Basics of Parenting

Basics Of Parenting“whatever” just to make them do the job. Some
            Today, the one and the onlyparents operate with a default mentality.    They
question that is in the minds of everybody isgive their child what is popular without considering
“where are the youth of this generation going?”whether it will be the most helpful. In actual practice the
as the lifestyle and values of the youth is bothering theparent should be operating deliberately and
society to say the least. Though the  problemspurposefully, giving the child what is useful after
created by the youth and the problems faced by themcarefully thinking through.    They are usually known
are innumerable, it is not the state of affairs of theas “intentional parents” 7.   Depending on what
youth alone that is causing anxiety. The baby on itskind or type of parents they are, the goals, and gifts
way into this world, new born babies and the children inalso change.    In the case of permissive parents,
different stages of growth  also face and causethe guiding motive will be, “If I can just make it
problems. While trying to find the root cause of thethrough the child – rearing years, I can get my life
problem it is the parents who are blamed for it, mostback”.   Their goal will be “jilting the kids out of
of the time.   Though they are not the sole cause,the house”.  They follow the easiest method of
they have a major role to play.   Their success indoing whatever is easy to do.  Hence, they use
parenting depends on the kind of parents they are,bribes, threats and use TV as a baby sitter8.
their environment, the support from the family, the            On the other hand, those “who
possibility of getting trained for parent hood, the level ofwant to give the child what will be best and most
education, the nature of the child concerned etc.,. Thehelpful for him”, will have the goal of preparing the
problems, mostly psychological, would vanish withchild for life as a productive adult. They would spend
proper  parenting.  In the early days, people mostlyquality time with the child, imparting ethical values to the
lived in joint families.  The experience and advice thechild.  The gifts given by such parents would be,
young parents received from the elders, parents, aunts,“religious books, enjoyable pastimes, academics,
grand parents, uncles, guided them in the process ofhome skills and chances for socialization” 9.
parenting.  The children also had many people to            If a child is to be successful in life,
support them, to allow them to vent their feelings andthe appropriate parental care is necessary.    But,
 to learn the probable ways of findings solutions toof course, there are children who grow up into
their problems.successful adults, in spite of defective parenting.  
True StoryBut such cases are very rare.   The society at
            While talking to a group ofpresent is facing problems of parenting especially in
adolescent girls shocking messages came to light.  the case of single parent, divorced parents, simple and
Many of the adolescent girls were having illicitextended families. Most of the children brought up by
relationship with auto drivers with whom they weresingle parent and unmarried mothers, find it difficult to
coming to school.   Deeper analysis brought out thecope with the pressures in the family and society.
fact that these girls were longing for love from theirParenting Skills:
parents.    When an iota of love or something akin            With, hectic work schedule of the
to it is shown by the auto driver, they easily fall a preyparents, the heavy load of learning coupled with
to the former’s devious designs; of course they many distractions and the problems faced by the
suffer later when they find it difficult to extricatesociety, the children are looking for the support of their
themselves from the driver’s clutches.    Onlyparents for a secure life.    It is ordinarily observed
the parents can help these children.    One of thethat parenting without proper foundation has always
great, noble traits of parenthood is love  and thatand indefinitely led to confusions in  child
alone can cure many ills faced by the children anddevelopment.    What is essential is
youth. It can help the girls to retrieve themselves1.Ø  Developing and clarifying clear communicative
            In yet another instance, a 5 yearsexpectations.
old orphan boy in a care centre for the AIDS infectedØ  Staying calm in the midst of turmoil
persons   stunned the onlookers by saying that if hisØ  Encouraging positive consequences and
father had had proper parenting, he would not haveconsistency.
gone astray and ended with AIDS, infecting his motherØ  Being the role model to your child.
