| When Hunter was a baby, Pat never imagined | | | | defiance. So they generally respond to this behavior |
| parenting him would mean being trapped in an | | | | with a range of responses that includes negotiating, |
| argument that would last 15 years. From the time he | | | | bargaining, giving in, threatening and screaming. The |
| was old enough to express his emotions, it seemed | | | | problem is when you scream, argue or negotiate, you |
| that he always wanted to fight with her. | | | | are giving your child's defiance even more power. |
| "He's a very strong-willed person," says Pat, her polite | | | | Everyone from the school psychologist to your |
| demeanor belying an obvious understatement. "He's | | | | mother-in-law will tell you what this child needs is |
| manipulative, and he learned at a very young age how | | | | "structure." But no one really shows you what kind of |
| to make that work for him to get what he wanted." | | | | structure and how to put it in place. It's not as easy as |
| The simplest things always seem to turn into huge | | | | giving the child a time out. A child with ODD won't |
| problems because Hunter simply refuses to do what | | | | change his thinking during the time out. He'll use it to plot |
| he is asked to do, whether it was brushing his teeth at | | | | revenge. Parents have to change their style of |
| age five, or raking the yard at age 15. The word "no" | | | | parenting and mode of operation with the child. |
| lights his fuse, especially when in response to | | | | Children with ODD need structure with an aggressive |
| something he wants to do. "He's always doing these | | | | training component that is built around learning how |
| irritating things," Pat explains, "as if he enjoys bothering | | | | solve the problems that trigger their defiant behaviors. |
| you." | | | | Your child becomes oppositional when he is |
| Getting out of bed in the morning is the issue around | | | | confronted with a problem and he can't figure out how |
| which Hunter and his parents argue the most. "We've | | | | to fix it. The problem can be anything from not wanting |
| had the worst time in the world getting him up in the | | | | to get up in the morning (as in Hunter's case) to not |
| morning and into the shower. I know this is unbelievable, | | | | wanting to do homework. Screaming at the child to get |
| but he gets in the shower, stretches out in the bottom | | | | out of bed won't work. You need to show the child |
| of the tub with the water beating on him, and goes | | | | that he has a problem that has to be solved and |
| back to sleep. From that moment on, we have to | | | | address it as such. Example: "Lying in bed after your |
| micromanage his morning to get him to the bus stop." | | | | alarm goes off won't solve your problem. It makes you |
| Recently, Hunter was diagnosed with Oppositional | | | | late and you miss the bus. What can you do to solve |
| Defiant Disorder, and Pat finally has a name for the | | | | your problem?" |
| behavior that's been exhausting her all these years. | | | | The focus of treatment should be on developing |
| Now, she needs a solution. How does a parent stop | | | | compliance and coping skills, not primarily on |
| the arguments with a child whose primary way of | | | | self-esteem or personality. ODD is not a self-esteem |
| communicating is arguing? | | | | issue; it's a problem solving issue. There's no evidence |
| James Lehman: A day with a child who has | | | | that self-esteem leads to compliance, and emotions |
| Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a series of battles in an | | | | are not, in and of themselves, a way to kids to cope |
| undeclared war. It starts when they wake up, | | | | with their problems. Kids get self-esteem by doing |
| continues at breakfast, intensifies when they have to | | | | things that are hard for them. |
| get dressed, and doesn't end until they fight with you | | | | Children with ODD need a lot of strong praise and |
| over bedtime. | | | | support as well as realistic rewards. They don't benefit |
| Kids with ODD lose their temper quickly and often. | | | | from a pat on the back for doing something that's |
| They're easily annoyed and frustrated by other people, | | | | easy for them to do. They should be praised for doing |
| resentful and hostile with adults, bossy and pushy with | | | | things that are challenging to them. Don't create false |
| other kids. They blame everyone else for their | | | | situations for which to praise them to make them "feel |
| difficulties and make excuses for their inability to cope. | | | | better." Parents need to learn several different |
| They gravitate toward negative peers and tend to be | | | | parenting styles that meet the needs of this child. You |
| sulking, angry adolescents. | | | | need to be less of a "cheerleader" and more of a |
| Unrestricted free time is a breeding ground for | | | | trainer and coach. |
| aggressive behavior for these children. In an | | | | Avoid senseless power struggles. Pick your battles |
| unstructured environment, they become annoying, | | | | with your child carefully and win the ones you pick. |
| threatening or destructive to kids around them and to | | | | Many times you can win fights with this child by not |
| adult authority figures. They will use this time to | | | | arguing back. When you argue with him, his resistance |
| deliberately antagonize anyone they see as "in | | | | strengthens. Instead of arguing, set limits in a |
| charge." | | | | businesslike way and expect compliance. |
| As a parent, you can't satisfy a child with ODD, since | | | | Have a plan for managing your child's behavior. When |
| their thinking is irrational. They beg for your attention | | | | you're going to the mall, know what you'll do when he |
| and then want to be left alone. The sad truth is, kids | | | | acts out in the car. It's important to lay out the rules |
| with ODD aren't very likeable. Parents often feel guilty | | | | ahead of time, when things are calm. For instance, |
| about the fact that they love their kids, but don't like | | | | before you go to the mall, tell the child, "When you lose |
| being around them. | | | | it in the car, it becomes dangerous for me and for |
| Parents get blamed for their child's oppositional | | | | everyone because it's distracting. So if you lose it in |
| behavior and tend to heap even more blame on | | | | the car, I'm going to pull over for five minutes, and I'm |
| themselves. The parent of a child with ODD often | | | | not going to talk to you. You'll have five minutes to get |
| feels incompetent and isolated. They live with the | | | | your act together. If, after five minutes, you have not |
| self-imposed shame that other people think they're bad | | | | regained control of yourself, then we're not going to |
| parents, and that humiliation grows larger as their world | | | | the mall. We're going to turn around and go home. |
| gets smaller. Left untreated, Oppositional Defiant | | | | Have a plan you'll use if he throws a tantrum in the |
| Disorder can lead to Conduct Disorder, a more serious | | | | store or if he acts out at a family gathering. And be |
| pathology that is a precursor for anti-social behavior | | | | willing to follow through on the plan until the child learns |
| and criminality. | | | | defiance doesn't get him what he wants. |
| Of course, for many parents, ODD is not the primary | | | | Parents dealing with ODD need a powerful mix of |
| issue. Rather, they are dealing with continuous, | | | | determination and strength. You can have a child with |
| low-level defiance that is not incendiary and | | | | ODD and a peaceful home. The key is to decide: Are |
| aggressive, but is aggravating, annoying and disruptive | | | | you going to change the world for your child or teach |
| to the family. Whether the defiance has turned into a | | | | him to cope with it? It's not practical or effective to try |
| diagnosis of ODD or has not, the parent's approach | | | | to change the world for your kid. But by setting limits |
| should be the same. | | | | consistently, concisely and clearly, you will teach your |
| How to Stop the War and Restore Peace at Home | | | | child to cope with the world and succeed in it. |
| Most parents lack the tools to deal with oppositional | | | | Copyright 2007. EmpoweringParents. |