| I'm at the kitchen table writing on my laptop while my | | | | brother's hand and run away. I had taught him that |
| ten year old son tackles and pins the six year old | | | | under no circumstances was he to hit his sister. She |
| neighbor girl in the living room. It's a wrestling match. | | | | totally ignored his civilized request that the toy be |
| When the kitchen timer rings, the next round will be my | | | | returned. So unless he came and got me and asked |
| seven year old daughter against the eleven year old | | | | me to intervene, he lost his toy!My rule had |
| neighbor boy. Sometimes they do tag team.To the | | | | disempowered him and set him up to be victimized. It |
| casual observer I may look negligent, but I'm actually | | | | also made me the enforcer, and involved me in almost |
| quite conscious of every move. My laissez-faire style | | | | every one of their interactions. If I was too busy to |
| has developed from countless hours spent observing | | | | help, he lost. When I got interrupted repeatedly from |
| such altercations from a quietly attentive eye in the | | | | whatever I was doing to be the toy police, I lost!It didn't |
| back of my head. This group of kids has always | | | | take long for me to see that this was just not going to |
| displayed an underlying concern for each other. | | | | work. I was annoyed from the constant interruptions. |
| They've earned the privilege of holding wrestling | | | | My baby daughter was well on her way to becoming |
| matches. Despite the many thumps, thuds and | | | | a bully. And coincidentally, right around that same time |
| crashes, no one has ever been hurt.The big ones | | | | something strange happened to our hallway. It must |
| somehow control their bodies so as not to hurt the little | | | | have become a lot narrower, because suddenly it |
| ones. It is really an amazing thing to witness . . . I'm not | | | | seemed impossible for them to pass each other in |
| quite sure how they do it. They're like puppies. They | | | | opposite directions without his elbow making contact |
| feel where each person stops and starts, they sense | | | | with her chest and knocking her over. (and we wonder |
| the line between play and abuse, and they really don't | | | | about the roots of sibling rivalry)So I taught him that he |
| want to cross it. They just need and want to get | | | | was allowed to take back whatever she grabbed, |
| physical in their play together.Parents are often | | | | using words accompanied by force if necessary. And |
| concerned about physical interactions between kids. | | | | he was also allowed to hold her arms down to her |
| We feel the urge to rush in and protect the little ones. | | | | sides when she started hitting him. In this way balance |
| We set down all kinds of rules designed to keep things | | | | was restored. She learned that there were unpleasant |
| safe -- no hitting, no pushing, sometimes even no | | | | consequences to grabbing and hitting. He learned how |
| name-calling (I'll tackle that one in another article). But | | | | to defend his space without becoming overly angry or |
| these rules are not necessary for the kids. They are | | | | aggressive. I was relieved to see that they could really |
| for us, so that we feel like watchful and responsible | | | | work things out on their own without my constant |
| parents. In most cases, kids do not want to hurt each | | | | intervention. And as an added bonus, our hallway |
| other. Even when they are fighting for real, not just | | | | returned to its normal size.A key part to this strategy is |
| wrestling. They simply want to defend their own | | | | that the one who is enforcing their boundaries is not |
| bodies, possessions and personal space.For example, | | | | allowed to use any more force than is necessary to |
| if one child grabs a toy that another child was already | | | | stop the attack. So if my son were to grab the toy |
| using, the natural reaction will be to grab it back, push | | | | back and then chase her around the house hitting her |
| the offender away, and then go back to playing. | | | | over the head with it, I'd need to intervene.When I |
| Rarely will the one who was using the toy put it down | | | | encouraged this intuitive balancing, conditions became |
| in order to pursue or punish the offender. And rarely | | | | very conducive to forgiveness. Anger did not build up |
| will the offender persist more than once or twice | | | | to the level of a grudge. A violation occurred, it was |
| when met with this kind of resistance.It is only when | | | | corrected, and they got right back to the business of |
| we grownups interfere with this natural feedback loop | | | | playing, which was all they wanted to do in the first |
| that things can get out of control. This is because | | | | place.I wonder what a child raised in this way would |
| often we ask the one who was violated to use his or | | | | have to say about the current world situation? Maybe |
| her words to get the toy back. Guess what, folks? | | | | that people must not be allowed to hurt other people, |
| This hardly ever works with young children! They are | | | | violate boundaries, or threaten the safety of others. So |
| physical, not verbal. I know, we think we are teaching | | | | we will use only exactly as much force as is |
| them to be civilized and all that. But to take away a | | | | necessary to protect ourselves and others from |
| child's natural and appropriate defense against a | | | | violation. And then as soon as possible we'll get back |
| violation and substitute one that is usually ineffective | | | | to the business of living together as stewards of this |
| leaves the child with no way to protect himself. At | | | | planet.Copyright 2001 Karen AlongeKaren Alonge is an |
| which point he becomes an enticing victim, and as he is | | | | intuitive life coach and parenting consultant with 20 |
| violated again and again and not allowed to defend | | | | years of experience helping families with all types of |
| himself effectively he gets angry. And when we aren't | | | | challenges. She offers consultations by phone, email, |
| looking he really wallops the other kid.I first observed | | | | and IM. Clients often notice dramatic changes in their |
| this dynamic when my daughter was about a year old. | | | | daily experience after only one session. Please visit for |
| She would just grab a toy out of her 3 year old | | | | more information. |