| Recently, someone asked me, "How does someone | | | | with regard to earning trust. To do this in those times |
| do only 'their half' in a relationship and leave the rest to | | | | would simply be an act of healthy love. |
| their partner?" They then went on to say, "I know it | | | | Problems arise though when you treat people in |
| sounds like a stupid question but sometimes, it's hard to | | | | everyday life events as if they are currently |
| know. Especially when I feel at times like I am trying to | | | | experiencing a major health crisis and thus, are entitled |
| coax a wounded animal out from under a porch." | | | | to special privileges. Major health crises are temporary |
| My answer? I know you already know this but I'll say it | | | | conditions. Childhood mental health problems are not, |
| to you anyway. There are no stupid questions. So | | | | major or otherwise. |
| please let that one go. Please. | | | | Thus, if you are compensating for someone's childhood |
| Now start with this. If you are attracted to folks who | | | | mental health problems in other than a temporary way, |
| resemble "abused animals hiding under a porch," then | | | | then you are enabling them, and you, to avoid having to |
| you may have some major rethinking to do as to who | | | | heal your birth - separation moment anxiety. |
| you are attracted to. Starting with asking yourself why | | | | Translation. You will, forever, feel trapped by the "fear |
| you feel you must be the one to regain their trust. | | | | of being left." Which is not the same thing as the "fear |
| What would this imply about you? That you have a | | | | of being alone." |
| major block in and around that people are supposed to | | | | Most folks, in fact, do not actually fear "being alone." |
| want to earn your trust as well. Not after you earn | | | | They mistakenly believe this though, in part, because |
| theirs. Simultaneously. With you. This, in fact, is one of | | | | the mental health community has been ratcheting |
| the most important parts of every relationship, | | | | these kinds of ideas into our brains for decades now. |
| romantic and otherwise. The simultaneous process of | | | | And yes, some few folks do fear being alone. But this |
| earning each other's trust. In fact, you and I are doing | | | | is much less common than being afraid of being left, as |
| this very thing right now. | | | | in, reliving one's birth separation-moment anxiety. |
| Of course, there are exceptions, such as when you | | | | As for your question about doing only your half, this |
| are parenting young children. Your own and other | | | | idea should be the baseline from which you vary on |
| peoples.' Also, during the course of every major | | | | occasion. In other words, doing more than your half |
| relationship, we each get faced with times wherein we | | | | should be the exception, not the rule. Anything other |
| must temporarily be the "go first" person in the trust | | | | than this and you are definitely regressing to an earlier |
| department. For instance, say your are with someone | | | | time. And to an earlier relationship. Usually with the |
| who gets diagnosed with a major illness. Say, cancer. | | | | parent with whom you have the most unfinished |
| For a time, you would have to be the "go first" person | | | | business. |