| "I should have listened to her. Beverly was | | | | 2. Understand that people are responsible |
| trying to tell me how unhappy she was but I | | | | (and not you) for how they think and feel. |
| wouldn't hear her. Now she is gone, and I | | | | |
| miss her so much," Allen said, as his body | | | | 3.Make an agreement with the other person as |
| shook with sobs of grief. Allen felt | | | | to the specific time you will listen to them |
| devastated since his wife left him three | | | | when you will be rested and alert. |
| months ago. He was depressed and losing | | | | |
| weight-he had no appetite. | | | | 4. Find a quiet place where you will not be |
| | | | distracted. |
| "I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job because | | | | |
| I can't concentrate. Getting up in the | | | | 5. Make sure that you will not be interrupted |
| morning is so difficult. Nothing matters | | | | by phone calls, radio, or television |
| anymore," Allen expressed with despondence. | | | | programs. |
| Then he put his head in his hands as he cried | | | | |
| some more. | | | | 6. Tell them that you really want to hear |
| | | | them, and that you appreciate their sharing |
| Suddenly he lifted his head up as he yelled | | | | with you. |
| out, "Why didn't I listen? I was so stupid! I | | | | |
| pride myself on being Allen, the intelligent | | | | 7. Clear your mind, and be totally present |
| executive. Allen, the one everyone can rely | | | | and objective as you listen to what they are |
| on to solve problems and to help the company | | | | trying to tell you. |
| be successful. The truth is that I'm Allen, | | | | |
| the big failure. I couldn't make my own | | | | 8. Let them know that you are listening by |
| marriage succeed. I lost the only woman I | | | | making eye contact, nodding your head, |
| have ever loved. I hate myself. I feel so | | | | saying, "Uh huh," or "I hear you." |
| hopeless." | | | | |
| | | | 9. Avoid thinking about what you want to |
| Francine, another client whose marriage also | | | | answer, judging, trying to rescue them, or |
| broke up, said with tears in her eyes, "Why | | | | solve their problems. |
| didn't I listen to Ron? He tried to talk to | | | | |
| me. He wanted to tell me what was bothering | | | | 10. To make sure that you heard them, tell |
| him but I wouldn't take the time to hear him. | | | | them in your own words, "I heard you say. . . |
| I made the excuses that I was too busy with | | | | ." |
| dinner, or the children, or had a PTA meeting | | | | |
| to go to. What a fool I was. Ron has left me | | | | 11. If you need clarity, ask them for more |
| for another woman. I feel so hurt and so | | | | information by saying, "What do you mean?" or |
| angry at myself." | | | | "How do you feel?" (Avoid "Why" questions |
| | | | because that word indicates that they have to |
| Clyde and Roberta were clients who also | | | | justify themselves.) |
| learned the hard way about the danger of not | | | | |
| listening. They came to see me because their | | | | 12. Listen to their body language so that you |
| teenage daughter, Lisa, tried to commit | | | | can hear their truth. For example, if their |
| suicide. She was still in the hospital | | | | hands are making a fist, they are probably |
| recovering from an overdose of drugs. Their | | | | feeling angry even if they deny it. |
| doctor had recommended that they see a | | | | |
| counselor. | | | | 13. Ask them, "How can I help you?" or "What |
| | | | would you like from me right now?" |
| The upset parents shuddered as they related | | | | |
| their story to me, and admitted that Lisa had | | | | 14. Reassure them that their feelings are |
| tried to tell them numerous times how unhappy | | | | valid even if they seem irrational. |
| she was. Both Clyde and Roberta unfortunately | | | | |
| were too busy working, doing chores, or | | | | 15. Express your compassion and let them know |
| attending charitable organizational meetings, | | | | if you feel the same way sometimes. |
| to take the time to heed her warnings. They | | | | |
| had erroneously made the decision that Lisa | | | | 16. If there are problems to be resolved, ask |
| was just going through normal teenage growing | | | | them if they want you to help them find |
| up problems and thought that they would pass. | | | | win-win solutions. |
| Clyde and Roberta had learned a very | | | | |
| important lesson about listening. They were | | | | 17. Thank them for trusting you and for being |
| going to be sure to pay attention to what | | | | willing to share their thoughts and feelings. |
| Lisa and their other children were telling | | | | |
| them. | | | | 18. Schedule another time when you can be |
| | | | there for them. |
| These case studies are just examples of the | | | | |
| many clients who did not know how to listen. | | | | If you take the time to listen to the people |
| I shared with them the following helpful | | | | in your life, you can avoid many hardships, |
| hints so that they could really hear what | | | | and you will be greatly rewarded. Enjoy |
| others are telling them. | | | | healthy relationships by hearing others, and |
| | | | of course, by asking others to listen to you. |
| 1. Be clear that you are okay no matter what | | | | Be able to say yes to the question, "Are you |
| people say so that you can be objective. | | | | listening? |
| | | | |