too2. Even this small lad knows the importance ofØ  Effective praising.10
parenthood.   Everyone knows about parenting and           
follow the kind of parenting demonstrated by theirTo be a successful parent discipline is necessary.  At
parents or that which they have learnt throughthe same time, there should be consistency in
courses or training or advice given by psychologists orwhatever the parents are saying and doing, parents
gurus.should have a preplanned, pre-developed strategy to
Styles of Parenting:teach proper behaviour to the child. That is, both the
            Just as there are different typesparents,or the single parent should make their
of human beings, there are different types of styles ofexpectations clear to the child. , Both of them can sail
parents.    The parents’ style influences the levelsmoothly while bringing up their child.    They should
and kind of development of the child.    Whateverbe very specific and firm in teaching their children.
may be the style of parenting the essentials to beMoreover, the parents must take into consideration the
looked into are, “Express your love, make your childchild’s age, ability, developmental status and the
feel secure. Build their self-esteem. Stay flexible andresources that are available for the family.11   Once
recognize the time for change as your child grows.the expectations are clearly stated, it is necessary that
Communicate openly and honestly and be confidentboth the parents should communicate it to the child,
 in your own ability”3. When you talk to your child,without contradictions.    In addition to these, there
you should be actually listening not just hearing.should be frequent family ‘get togethers’. 
            There are different types ofInstead of punishing the child for not abiding by the
parenting, such as “Authoritative, Authoritarian,expectations, it will be better to have discussions to
Permissive4”.   Parents who are very clear aboutclear the child’s doubts and parents being role
their role and give instructions with confidence can bemodels.
considered as Authoritative.   The Reader’s            Ray Burke states that
Digest Great Dictionary of the English language shows“Children can be sarcastic, defiant, rebellious and
that authoritative means commanding and selfpossibly violent, parents have to prepare themselves
confident, while authoritarian implies, favoring orfor times like these and learn to keep cool” 12.  
enforcing strict obedience to authority5.  It is similar toYet another way to increase or encourage desirable
dictatorship.behavior is to use positive consequences.    What
            Another variety of parenting isthe parents should remember is to use the positive
known as permissive.  These parents allow theirconsequences that would work with the child.  
children to follow their own path, mostlyWhile developing a child’s behavior the parents
non-interfering.   It is similar to saying, “let theshould remember “consistency”.   
sleeping dogs lie” as they are.   These parentsConsistency is the key to being a successful
do not want to follow any strict rules or take up muchparent.    This gives the message to the child that
responsibility in bringing up their children.   There is“your parents are reliable and serious”.
another mode of classifying the parents.   According            The most important aspect of
to this classification, there are three types of parents,successful parents is that the parents should be role
such as Consultant, Helicopter, Dull Sergeants6.model for their child 13. The parent should be a positive
Three Types of Parentsrole model for their child to follow.    As Ray Burke
           say, “Praise is powerful…. Praise is
CONSULTANTnourishment.   It helps in the emotional development. 
 It helps in building up self-esteem, belief of personal
HELICOPTERsatisfaction, feeling of security.”14    The praise
 should be communicated to the child either verbally or
DRILL SERGEANTthrough action.
 Parenting Skills :
This Love and Logic parent provides guidance andØ  Discipline
consultant services for childrenØ  Education
 Ø  Finance
This parent hovers over children and rescues themWith the social changes,  the extended family that
from the hostile world in which they live.existed earlier, which played the vital role of a model, a
 shock absorber, a vent for relieving one’s feelings
This parent commands and directs the lives of children.has become a thing of the past.   Hence, the
1.parents of the modern era have to learn creative
The Love and Logic parent provides messages ofways of bringing up their children.   It is found that the
personal worth and strengthmost important but controversial parenting skills is
1.provides messages of weakness and low personalDISCIPLINE.   Whether the method is, redirection,
worthtime-outs, loss of privileges, grounding, extra chores, or
1.provides messages of low personal worth andsparking, the parents should embrace their role to train
resistancetheir children to become moral and respectable
2.adults15. The second skill to be acquired by the
The Love and Logic parent very seldom mentionsparents is regarding education.  The parents should
responsibilitiesalso be educating their children in moral values.   The
2.makes excuses for the child, but complains aboutchild’s education should take into consideration
mishandled responsibilitiescertain important facts16:v  Family’s financial
2.makes lots of demands and has lots of expectationsstatus.v  Quality of local public and private schools.v 
about responsibility.Level of parental education.v  Personalities of parents
3.and children.v  Home schooling support and
The Love and Logic parent demonstrates how to takeresources.v  The involvement of the parents in the
care of self and be responsiblechild’s education.
