| Our children are our future. Stop and think about | | | | crowd against the importance of making their own |
| children over the last several decades and how their | | | | decisions. |
| roles have changed and evolved over the years. How | | | | Conflict Management & Resolution Styles of |
| did a child in the 60s or 70s differ from a child in the | | | | Teenagers |
| 80s or 90s? Here we are today, almost 10 years into | | | | There are three basic approaches by which |
| the new millennium, an era of incredible technology | | | | teenagers handle conflict: the passive approach, the |
| advances, strong competition for achievement and | | | | aggressive approach and the assertive approach. The |
| material gain, changes in gender roles and most | | | | approach the child takes can have a huge impact on |
| importantly, changes in family dynamics. Life is | | | | the outcome of the disagreement. The Passive |
| continuously changing and this is expected. We are an | | | | Approach. The passive approach is associated with |
| ever growing, ever changing society. But with such | | | | lack of communication, low self worth and fear of |
| dramatic shifts in social norms and behaviors over the | | | | confrontation. Passive children are likely to be pushed |
| last 30 years or so, can we still expect to raise and | | | | around with little to no repercussion. Additionally, these |
| teach our children as we were taught when we were | | | | children may have a hard time forming friendships and |
| young, which was predominately in authoritarian | | | | often find friendships are unfulfilling due to the fact that |
| households? We will look at three individual scenarios | | | | these children are easily taken advantage of. |
| which have been taken from a recent family dynamics | | | | The Aggressive Approach. This approach uses |
| study. All three cases are families in the new millennium | | | | intimidation and confrontation as its primary source |
| brought up in the United States. | | | | resolving conflict. These children will do whatever |
| Three Family Dynamic Case Studies | | | | necessary to reach their desired outcome, not matter |
| Sheila is an 18 year old teenage girl beginning her | | | | the consequences. They look at conflict as a win/lose |
| freshman year of college. She has two younger | | | | situation and take criticisms personally, instead of |
| siblings and lives in a middle class home with both her | | | | looking at it as a way to learn and grow. Aggressive |
| parents. Sheila's father is an insurance adjuster and her | | | | children are often labeled as bullies and are either |
| mother works as a secretary. Growing up, Sheila was | | | | avoided or make friends with other similarly behaved |
| predominately a straight A student, with a limited social | | | | children. |
| group of friends. From the family perspective she | | | | The Assertive Approach. A democratic style of |
| would appear to be a child product from the typical | | | | conflict resolution, children take an approach which |
| middle class family. Sheila is also a drug addict. | | | | combines respect with cooperation and compromise. |
| Mark is a 20 year old young man and a sophomore in | | | | These children have learned how to effectively |
| college. He has a younger brother and is a product of | | | | communicate to convey their opinions while taking into |
| a broken home. His mother divorced his father when | | | | consideration the needs of others. The assertive |
| he was three years old. She was the primary sole | | | | approach is the most successful approach as it can |
| provider for her family and attended school in the | | | | typically result in a win-win solution for all parties |
| evenings. Mark was an average student during high | | | | involved. It minimizes the negative feelings of anger |
| school, was active in sports and had a wide variety of | | | | and resentment as with the passive and aggressive |
| friends. He is active in local Christian youth programs | | | | approaches and replaces it with positive feelings of |
| and is majoring in elementary education. | | | | self-fulfillment. (Carney, 2008). |
| Maria, 16, and Luis, 17, are brother and sister and live in | | | | Teaching Life Skills |
| the Bronx. Their mother is on welfare and their father | | | | Teaching our children important life skills is essential in |
| left them when they were toddlers. They attend the | | | | assisting them with handling conflicts as children and |
| local high school which is patrolled by security and | | | | carrying these skills into their adult years. Up until the |
| covered in iron bars. Drugs and violence are rampant. | | | | past decade or so, most of our focus has been on |
| Maria is a good student and finds protection in solitude, | | | | conflict resolution for adults. However, with the |
