| Control: Giving it Back to Your Teen | | | | referring to is giving them control over more and more |
| Parents sometimes feel that the only way they can be | | | | decisions about things like budgeting money, education, |
| a "good parent" is to be in complete control of their | | | | clothing, and transportation, not over whether or not it is |
| teenager and prevent them from making mistakes. | | | | time to abandon civilized behavior. While they are living |
| That's not true. A good parent gradually gives control | | | | at home, or even at college while their tuition is being |
| back to their teenager and helps them learn through | | | | paid for by you, you can expect them to be living |
| the decisions, and the mistakes, that they make. | | | | within reasonable moral boundaries, or they'll lose some |
| And when the teen displays immaturity and | | | | of the privileges you are providing. Consequences of |
| irresponsibility, or makes a really bad decision, we | | | | breaking those estabnlished boundaries should be clear |
| parents are often too quick to snatch back control and | | | | and understood up front, and enforced without |
| clamp down even harder on the rules. In those | | | | wavering. |
| situations, protecting our teen from making any more | | | | Giving control means allowing your teen to learn from |
| mistakes may be doing more harm than good. | | | | bad decisions… |
| "The problem with over-control is this: while a major | | | | Giving control to your teen means they'll begin learning |
| responsibility of good parenting is certainly to control | | | | from making small mistakes, but only if you allow those |
| and protect, they must make room for their child to | | | | mistake to hurt a bit. For example, if your teenage boy |
| make mistakes. Over-controlled children are subject to | | | | takes his gas money and decides to blow it all on the |
| dependency, enmeshment conflicts and difficulty | | | | latest music CD, then you're not helping him by giving |
| setting and keeping firm boundaries. They also have | | | | him more gas money. He needs to learn to set aside |
| problems taking risks and being creative." - Dr. Henry | | | | gas money and never use it for anything else. |
| Cloud | | | | Softening the blow will only lead them to making the |
| So, my advice is to gradually allow your teenager to | | | | same mistakes again and again. |
| have some control, and avoid taking it back… | | | | By the way, your teen will rarely come right out and |
| -Let them assume more and more responsibility | | | | say that they made a bad decision. If you're waiting for |
| -Encourage them to make thoughtful decisions | | | | it, don't hold your breath. In fact, they may defend their |
| -Set reasonable boundaries | | | | decision with all their might, all along knowing it was |
| -Let them learn from their mistakes and don't soften | | | | bad. It simply is not in their nature to go around talking |
| the blow | | | | about their mistakes, nor to suggest that they were |
| -Spend more time in discussion rather than dictation | | | | wrong, but they will have learned from the mistake |
| -Offer sound advice, if they want it | | | | nonetheless. |
| -Avoid saying "I told you so." | | | | And, take note of this. Never use the old "I told you so" |
| Control shouldn't be without limits… | | | | phrase with them when they make a mistake. If you're |
| Like training wheels on a bicycle, give your child some | | | | tempted to, bite your tongue, because "I told you so" |
| control over their "ride" in life, but have some basic | | | | tends to undermine the learning experience (and it |
| safeguards in place. These are the same kind of limits | | | | makes an adult sound childish, too). If you offered your |
| we as adults experience. For instance, there is a limit | | | | sage advice (which is the reasonable thing for any |
| on your credit card. Why do you think credit card | | | | parent to do) and they didn't heed it, then it is best to |
| companies do that? Once you prove yourself, they | | | | keep that to yourself. They may only "fess up" that |
| raise the limits. But it's still giving you control of your | | | | they should have taken your advice after years have |
| own spending. In every area of life we have limits, and | | | | gone by, or when they become a parent themselves. |
| it is just as important for your teen to learn how to | | | | A job well done… |
| incorporate living within certain limits as they make | | | | When the time comes for our children to enter |
| decisions on their own. A lack of limits has the | | | | adulthood and make tough decisions on their own, we |
| tendency to produce a child that is selfish, independent, | | | | hope that we have given them ample time and |
| demanding and aggressively controlling. | | | | opportunity to learn from making smaller decisions. As |
| Limits and the easing of control for an older teen can | | | | in everything else in life, good decision-making takes |
| usually go like this. "Yes, you can take the car, but you | | | | practice. If they have had some control over their own |
| can have no more than one other teen in the car, and | | | | decisions earlier on, and they've learned from making |
| have it back here by 11PM." You don't have to go into | | | | wrong decisions, then we've done our job of teaching |
| all the factual details, like studies have shown that | | | | them. |
| having other teenagers in the car is a major cause of | | | | Most teenagers say that they want to be out on their |
| accidents for teenage drivers, and that most accidents | | | | own when they turn 18 and make all their own |
| for teens happen late at night. Simply make it known | | | | decisions. But the fact is, they usually have difficulty |
| (and stick to it) that if your simple rules aren't followed, | | | | becoming independent. They secretly wish to avoid the |
| then the next time they need it, the car won't be | | | | kind of responsibilities they see their parents have, and |
| available to them. | | | | for as long as possible. The tendency, then, is that we'll |
| Teenagers will go wild if they aren't given some | | | | have to nudge them out of the nest in some way, and |
| boundaries. Moral and ethical boundaries don't change | | | | the best way to do that is to get them started early |
| from adolescence to adulthood, and neither should | | | | making their own decisions and learning to do so within |
| your expectations of your teen's behavior. What I'm | | | | the limits. |