| A frustrated mom wrote to my Advanced Parenting | | | | come up with. Clearly sweetums wants to be in |
| blog with this plea for help: "When my child is being | | | | control so refuses to sit down. Our frustrated mom |
| defiant and I tell them to sit down to rest until they are | | | | might try something like this, "Sweetie, I'd like to see |
| ready, they will just flat out refuse to do that. So what | | | | you burn off some energy, so please run around the |
| do I do then?" Defiance on top of defiance. | | | | house a few times." Or, "I want you to follow me |
| Oppositional behavior and Reactive Attachment | | | | around so that I can surprise you with hugs!" Or |
| Disorder (RAD), which it seems this child suffers from, | | | | anything else that might be appropriate in the |
| often go hand in hand. I want to look at one technique | | | | circumstances. |
| to attempt with oppositional children. It is simple and fun. | | | | If the oppositional child decides to be consistent and |
| It is PARADOX. Paradox has been very helpful with | | | | oppositional and sits down instead, they might feel like |
| our child, and so I give it a high recommendation. | | | | they maintained control. And our frustrated parent got |
| Dr. Don Williams, an eminent therapist in Palo Alto, | | | | what she really wanted all along, she is a little less |
| California, refers to paradox as "the duct tape of | | | | frustrated, and her stress levels decrease -- all to the |
| parenting skills." Paradox allows us to tell our | | | | good. |
| oppositional child to do what we do not actually want | | | | If the oppositional child decided to do as our parent |
| them to do. This gets our child's brain spinning. Here is | | | | directed, mom gets to praise kiddo's compliance: |
| what it might look like in that oppositional brain: "Let's | | | | "Good job of doing what I told you to do!" And then |
| see. If I do what Mom just told me to do, then she will | | | | mom gets to give hugs. |
| get her way and I'll get to do what I really want to do, | | | | The most important thing about paradox: It is how you |
| and if I don't do it, then I'll be in control and get my way | | | | say it just as much as what you say. You MUST be |
| but I'll actually be doing what Mom really wants." | | | | playful and fun when giving a paradoxical direction. |
| In other words, if your child does what you just told | | | | Sarcasm will not work. I repeat. Sarcasm will not work. |
| them to do (what they really want to do), then they will | | | | Caveat: no one technique works all the time. So be |
| be doing what you directed them to do. That of | | | | prepared for paradox not to work no matter how |
| course is compliance, the last thing the oppositional child | | | | ingenious the paradox is and no matter how playful |
| wants. When they do comply, you can praise them | | | | you are in giving the paradoxical direction. At that point, |
| with pizzazz: "Good job of doing what I said." | | | | you breathe to calm your mounting frustration and |
| Now, when your child refuses to comply and does the | | | | anger and stay in the front of your brain to figure out |
| opposite of what you tell them, then they are doing | | | | something else to do. |
| what you really want. Opposition is about control, so | | | | How about you? Have you used paradox with your |
| your child may feel in control while you get the | | | | oppositional tyro? What were the circumstances and |
| behavior you actually want. | | | | how did it work? Please send me an email and let me |
| Confused enough? Okay, let's look at our frustrated | | | | know. |
| mom's question and see what kind of answer we can | | | | |