. When I
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| conscious of every move. My
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| | got interrupted repeatedly from whatever
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| laissez-faire style has developed from
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| | I was doing to be the toy police, I
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| countless hours spent observing such
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| | lost!It didn't take long for me to see
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| altercations from a quietly attentive eye
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| | that this was just not going to work. I
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| in the back of my head. This group of
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| | was annoyed from the constant
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| kids has always displayed an underlying
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| | interruptions. My baby daughter was well
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| concern for each other. They've earned
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| | on her way to becoming a bully. And
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| the privilege of holding wrestling
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| | coincidentally, right around that same
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| matches. Despite the many thumps, thuds
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| | time something strange happened to our
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| and crashes, no one has ever been
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| | hallway. It must have become a lot
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| hurt.The big ones somehow control their
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| | narrower, because suddenly it seemed
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| bodies so as not to hurt the little ones.
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| | impossible for them to pass each other in
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| It is really an amazing thing to witness
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| | opposite directions without his elbow
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| . . . I'm not quite sure how they do it.
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| | making contact with her chest and
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| They're like puppies. They feel where
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| | knocking her over. (and we wonder about
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| each person stops and starts, they sense
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| | the roots of sibling rivalry)So I taught
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| the line between play and abuse, and they
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| | him that he was allowed to take back
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| really don't want to cross it. They just
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| | whatever she grabbed, using words
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| need and want to get physical in their
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| | accompanied by force if necessary. And
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| play together.Parents are often concerned
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| | he was also allowed to hold her arms down
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| about physical interactions between kids.
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| | to her sides when she started hitting
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| We feel the urge to rush in and protect
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| | him. In this way balance was restored.
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| the little ones. We set down all kinds
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| | She learned that there were unpleasant
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| of rules designed to keep things safe --
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| | consequences to grabbing and hitting. He
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| no hitting, no pushing, sometimes even no
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| | learned how to defend his space without
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| name-calling (I'll tackle that one in
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| | becoming overly angry or aggressive. I
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| another article). But these rules are
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| | was relieved to see that they could
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| not necessary for the kids. They are for
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| | really work things out on their own
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| us, so that we feel like watchful and
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| | without my constant intervention. And as
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| responsible parents. In most cases, kids
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| | an added bonus, our hallway returned to
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| do not want to hurt each other. Even
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| | its normal size.A key part to this
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| when they are fighting for real, not just
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| | strategy is that the one who is enforcing
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| wrestling. They simply want to defend
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| | their boundaries is not allowed to use
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| their own bodies, possessions and
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| | any more force than is necessary to stop
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| personal space.For example, if one child
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| | the attack. So if my son were to grab
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| grabs a toy that another child was
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| | the toy back and then chase her around
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| already using, the natural reaction will
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| | the house hitting her over the head with
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| be to grab it back, push the offender
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| | it, I'd need to intervene.When I
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| away, and then go back to playing.
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| | encouraged this intuitive balancing,
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| Rarely will the one who was using the toy
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| | conditions became very conducive to
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| put it down in order to pursue or punish
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| | forgiveness. Anger did not build up to
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| the offender. And rarely will the
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| | the level of a grudge. A violation
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| offender persist more than once or twice
| |
| | occurred, it was corrected, and they got
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| when met with this kind of resistance.It
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| | right back to the business of playing,
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| is only when we grownups interfere with
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| | which was all they wanted to do in the
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| this natural feedback loop that things
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| | first place.I wonder what a child raised
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| can get out of control. This is because
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| | in this way would have to say about the
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| often we ask the one who was violated to
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| | current world situation? Maybe that
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| use his or her words to get the toy back.
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| | people must not be allowed to hurt other
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| Guess what, folks? This hardly ever
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| | people, violate boundaries, or threaten
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| works with young children! They are
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| | the safety of others. So we will use
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| physical, not verbal. I know, we think
| |
| | only exactly as much force as is
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| we are teaching them to be civilized and
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| | necessary to protect ourselves and others
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| all that. But to take away a child's
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| | from violation. And then as soon as
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| natural and appropriate defense against a
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| | possible we'll get back to the business
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| violation and substitute one that is
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| | of living together as stewards of this
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| usually ineffective leaves the child with
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| | planet.Copyright 2001 Karen AlongeKaren
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| no way to protect himself. At which
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| | Alonge is an intuitive life coach and
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| point he becomes an enticing victim, and
| |
| | parenting consultant with 20 years of
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| as he is violated again and again and not
| |
| | experience helping families with all
|
| allowed to defend himself effectively he
| |
| | types of challenges. She offers
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| gets angry. And when we aren't looking
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| | consultations by phone, email, and IM.
|
| he really wallops the other kid.I first
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| | Clients often notice dramatic changes in
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| observed this dynamic when my daughter
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| | their daily experience after only one
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| was about a year old. She would just grab
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| | session. Please visit for more
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| a toy out of her 3 year old brother's
| |
| | information.
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| hand and run away. I had taught him that
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| |
|
