| Marilee had grown up with very strict authoritarian | | | | Most children are far more willing to help when they |
| parents, and decided that when she had children she | | | | are part of the process of finding solutions than when |
| would not be controlling with them the way her | | | | rules are imposed on them. Children are naturally |
| parents had been with her. Unfortunately, the only thing | | | | helpful and considerate of their parents and take far |
| she knew to do was to be a permissive parent, which | | | | more responsibility for themselves when their parents |
| meant that instead of controlling her children, her | | | | are role modeling personal responsibility for themselves. |
| children controlled her. In the last year, Marilee went into | | | | As Marilee continues to learn about taking loving care |
| therapy and started to learn about self-care. She | | | | of herself, she will naturally stop allowing her children to |
| realized that she had been allowing her three children, | | | | control her and let go of trying to control them. As she |
| who are now teenagers, to run all over her. "How do I | | | | learns to stay tuned into herself and take care of her |
| deal with my teenage kids now that I have had some | | | | own needs and feelings, her children will begin to learn |
| recovery? I am struggling with setting healthy limits, | | | | to do the same. All people, and especially children, |
| with knowing what is a healthy boundary. What do I do | | | | respond to ENERGY far more than to actual words. |
| about setting limits around TV and computer use? | | | | When Marilee's energy is kind and personally powerful, |
| How do I set up a structure for chores? What do I do | | | | her children will naturally begin to respect her. As long |
| to encourage them to start to take personal | | | | as she is trying to control them and/or allowing them to |
| responsibility?" The first thing that Marilee needs to do | | | | control her, they will have no respect for her and will |
| is accept that she has no real control over her | | | | be resistant to doing what she asks of them. But |
| adolescent children. At this age, and having been given | | | | when they experience her as loving and secure within |
| little responsibility and limits, it is unrealistic to expect | | | | her self, they will be far more likely to respect her and |
| them to suddenly do what she wants them to do. In | | | | care about her concerns. The bottom line is this: people |
| addition, they are not at all used to considering the | | | | tend to treat you the way you treat yourself. If you |
| effect their behavior has on her. Because she had not | | | | ignore your own feelings and needs, they will tend to |
| been taking care of herself, they had not learned to be | | | | ignore you as well. If you judge yourself harshly, they |
| considerate of her or helpful toward her. However, this | | | | will tend to be judgmental as well. If you try to control |
| does not mean that their behavior will not change. It will | | | | them into doing what you want, they will tend to be |
| not change in response to her demands or limit setting, | | | | resistant. Doing your own inner work and becoming a |
| but it may change in response to HER changes. | | | | happy, secure, personally powerful and personally |
| Instead of trying to control them into taking personal | | | | responsible person is the very best way of influencing |
| responsibility, Marilee needs to be a role model of | | | | your children to do the same. |
| personal responsibility. One aspect of her taking | | | | Margaret Paul, Ph.D., best-selling author of eight books, |
| personal responsibility may be to speak openly with | | | | including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By |
| her children. She can share with them why she chose | | | | You" and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding |
| to be permissive in the past, and why this is not | | | | healing process. FREE Inner Bonding course at: Phone |
| working for her now. She can ask for their help in | | | | sessions available. |
| what to do about the TV, the computer, and chores. | | | | |