| while Luis has been arrested on numerous occasions | | | | increase of disruptive behaviors by adolescents, |
| for drugs and theft and will barely graduate high school. | | | | increased divorce rate and the communication |
| These are just a sampling of the differences in | | | | breakdown between parent and child, practitioners are |
| children, their family dynamics and how they deal with | | | | now looking at assisting children in finding a more |
| conflict. Of course, every child has their own story, | | | | productive way to handle conflict. In a recent study, 6th |
| their own accounts of their failures and their | | | | and 7th grade children were examined as to how |
| successes. Every child is a product of our family | | | | each gender handled conflict. Girls were found to |
| values and our society. We are now almost ten years | | | | typically rely on verbal assertion where boys showed |
| into the millennium and as we review the past several | | | | more aggressive tendencies. Self-efficacy and |
| decades we see how society has changed and how | | | | self-control were found to be significant predictors of |
| it has affected the family unit. One aspect of life that | | | | conflict resolution styles. Additionally, it is found that by |
| has never changed is conflict. Conflict is and always | | | | promoting social competencies in our youth, |
| will be a part of life. However, how we handle conflict | | | | psychosocial problems such as delinquency and drug |
| has changed and conflict awareness and education is | | | | abuse is reduced and academic achievement |
| at the forefront of this modern age. | | | | increased. (Vera, et. al. 2004) |
| Conflict Defined | | | | In recent years, schools, churches and youth programs |
| In her article, Conflict...A New Perspective, Julie | | | | are implementing conflict resolution programs such as |
| Fauimano, MBA, BSN, RN, Success Coach, defined | | | | conflict coaching, conflict management workshops, |
| conflict as "two or more people seeing things from | | | | peace building workshops and mediation programs. |
| different perspectives, given their education, | | | | Evidence is showing that by providing our youth with |
| background, upbringing, knowledge of the issue, beliefs, | | | | the appropriate skills early on, we will be teaching them |
| time of day, mood, etc...". Simply put conflict is diversity | | | | habits they can take with them for a lifetime. Teaching |
| of thought. From this brief definition we see that | | | | the appropriate social and conflict management |
| conflict is more than just a disagreement, but rather a | | | | behaviors has become just as essential as teaching |
| combination of sources ranging from our education to | | | | our children skills in math, science, social studies and |
| our mood. Most hear the term conflict and | | | | english. We can no longer wait until we are adults to |
| automatically associate it as a negative behavior. Many | | | | begin to figure out how to manage conflict. Children will |
| times when someone disagrees with our position we | | | | deal with conflict from their infancy, so why not begin |
| take it as a personal attack and we jump to the | | | | developing the appropriate skills early on. |
| defense. However, conflict can be positive if we allow | | | | In sports and athletic events, we have coaches and |
| ourselves to be open to new ideas and different | | | | these coaches support, implement athletic skills for the |
| perspectives to an issue. | | | | game, promote team play, character and team unity. In |
| History has shown that we often don't think about | | | | life, we need coaches on a daily basis to keep us on |
| conflict until we need third party assistance to help us | | | | track, accountable, to promote teamwork, family unity, |
| sort out our issues. Counseling, mediation and litigation | | | | and teach life skills. Life coaches are just as valuable |
| are all methods of conflict resolution. However, in the | | | | for guiding our youth, as coaches are in guiding our |
| past decade, more attention is being put on the | | | | team sports. Counselors or counseling is implemented |
| psychology aspect conflict by studying family | | | | to fix something that is wrong, but we need to be |
| dynamics, parenting styles, social interactions and | | | | looking at behavior from the prospective of facilitating |
| conflict resolution education. In the past, we have | | | | and implementing the appropriate skills in our youth for |
| always associated disputes with litigation, or in the | | | | managing their daily conflicts and social issues. |
| judicial sense. Now, we are looking at conflict and | | | | A valuable tool we have is the internet. The birth of the |
| conflict management proactively by attempting to | | | | internet has opened a door to endless resources at a |
