| > | | | | wasn’t really true. |
| Knowing how divorce effects children is important for | | | | 4. And I’ll bet that you also might have felt |
| parents to understand. This parenting article, that offers | | | | confused about the future. You have always lived with |
| divorce support to parents in the form of a guided, self | | | | us in the same house and community. And you |
| help, parent child conversation, will help children cope | | | | probably can’t imagine what it would feel like if it |
| with the reality of their parent's divorce. | | | | were different. So it feels like your future is |
| Children coping with divorce have difficulty because | | | | unknown. Then erase the future line. Add, I |
| their perceptions of reality are forced to change. To | | | | understand that it might feel like everything has |
| understand their challenge, I have created a concept to | | | | changed. The past doesn’t feel the same |
| help children and parents visualize the dilemma they | | | | because you question what you thought. And the |
| face when confronted with these changes. It is called | | | | future doesn’t seem the same because we will |
| the Lifeline; that is, we live on a continuum which | | | | have two homes and mom and dad won’t be |
| begins at birth and ends at death. Wherever we are at | | | | married. |
| on the continuum, we tend to base our present beliefs | | | | 5. Finally you can help your child redefine and redraw |
| and our future expectations on our past experience. | | | | the past. Yes, it is true that much has changed with |
| Thus, we lead our daily lives needing the security of | | | | the divorce. And sometimes when we have something |
| our past perceptions. | | | | big in our lives change it feels like everything is |
| For children who are born into relatively healthy homes, | | | | different. Let’s take a moment, however, to look |
| life patterns are learned from their family and | | | | at what stays the same. Draw a staggered line - - |
| environment. They learn to anticipate | | | | - - - from birth to the present. If we look at the past, |
| tomorrow’s outcomes, based on today’s | | | | we can be sure that mommy and daddy loved you. |
| experience. The evidence from the past provides | | | | And we both loved each other for many years. We |
| them with a picture of what will come next and makes | | | | know that Grandma and Grandpa love you. Can we |
| them feel secure. When divorce occurs, they cannot | | | | be sure about that? A child might say, Yes. |
| incorporate the new information into their secure | | | | Then draw a little bit more of the lifeline. We can |
| picture of the future. They feel at first as if they are | | | | also agree that you have many good friends at school |
| floating aimlessly without an anchor. | | | | and that you like many activities. We could agree that |
| Although there are healthy ways to tell children about | | | | we’ve had good vacations too. We like our |
| divorce, children’s Lifelines are compromised as | | | | community and we live in a nice neighborhood where |
| they receive this new information. Children’s | | | | you have enjoyed playing and running around with |
| past perception — that their mother and father | | | | friends. Am I correct so far? Draw a bit more of |
| loved each other — is called into question. Their | | | | the staggered line. Okay, now you draw in more of |
| assumptions that they will continue to live in their home | | | | the past and tell me about it? As she tells facts |
| with their parents, is altered. They feel like they have | | | | about her life, she draws in more of the Lifeline. |
| nothing left to base their now on. Thus parents need to | | | | Although the line is never perfectly solid, she begins to |
| help them regain their base and rebuild their Lifeline. | | | | visualize that even though her parents are divorcing, |
| Following is a conversation you might have with | | | | not everything is lost and she feels a bit more steady. |
| children to help them cope: | | | | 6. Now you help her redraw the future. Say, If we |
| 1. Reconstruction of the Lifeline starts with a simple | | | | were to look at what does not change in the past, |
| drawing. Draw a straight line ________ with an | | | | then what do you think will carry over to the |
| arrowhead on the left side > representing birth and an | | | | future? She might say, I’ll still have my |
| X on the right side representing death. Explain, We | | | | sports. And you say, Yes, you will. So |
| don’t know how life will play out anymore than | | | | let’s draw some of that in. And she |
| we know the end of a story in a book or movie. But | | | | continues to list those things that will remain the same. |
| generally we have a beginning, you point to the | | | | Some children will remain in their home and at their |
| arrow, and an end, point to the X. | | | | school. They will have the same friends and activities. |
| 2. Then draw a dot on the line, Let’s say this | | | | These are anchors for children coping with divorce. As |
| is where you are on your Lifeline. You live everyday | | | | the child draws in more of the Lifeline from present to |
| with an understanding of your world based on what | | | | future, she gains stability. You might say, It’s |
| you know about how things work in our family, at | | | | true that we cannot control or predict the future and |
| school, with friends, and in your activities. | | | | this might make you feel uncomfortable. But we |
| 3. When we told you that we were divorcing, you | | | | always have things that remain the same in the face |
| might have felt scared. You might have asked | | | | of change and those things can make us feel safe |
| yourself, did mom and dad ever love each other? It | | | | and secure. |
| could have made you question your past and feel that | | | | Although some children need more in depth processing |
| what you believed to be true just wasn’t | | | | when faced with their parents’ divorce, many |
| true. Then erase the line to the left of the dot. It | | | | children respond well to the Lifeline framework. It gives |
| might have made you feel that your past | | | | parents and children a common language. |