| "I should have listened to her. Beverly was trying to tell | | | | clients who did not know how to listen. I shared with |
| me how unhappy she was but I wouldn't hear her. | | | | them the following helpful hints so that they could really |
| Now she is gone, and I miss her so much," Allen said, | | | | hear what others are telling them. |
| as his body shook with sobs of grief. Allen felt | | | | 1. Be clear that you are okay no matter what people |
| devastated since his wife left him three months ago. | | | | say so that you can be objective. |
| He was depressed and losing weight-he had no | | | | 2. Understand that people are responsible (and not |
| appetite. | | | | you) for how they think and feel. |
| "I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job because I can't | | | | 3.Make an agreement with the other person as to the |
| concentrate. Getting up in the morning is so difficult. | | | | specific time you will listen to them when you will be |
| Nothing matters anymore," Allen expressed with | | | | rested and alert. |
| despondence. Then he put his head in his hands as he | | | | 4. Find a quiet place where you will not be distracted. |
| cried some more. | | | | 5. Make sure that you will not be interrupted by phone |
| Suddenly he lifted his head up as he yelled out, "Why | | | | calls, radio, or television programs. |
| didn't I listen? I was so stupid! I pride myself on being | | | | 6. Tell them that you really want to hear them, and that |
| Allen, the intelligent executive. Allen, the one everyone | | | | you appreciate their sharing with you. |
| can rely on to solve problems and to help the | | | | 7. Clear your mind, and be totally present and objective |
| company be successful. The truth is that I'm Allen, the | | | | as you listen to what they are trying to tell you. |
| big failure. I couldn't make my own marriage succeed. I | | | | 8. Let them know that you are listening by making eye |
| lost the only woman I have ever loved. I hate myself. I | | | | contact, nodding your head, saying, "Uh huh," or "I hear |
| feel so hopeless." | | | | you." |
| Francine, another client whose marriage also broke up, | | | | 9. Avoid thinking about what you want to answer, |
| said with tears in her eyes, "Why didn't I listen to Ron? | | | | judging, trying to rescue them, or solve their problems. |
| He tried to talk to me. He wanted to tell me what was | | | | 10. To make sure that you heard them, tell them in |
| bothering him but I wouldn't take the time to hear him. I | | | | your own words, "I heard you say. . . ." |
| made the excuses that I was too busy with dinner, or | | | | 11. If you need clarity, ask them for more information by |
| the children, or had a PTA meeting to go to. What a | | | | saying, "What do you mean?" or "How do you feel?" |
| fool I was. Ron has left me for another woman. I feel | | | | (Avoid "Why" questions because that word indicates |
| so hurt and so angry at myself." | | | | that they have to justify themselves.) |
| Clyde and Roberta were clients who also learned the | | | | 12. Listen to their body language so that you can hear |
| hard way about the danger of not listening. They | | | | their truth. For example, if their hands are making a fist, |
| came to see me because their teenage daughter, Lisa, | | | | they are probably feeling angry even if they deny it. |
| tried to commit suicide. She was still in the hospital | | | | 13. Ask them, "How can I help you?" or "What would |
| recovering from an overdose of drugs. Their doctor | | | | you like from me right now?" |
| had recommended that they see a counselor. | | | | 14. Reassure them that their feelings are valid even if |
| The upset parents shuddered as they related their | | | | they seem irrational. |
| story to me, and admitted that Lisa had tried to tell | | | | 15. Express your compassion and let them know if you |
| them numerous times how unhappy she was. Both | | | | feel the same way sometimes. |
| Clyde and Roberta unfortunately were too busy | | | | 16. If there are problems to be resolved, ask them if |
| working, doing chores, or attending charitable | | | | they want you to help them find win-win solutions. |
| organizational meetings, to take the time to heed her | | | | 17. Thank them for trusting you and for being willing to |
| warnings. They had erroneously made the decision | | | | share their thoughts and feelings. |
| that Lisa was just going through normal teenage | | | | 18. Schedule another time when you can be there for |
| growing up problems and thought that they would | | | | them. |
| pass. Clyde and Roberta had learned a very important | | | | If you take the time to listen to the people in your life, |
| lesson about listening. They were going to be sure to | | | | you can avoid many hardships, and you will be greatly |
| pay attention to what Lisa and their other children | | | | rewarded. Enjoy healthy relationships by hearing |
| were telling them. | | | | others, and of course, by asking others to listen to you. |
| These case studies are just examples of the many | | | | Be able to say yes to the question, "Are you listening? |