| understand what drives individuals personally, and how | | | | touch of a finger tip. Teenagers are one of the most |
| we can educate society, beginning with our children in | | | | proficient at using the internet, with 55% of all online |
| addressing issues in a positive, productive manner. | | | | teens belonging to some sort of social networking site |
| Parental Influence and Behavior | | | | (Lynch 2007). A good outlet for any teen who is facing |
| As we think about our three cases at the introduction | | | | an issue and wants to communicate their feelings |
| of this paper. All of these children are teenagers | | | | confidentially is by creating an online avenue for |
| struggling to survive and find their way in today's world. | | | | teenagers to post their concerns and receive |
| Each child is from a different ethnic and religious | | | | feedback, without revealing their identities. A good |
| background, each representative of a unique family | | | | example may be a child being pushed around by a |
| unit. Add to this the varying parenting styles, social | | | | bully. Children do not like to appear "weak" or "afraid" |
| influences, their predetermined personality traits, | | | | so they do not report or communicate when another |
| personal goals and life experiences and you can | | | | is harassing them. By having an outlet to discuss and |
| understand how each individual approaches conflict in | | | | seek help anonymously keeps the child feeling |
| a different way. | | | | empowered, and reduces any possibility of retaliation |
| With all the various influences on our children today, | | | | by the bully. |
| parents are the #1 influence. We are our children's role | | | | Our youth need outlets for conflict resolution and |
| models. Parenting styles and their effects on children | | | | education and coaching for conflict management. We |
| have been studied over the years and have been | | | | are seeing a growth and slow acknowledgment of this |
| broken down into three categories: Authoritarian, | | | | in society, but we most become more proactive and |
| Permissive and Authoritative. Understanding the three | | | | start focusing on providing and offering programs to |
| styles of parenting in relation to conflict resolution is the | | | | our youth now. We are seeing more and more |
| first step in understanding how children think, behave | | | | problems in our society and we have to stop looking |
| and react within their environment. | | | | at just a fix to the problem, but rather we have to look |
| The Authoritarian Parent. Authoritarian parents expect | | | | at proactive ways to educate and communicate with |
| their children to obey their rules exactly and often use | | | | our youth. It is like our health. We can go to the doctor |
| reward and punishment to keep their children in line. | | | | and get a prescription to control high blood pressure, or |
| With authoritarian style parenting, some children strive | | | | we can implement a healthy diet and exercise in an |
| to please their parents to avoid punishment and do not | | | | effort to keep our blood pressure within normal limits |
| feel comfortable communicating with the parent their | | | | and remain healthy. |
| feelings for fear of disappointing their parent or | | | | Conclusion |
| punishment. Some children may resent their parents or | | | | Addressing conflict with our children has become a |
| even rebel against their strict rules. | | | | major concern due to our societal changes over the |
| The Permissive Parent. This is a permissive form of | | | | past couple decades. As we have seen there are a |
| parenting which provides little or no structure to the | | | | variety of factors that contribute to how our children |
| children. The no limits and guidelines are often few or | | | | handle conflict, parental influence and social influences |
| fuzzy. Without limits, children are likely to have a difficult | | | | being strong factor in a child's perception of conflict |
| time getting along with peers and learning how to | | | | and how to form a resolution. In conclusion, let's briefly |
| behave in society. Permissive parenting is a very free | | | | look at our three cases and see if we can determine |
| and open form of parenting, one that is typical of a | | | | the factors that contribute to how these children deal |
| single parent home or a home where both parents | | | | with conflict. |
| work and do not make family time a priority. | | | | First, there was Sheila who was the straight A student, |
| The Authoritative Parent. Authoritative is a democratic | | | | product of what was once considered a "nuclear" |
| style of parenting which balances rights with | | | | family unit. In Sheila's situation we can gather that her |
| responsibilities. This form of parenting allows limits to be | | | | parent's had an authoritarian style of parenting, strict |
