| Discipline is a necessary part of parenting yet it makes | | | | want to do is engage in a battle with children over |
| most parents feel uncomfortable. Some of those old | | | | what are sometimes petty issues. Besides consistency |
| disciplinary phrases such as 'spare the rod and spoil | | | | can make a well-meaning parent who values |
| the child', 'teach them a lesson' or 'set children straight' | | | | relationships feel downright awful. |
| are enough to send shivers up the spine of any | | | | But giving in rather than being consistent and holding |
| reasonable-minded parent. | | | | ground is not a smart long-term strategy. Kids learn |
| Discipline for the majority of the twentieth century was | | | | quickly how far they can push a parent before they |
| adult-centred and relied heavily on punishment as a | | | | give in. If you give in occasionally they will learn that if |
| way of keeping children on the right track. Discipline | | | | they push you hard enough and long enough you will |
| was based on the principle of severity and terms such | | | | cave in. So consistency is about being strong and |
| as punishment, obedience and compliance were | | | | holding your ground. That is hard work because |
| commonly used. | | | | Australian research reveals that the average |
| Corporal punishment was used in schools and | | | | garden-variety child will push parental boundaries about |
| smacking and variations of that theme were the | | | | 30per cent of the time and more difficult kids push |
| general tools of trade used at home. Rewards and | | | | your boundaries twice that much. |
| positive reinforcement for good behaviour were usually | | | | But what can parents do when young children are less |
| kept for the behaving children rather than used as a | | | | than perfect? Smacking is one alternative but not one |
| mechanism to encourage better behaviour in more | | | | recommended by this writer. Most current studies |
| difficult children. | | | | indicate that parents generally don't view smacking as |
| The last few decades have seen some dramatic | | | | a suitable method of discipline for young children, |
| shifts in discipline that reflect very much the social | | | | however many reluctantly admit to reverting to this |
| changes that have occurred. In countries such as the | | | | method on occasions. Smacking is generally ineffective |
| United States, United Kingdom and Australia discipline | | | | in terms of reducing misbehaviour over the long-term. |
| has swung between a very child-centred approach | | | | In some cases, it exacerbates aggressive behaviour in |
| where it seems parents forgot that they were the | | | | young children as they learn that it is okay to use |
| adults in the parent-child relationship through to the use | | | | physical means to resolve problems when you have |
| of parent-focused techniques that place control firmly | | | | the power to do so. The notion of 'it is okay to smack |
| in the hands of parents. The use of praise and a | | | | if it is a little smack' holds no water. It is either a smack |
| reliance on reward systems to promote appropriate | | | | or not. There is no middle ground. |
| behaviour are the hallmarks of these child-centred | | | | So if smacking is out, what's in? Timeout is a good |
| approaches. | | | | alternative, but often misused. Timeout is effective if |
| Despite the variety of approaches available parents | | | | used to either break a young child's pattern of |
| commonly struggle to get discipline right. Recent | | | | behaviour or interrupt a deteriorating situation. A small |
| Australian research shows that 58 per cent of parents | | | | amount of time spent in his or her room has saved |
| struggle to find the appropriate approach to disciplining | | | | many a child's hide and his parents' sanity as they both |
| their children. Most want to use different discipline | | | | have time to calm down. Those parents who use |
| techniques than their parents yet exactly which | | | | time-out as a punishment or a deterrent usually end up |
| approach to use is a dilemma. As the same cohort | | | | frustrated when they enter their child's room only to |
| rated developing positive attachments and good | | | | find him happily playing with toys. Timeout is a poor |
| relationships with their children as their highest priority I | | | | punishment but effective in helping to restore calm and |
| suspect many parents are concerned with being | | | | giving children an opportunity to reflect. |
| friends to their children and tend to avoid those sticky | | | | Effective discipline with young children involves a |
| discipline issues. Evidence from other parts of the | | | | refusal by adults to become involved in the behaviour |
| world suggests that Australians are not the only | | | | games that they can play. Children don't act in a |
| parents who struggle to find an appropriate approach | | | | vacuum. They will keep those behaviours that work in |
| to discipline. | | | | terms of getting attention or some other pay-off and |
| While the type of discipline parents use should reflect | | | | drop those behaviours that are ignored. So when a |
| the times in which they live it is also useful to look to | | | | young child receives a long-winded reprimand from his |
| children and their needs. While society has changed | | | | mother as he purposely wriggles while she changes |
| significantly over the last few decades children and | | | | his nappy he is learning a great way to keep her busy. |
| their developmental needs haven't altered much. | | | | Similarly, a child who continuously stands up and sits |
