| Any decision starts with a set of choices. The ability to | | | | feel unsettled. You are the adult, so how is it that you |
| choose is a cherished value within our society but | | | | do not know what you want to do? |
| having said that, I honestly believe that many of the | | | | When children feel unsettled and anxious, they don't |
| parenting problems that moms and dads get in to is | | | | react well. They vacillate, changing their mind over and |
| because they offer choice either too early in a child's | | | | over again because they are unsure. Which would be |
| life or at inappropriate times. I see it happening with | | | | better? What was better last time? If you have a |
| parents all the time, so just how much choice should | | | | toddler you will have seen this behavior. They do want |
| you offer your kids? | | | | to go, then they don't. You, as the parent are likely to |
| You can only make an informed choice when you | | | | feel exasperated with them for not being able to |
| have a good idea of the consequence of each course | | | | make a decision. That irritation then gets transmitted to |
| of action. Young children do not have that ability and it | | | | the child and then you're off on your way to a |
| must be learned through life's experience. Offer that | | | | full-blown tantrum. Add to that, any other underlying |
| learning at the correct time and the process is fairly | | | | problems such as your child being hungry or tired and |
| painless. Offer it at the wrong time and it can make | | | | your own little Vesuvius is likely to erupt in short order. |
| both your and their lives miserable. Let me give you an | | | | The solution? With a toddler offer limited choice like the |
| example. An appropriate choice for a toddler is to | | | | food choice first described above. If you must ask |
| provide two small pieces of fruit on their high chair | | | | them if they want the green or the blue hat on to go |
| table and then to ask which one they want to eat first. | | | | for a walk, take both and be prepared to spend the |
| They can change their mind fifty times if they wish | | | | entire walk changing head gear. Don't ask a toddler |
| and by choosing one piece of fruit, they do not | | | | whether they want a story. Instead say, "let's go |
| automatically lose the other. This gives them the | | | | outside and read a story on the grass," as though you |
| chance to practice the idea of choice, without yet | | | | confidently expect them to be delighted by the |
| having to worry about the intrinsic loss that often | | | | prospect. If you sound confident about how enjoyable |
| comes from taking a certain course. | | | | the story will be, your toddler will likely be thrilled to |
| As a parenting expert in Calgary, I watch carefully | | | | participate. |
| while moms and dads talk to their kids and I notice that | | | | As they grow, provide limited choices within |
| many of them make life far harder for themselves | | | | well-defined limits. What do I mean by that? Well, when |
| than necessary. They ask their little people questions | | | | you first introduce the concept of 'real choice', make it |
| like. "Do you want to go to the park?" For a small child | | | | clear up front that of the choices on offer, they can |
| this is a far more confusing question than for an adult. | | | | only have one and that they will have to live with that |
| You have chosen to go to the park perhaps because | | | | choice. Give them plenty of practice and choose |
| it's a warm afternoon and for other logistical reasons | | | | choices that don't matter much to start with such with, |
| you can't go anywhere else. Your child on the other | | | | such as would you like the blue cup or red cup? |
| hand, does not know that. They were playing with their | | | | Emphasize that if they choose the red cup and later |
| bouncy house and you asked whether they'd like to go | | | | on want the blue, it will not be available until the next |
| to the park. They don't know which would be more | | | | meal or snack. Make it clear and be prepared to stick |
| fun. If they had experienced the different options | | | | with it. The more they practice their decision making, |
| recently, they certainly don't remember which was | | | | the better they'll get. |
| better. They are confused. | | | | Slowly introduce choices of greater significance but |
| On top of not knowing what to do, it seems from your | | | | always keep in mind that they are the child and should |
| child's perspective as though you're asking for their | | | | only be given choices within their level of |
| permission. You are their parent and without | | | | understanding. Never give a child an adult decision to |
| understanding why, this lack of decision making on | | | | make. There will be plenty of time for that in their |
| your part seems strange to them. You are in control | | | | future when they have a far better understanding of |
| but you seem not to know what you want to do. Such | | | | how the world works and the ability to deal with any |
| obvious lack of certainty on your part makes your child | | | | consequence. |