| Control: Giving it Back to Your Teen
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| | What I'm referring to is giving them
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| Parents sometimes feel that the only way
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| | control over more and more decisions
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| they can be a "good parent" is to be in
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| | about things like budgeting money,
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| complete control of their teenager and
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| | education, clothing, and transportation,
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| prevent them from making mistakes. That's
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| | not over whether or not it is time to
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| not true. A good parent gradually gives
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| | abandon civilized behavior. While they
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| control back to their teenager and helps
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| | are living at home, or even at college
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| them learn through the decisions, and the
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| | while their tuition is being paid for by
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| mistakes, that they make.
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| | you, you can expect them to be living
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| And when the teen displays immaturity and
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| | within reasonable moral boundaries, or
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| irresponsibility, or makes a really bad
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| | they'll lose some of the privileges you
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| decision, we parents are often too quick
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| | are providing. Consequences of breaking
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| to snatch back control and clamp down
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| | those estabnlished boundaries should be
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| even harder on the rules. In those
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| | clear and understood up front, and
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| situations, protecting our teen from
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| | enforced without wavering.
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| making any more mistakes may be doing
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| | Giving control means allowing your teen
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| more harm than good.
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| | to learn from bad decisions…
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| "The problem with over-control is this:
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| | Giving control to your teen means they'll
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| while a major responsibility of good
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| | begin learning from making small
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| parenting is certainly to control and
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| | mistakes, but only if you allow those
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| protect, they must make room for their
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| | mistake to hurt a bit. For example, if
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| child to make mistakes. Over-controlled
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| | your teenage boy takes his gas money and
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| children are subject to dependency,
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| | decides to blow it all on the latest
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| enmeshment conflicts and difficulty
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| | music CD, then you're not helping him by
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| setting and keeping firm boundaries. They
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| | giving him more gas money. He needs to
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| also have problems taking risks and being
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| | learn to set aside gas money and never
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| creative." - Dr. Henry Cloud
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| | use it for anything else. Softening the
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| So, my advice is to gradually allow your
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| | blow will only lead them to making the
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| teenager to have some control, and avoid
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| | same mistakes again and again.
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| taking it back…
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| | By the way, your teen will rarely come
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| -Let them assume more and more
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| | right out and say that they made a bad
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| responsibility
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| | decision. If you're waiting for it, don't
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| -Encourage them to make thoughtful
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| | hold your breath. In fact, they may
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| decisions
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| | defend their decision with all their
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| -Set reasonable boundaries
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| | might, all along knowing it was bad. It
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| -Let them learn from their mistakes and
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| | simply is not in their nature to go
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| don't soften the blow
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| | around talking about their mistakes, nor
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| -Spend more time in discussion rather
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| | to suggest that they were wrong, but they
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| than dictation
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| | will have learned from the mistake
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| -Offer sound advice, if they want it
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| | nonetheless.
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| -Avoid saying "I told you so."
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| | And, take note of this. Never use the old
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| Control shouldn't be without limits…
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| | "I told you so" phrase with them when
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| Like training wheels on a bicycle, give
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| | they make a mistake. If you're tempted
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| your child some control over their "ride"
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| | to, bite your tongue, because "I told you
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| in life, but have some basic safeguards
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| | so" tends to undermine the learning
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| in place. These are the same kind of
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| | experience (and it makes an adult sound
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| limits we as adults experience. For
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| | childish, too). If you offered your sage
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| instance, there is a limit on your credit
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| | advice (which is the reasonable thing for
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| card. Why do you think credit card
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| | any parent to do) and they didn't heed
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| companies do that? Once you prove
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| | it, then it is best to keep that to
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| yourself, they raise the limits. But it's
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| | yourself. They may only "fess up" that
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| still giving you control of your own
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| | they should have taken your advice after
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| spending. In every area of life we have
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| | years have gone by, or when they become a
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| limits, and it is just as important for
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| | parent themselves.
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| your teen to learn how to incorporate
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| | A job well done…
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| living within certain limits as they make
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| | When the time comes for our children to
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| decisions on their own. A lack of limits
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| | enter adulthood and make tough decisions
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| has the tendency to produce a child that
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| | on their own, we hope that we have given
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| is selfish, independent, demanding and
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| | them ample time and opportunity to learn
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| aggressively controlling.
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| | from making smaller decisions. As in
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| Limits and the easing of control for an
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| | everything else in life, good
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| older teen can usually go like this.
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| | decision-making takes practice. If they
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| "Yes, you can take the car, but you can
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| | have had some control over their own
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| have no more than one other teen in the
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| | decisions earlier on, and they've learned
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| car, and have it back here by 11PM." You
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| | from making wrong decisions, then we've
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| don't have to go into all the factual
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| | done our job of teaching them.
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| details, like studies have shown that
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| | Most teenagers say that they want to be
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| having other teenagers in the car is a
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| | out on their own when they turn 18 and
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| major cause of accidents for teenage
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| | make all their own decisions. But the
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| drivers, and that most accidents for
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| | fact is, they usually have difficulty
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| teens happen late at night. Simply make
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| | becoming independent. They secretly wish
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| it known (and stick to it) that if your
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| | to avoid the kind of responsibilities
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| simple rules aren't followed, then the
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| | they see their parents have, and for as
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| next time they need it, the car won't be
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| | long as possible. The tendency, then, is
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| available to them.
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| | that we'll have to nudge them out of the
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| Teenagers will go wild if they aren't
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| | nest in some way, and the best way to do
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| given some boundaries. Moral and ethical
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| | that is to get them started early making
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| boundaries don't change from adolescence
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| | their own decisions and learning to do so
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| to adulthood, and neither should your
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| | within the limits.
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| expectations of your teen's behavior.
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