| Children develop best in a stable environment where | | | | down while he is being bathed is working out how he |
| they are valued, loved and listened to. They prefer an | | | | can have some fun at his mother and father's |
| orderly environment rather than a chaotic one. And | | | | expense. |
| they need someone in that environment who will help | | | | In both cases, it would be effective if the parent |
| them learn to be safe and sociable. This is where | | | | involved simply made the child safe and didn't respond |
| discipline comes in. | | | | verbally to the situation. Children in those cases |
| Children in their first few years of life are hard work | | | | generally learn that their parents are not engaging in |
| for any parent. This age group experience massive | | | | the game they are making so they will try other ways |
| physical development that is not matched by the same | | | | to get some attention. However, it takes some children |
| rate of intellectual maturation. Children around the age | | | | a while to understand so parents need to persist with |
| of eighteen to thirty months are a little like international | | | | their approach. Kids can't learn if we are giving them |
| airports - massive amounts of activity but with | | | | different signals - sometimes ignoring, sometimes |
| relatively small control towers. They need parents who | | | | laughing and sometimes punishing for the same |
| adopt a patient yet varied approach to discipline so | | | | behaviour. |
| that they learn to become sociable, stay safe and | | | | The language a parent uses with young children can |
| gradually take responsibility for their behaviour without | | | | make a huge difference. Those parents who use the |
| having their spirit squashed. | | | | language of coercion and spend a great deal of time |
| Children in the 2-3 year age group present the most | | | | telling children what they want them to do will generally |
| challenges to parents behaviourally, with the 11-14 year | | | | meet with a child who refuses to cooperate. Effective |
| age group coming a close second. It is not surprising | | | | parents avoid over talking at the point of misbehaviour |
| that these two ages present most difficulty to parents, | | | | and don't try to fight children on every battlefront. |
| as both are significant transitions stages with children in | | | | Effective discipline of young children involves more |
| both age groups pushing their parents hard in the | | | | than simply applying the right technique or strategy to |
| pursuit of greater independence. | | | | match a situation. If it was that simple then dog owners |
| Evidence suggests that parents of young children | | | | would teach us a great deal about gaining cooperation |
| need to adopt a real-life approach to discipline that is | | | | from kids. "Be consistent, praise the good stuff; teach |
| heavy on teaching rather than the punitive stuff. My | | | | one behaviour at a time and growl at bad behaviour" is |
| own work with families suggests that those parents | | | | the appropriate approach for our four-legged friends. If |
| who base their discipline on the twin principles of | | | | we want perfectly obedient kids then we know the |
| consistency and prevention have generally | | | | formula. |
| well-behaved kids and positive relationships as well. | | | | Therein lies the dilemma. We need to raise |
| The notion of consistency is the biggest challenge | | | | cooperative kids capable of making their own |
| modern parents face. Dr. Sal Severe author of the | | | | decisions, to be considerate of others and generally |
| recently published book for parents "How To Behave | | | | survive as adults. This takes time and considerable |
| So Your Children Will Too" says, "Consistency is the | | | | teaching and patience, not to mention the use of |
| most important element in a child's relationship with their | | | | routines, good parental behaviour for children to copy |
| parents." He is on the money. Children need parental | | | | and the opportunity for children to find a place through |
| consistency as it gives them a sense of security and | | | | contribution rather than misbehaviour. |
| control. | | | | The idea of healthy relationships lies at the heart of |
| Consistency means parents dealing with the little | | | | effective discipline. Kids will only cooperate in the long |
| misbehaviours and not letting them grow into bigger | | | | term if they feel their parents are fair, care for them |
| behaviours. It means parents following through and | | | | and have their best interests at heart. Parenting by |
| allowing children to experience a consequence when | | | | remote control or from a distance just won't cut it with |
| they misbehave. It also means that both parents in a | | | | many children. |
| dual parent relationship have a similar approach to | | | | The high priority parents place on healthy relationships |
| behaviours. Children learn from a young age to play | | | | with children is not compromised by the need to teach |
| one parent off against each other when they | | | | them appropriate, safe and socially acceptable |
| standards differ. | | | | behaviour. In fact, good discipline and a good |
| But consistency is hard these days. Consistency, like | | | | parent-child relationship go hand-in-hand. Parents who |
| routines, is often sacrificed by busy working parents | | | | don't have a firm backbone generally find that their |
| and put in the 'too hard basket'. When parents are | | | | children show them little respect, which is a recipe for |
| tired, stretched and overworked the last thing they | | | | relationship disaster. |