3.Besides education, one of the important parenting skills
“takes on” the responsibility of the childis the effective way of dealing with financial
3.tells the child how he /she should handle responsibilityissues.    The demand for expenditure for rearing
4.the child, medical, hygienic needs etc. are soaring high
The Love and Logic parent shares personal feelingstoday.     Hence, a successful parent should know
about own performance and responsibilitieswhat is essential and what is not before deciding upon
4.protects the child from any possible negative feelingsthe expenditure of the limited resources.
4.tells the child how he / she should feelConclusion
5.            There is no doubt that children
The Love and Logic parent provides and helps childbring us much joy and much responsibility.   Most of
explore alternatives and then allows child to make his /the stress and worry of bringing them up can be
her own decisionreduced or removed with proper, careful planning.   
5.makes decisions for the childThe parents should plan when to have a child.   The
5.provides absolutes : “This is the decision youworking mother, if she is to stay at home, once the
should make”.child is born, should plan earlier to save as much as
6.possible and cut down the family expenditure.   Both
The Love and Logic parent provides “timethe parents have to plan to set aside enough time to
frames” in which child may complete responsibilitiesbe with the child, not only when it is a baby, but till the
6.provides no structure, but complaints, “After allchild becomes an adult.
I’ve done for you…”             The parents, need not be only
6.demands that jobs or responsibilities be done nowthe problematic, should avail of training in parenting skill
7.as much as possible. First of all, both parents should
The Love and Logic parent models doing a good job,have a congenial and frank communication between
finishing, cleaning up, feeling good about it.them.   Only then, once the child comes into the
7.whines and uses guilt : “When are you ever goingfamily, they will be able to communicate with the child
to learn.   I always have to clean up after you.”easily.   Further the “ego”, the concept of
7.issues orders and threats: “You get that room“I” should be relegated to the background.    It
cleaned up or else…”is possible that the child becomes sick at times mildly,
8.at times seriously.    Both the parents should take
The Love and Logic parent often asks self, “Whoresponsibility of looking after the child, not blaming each
owns the problem?” helps the child exploreother as the cause of sickness.    The child rearing,
solutions to his / her problemthough filled with difficulties, hurdles and events that
8.whines and complains about having an irresponsibletest one’s tolerance, is undoubtedly a pleasure.  It
child who causes “me” much work andis a joy.   A successful parent should know how to
responsibilitysmile.    That will reduce the stress and pain of the
8.takes over ownership of the problem using threatschild.    As it grows into adolescent stage, the skills
and orders to solve the problemof the parents should be developed further.    They
9.should know more about the physique, the psychology
The Love and Logic parent uses lots of actions, butand mental development of the child.
very few words            It should be remembered that the
9.uses lots of words and actions that rescue orrequisites of  an effective parent are dedication,
indicate that the child is not capable or responsibleattention, love and constant denial of easily
9.uses lots of harsh words, very few actionsadministering swift punishment. Though parenting is
10.time consuming, the fruits are very attractive.    The
The Love and Logic parent allows child to experiencefuture generation and its success depends on the
life’s natural consequences and allows them toeffective, successful and cheerful parents of today to
serve as the teachera great extent.
10.protects child from natural consequences, uses guiltEND NOTES
as the teacher1.       Author’s personal experience
10.uses punishment; pain and humiliation can serve as2.       Ibid.
the teacher.3.       10.14.2008
Source:The Great Dictionary of English Language (Readers
One way to identify the kind of parents is by analyzingDigest Association Limited, London, 2003) p.56, 57
the kind of gifts they give to their children in order toThree Types of Parents: Love and Logic institute –
make them do any specific activity.  Some parents1981. p.1
have a survival mentality; they give their childIbid. p.2.