| set for children while providing them with choices within | | | | rules with no input from their children. Sheila had a small |
| those limits. By giving choices to your children you are | | | | social network and probably had a hard time making |
| expressing to them that their opinions are important | | | | friends, so she many times settled for those who |
| and their choices may carry an undesired outcome | | | | would accept her for who she was regardless what |
| and consequence. Authoritative parenting better | | | | the peer group's beliefs were. As a result, Sheila was |
| prepares the child for independence in society. It | | | | not strong enough to weigh the difference between |
| provides teaches them compromise and instills the | | | | doing her own thing and doing the wrong thing, i.e. |
| understanding that we learn by our choices and | | | | drugs, and she found herself lost and unable to |
| consequences of those choices. | | | | appropriately function in society. Sheila's conflict |
| Family Dynamics | | | | resolution style would probably be the passive |
| Back in the 50's and 60's the family unit typically | | | | approach as her self-confidence and self esteem |
| consisted of the Father/Provider and Mother | | | | levels are probably low and because of the attitudes |
| Caregiver. The father was the decision maker and | | | | at home, she may try to avoid confrontation. If Sheila |
| provided financially for the family while the mother took | | | | had an outlet, she may have found support and |
| care of the home and the children. This is also referred | | | | directives that could have lead her to understand why |
| as the "nuclear family". Through the years the changes | | | | she struggled to fit in and how she could practice |
| in our society with gender roles changing, women | | | | confidence building techniques that would help her to |
| desiring careers outside the home, pushing for equality | | | | walk on her own, instead with individuals who would |
| with men, desiring their own financial independence, the | | | | lead her in the wrong direction. |
| family unit has changed drastically. Children of divorce | | | | Next we had Mark, the 20 year old college |
| are more prevalent than ever before with the divorce | | | | sophomore. He was the product of divorced parents |
| rate being at 50% as compared to 22% back in 1960. | | | | and his mother worked and attended school. It would |
| (DivorceRate.com, 2008). Now we have a more | | | | appear her time with her children was limited. Although, |
| diverse family unit made up of single parent homes, | | | | Mark's high school grades were not always up to par, |
| children being raised by grandparents and blended | | | | he did manage to have a strong social network and |
| families resulting from remarriage. Vast changes in the | | | | was active in school sport activities. From this situation |
| family core have opened the door to many other life | | | | we may observe that Mark's mother chose the |
| challenges within the family unit, especially pertaining to | | | | authoritarian style of parenting. She allowed input from |
| the children. | | | | her children and gave them choices. For example, |
| Divorce not only affects the parent but the child as | | | | Mark's grades, if he chose not to take his studies |
| well. Studies have shown that children demonstrate | | | | seriously he had to deal with the consequences such |
| their anxiety over the divorce of their parents in | | | | as not getting to play in the basketball game. His type |
| varying ways many times dependent upon the age at | | | | of conflict resolution style would appear to be that of |
| which the divorce occurs. The pain children experience | | | | the assertive approach. He appeared confident |
| from divorce can consist of vulnerability, insecurity, | | | | enough to know that his needs were just as important |
| grief, loss, anger and powerlessness. Additionally, the | | | | as the next person's and looked for a win-win solution |
| relationship between the parent and child changes as | | | | for everyone. Even though his mother was a single |
| the custodial parent may experience disorganization, | | | | parent, she was able to instill the skills necessary for |
| anger, decreased expectations of their children for | | | | him to cope socially and carry those habits onward |
| appropriate social behavior or aka, diminished parenting. | | | | into college and beyond. While Mark's mother, being |
| Furthermore, studies have shown that a child's | | | | single mother, was notably busy with work and school, |
| post-divorce quality of life can have a major impact on | | | | she was still able to teach Mark some important life |
| their long term adjustment outcomes. Most frequent | | | | skills. Mark however, could still have benefitted from a |
