| "Children swim in their parent's unconsciousness like | | | | was that they weren't good enough either. They |
| fish in the sea." This quote from psychotherapist | | | | wanted better for us I know, but their unconsciousness |
| Andrew Feldmar, is taken from Gabor Mate's brilliant | | | | guided and severely limited their choices. |
| book Scattered Minds, which deals with ADD both | | | | I have seen my mother have the same bewilderment |
| from a personal and professional point-of-view. It is a | | | | that I have had about why she gets such harsh |
| powerful reminder that whatever changes we want to | | | | treatment from her kids. I can't remember if we were |
| see with our kids, we need to start with ourselves and | | | | harsh to her as kids, but I know that as adults we |
| our own issues. | | | | have been her harshest critics. In recent years I have |
| I've been trying for years to get my daughter to be | | | | almost completely buried the hatchet but for 10 or 15 |
| more gentle with me. A portion of the time she is very | | | | years my anger at her actions burned like the Olympic |
| harsh with me, while being sweet with the rest of the | | | | torch, and I carried it with as much intensity and |
| world. I'm glad that most people see her sweetness | | | | determination as any Olympic athlete. Her |
| and that she relates well outside of our home. | | | | perfectionism has haunted her all of her life. |
| However, her harshness can take my breath away, | | | | I used to feel bewildered at times when I saw other |
| and it undermines our relationship; I often feel like I need | | | | family members being harsh with mom. The challenge |
| to keep my guard up and that I live with a girl version | | | | for her, like me, is that there is always a time-delay |
| of Jekyll and Hyde at times. | | | | between her harshness and what she receives back. |
| I've been very working on this problem for years. I | | | | Like me she is usually very kind, and that is especially |
| have been very frustrated that despite her overall | | | | true when the harshness is thrown at her. Sometimes |
| excellent behavior, this one nasty problem persists. Her | | | | the perfectionism that fed her constant criticism of my |
| behavior baffled me because of how sweet, | | | | father came back at her from her kids, so that also |
| thoughtful and expressive she usually is in her love for | | | | disguised what was happening. Therefore the |
| me. | | | | connection between the harshness of her kids |
| I've tried many techniques to change her behavior. As | | | | towards her and her initial criticism is possible to miss. |
| a parenting educator, I am familiar with many experts' | | | | I wish I could save my mom from continuing to swim in |
| work. I've tried consequences when she is harsh, | | | | that critical stew that her parents gave her. What I can |
| ignoring her harshness and many other ways to | | | | do is to change my own psyche so that my kids can |
| eradicate this behavior and still it has persisted. Every | | | | swim in clear water. At the same time, I empathize |
| once in awhile, I've had the insight that it is my | | | | with my mother about how hard it is to change. Most |
| perfectionism, which fuels me being critical of my | | | | people who know me don't even see the harshness |
| family, that is the source of the problem. Mate's book, | | | | because it is so subtle and such a small part of my |
| and that excellent quote was the most recent time | | | | parenting style. I have progressed from the way I was |
| when I had the gift of that insight.. | | | | raised, and yet like a weed, my perfectionism has |
| Like so many wonderful people out there, I grew up | | | | continued to infest our relationship and undermine my |
| with great parents who were sometimes very critical | | | | intentions as a parent. |
| of the four of us. They didn't mean to be, nor do I think | | | | One of the main reasons though that I am a parenting |
| they ever fully realized how critical they were, but the | | | | educator and coach is because it keeps me conscious |
| fact remains that the bottom-line message that we | | | | of my parenting issues, and helps me to heal. After |
| received was that we weren't good enough. Needless | | | | more than a decade teaching and parenting, I am |
| to say, that was not a great way to grow up. | | | | deeply grateful for that continuing gift of consciousness |
| As I write this, knowing that my mother could read this, | | | | because I am getting there! Since writing this article for |
| and loving her deeply as I do, I am compelled to add | | | | the first time a few months ago, I can see my |
| that they only passed on what they knew. We did | | | | daughter noticeably relaxing in her criticism of me, |
| indeed eat, sleep and breath their unconsciousness, | | | | which is the ultimate barometer of how I am doing as |
| and the message that they grew up with was clearly | | | | a parent. |