| concerns of children are that of repeating the cycle of | | | | form of life coaching that may have better directed |
| a broken marriage. | | | | him with his education and life goals. |
| For many parents, life continues after divorce and they | | | | Finally, we have Maria and Luis. It would appear that |
| move onto new relationships which leads them to | | | | Maria has taken over the role of her mother and Luis |
| re-marriage and blended families. Today's typical family | | | | has decided to rebel. From this situation, it would |
| unit consists of step-parents, step children and | | | | appear that Maria and Luis' mother uses the |
| step-siblings. Our children are thrown into "instant" | | | | permissive parenting style with her children. She is |
| families which have already begun to establish their | | | | divorced and living on limited means and probably was |
| own set of beliefs, standards, ethnic backgrounds, | | | | never taught the social skills while growing up to help |
| religious beliefs and parenting styles. New personalities, | | | | her own children. As a result, Maria keeps to herself |
| customs, and memories are all added to the blended | | | | and does not associate with others at school as a |
| family household. However, a child is still the child; and | | | | means of protecting herself from what she perceives |
| the adult is still the adult and we must still remember | | | | as a socially diverse and unsafe atmosphere. She |
| that even through the tumultuous changes in the family | | | | probably feels very insecure and unsure of herself and |
| dynamics, we must remember that children still need a | | | | her role amongst her peers. Maria's conflict resolution |
| balance of love, attention and discipline. | | | | style would be similar to that of Sheila's, passive. Luis |
| Social Influences | | | | on the other hand, being male and more prone to |
| As children grow and attend school, they are highly | | | | aggression has taken the aggressive route. He is |
| influenced by their peers. They will become leaders or | | | | angry with his social and economic situation. He does |
| followers. They will find a specific peer group with | | | | not have the guidance from home and he is rebelling. |
| which they can identify and form friendships. Peer | | | | He has not been taught the social skills and therefore |
| groups offer children the opportunity to develop | | | | cannot handle conflict in a productive manner. His style |
| various social skills, such as leadership, sharing or | | | | of conflict resolution is easily diagnosed as aggressive. |
| teamwork, and empathy. Peer groups also offer the | | | | This entire family would benefit from conflict resolution |
| opportunity to experiment with new roles and | | | | skills training or coaching - the mother to develop her |
| interactions which is typically the reason that | | | | skills in raising and communicating with her children and |
| adolescents drift from one group to another as they | | | | the children with developing the positive social skills and |
| are in search to "find themselves," or work toward the | | | | conflict resolution skills necessary to carry them |
| formation of their identity. | | | | throughout the remainder of their lives. |
| Children need acceptance and they are also highly | | | | As we can see conflict is a part of life. Whether |
| influenced by their peers. Peer groups can have either | | | | young or old, there will be issues that need addressing |
| a negative or a positive influence over a child. When a | | | | in our marriages, families, businesses, churches, schools |
| child is lacks self confidence or self-worth, they will turn | | | | and communities. Understanding the psychology of |
| to whatever groups that are most accepting, | | | | conflict will assist us in being able to better assist our |
| regardless of the groups social and ethical behaviors. | | | | children in developing the skills necessary to |
| However, peer groups can also provide a very | | | | successfully manage conflict in their lives. Think about |
| positive outlet for a child that can promote positive | | | | how much the world has changed over the past 30 |
| behaviors and promote academic excellence along | | | | years or so. Now try to imagine how much more it will |
| with healthy emotional support. | | | | change in the next 30 or more years. Investing in |
| A teen that has been taught appropriate conflict | | | | conflict resolution coaching and training now with our |
| management skills will have an easier time when it | | | | children will help them to develop the skills that will lead |
| comes to peer pressure and social acceptance by | | | | to a more productive, confident individual in the future. |
| learning to balance the value of going along with the | | | | |