| Jan is a sixty-five-year-old grandmother who was | | | | defiant to the grandparent. This is all too often the |
| given custody of her two grandsons, aged 8 and 15, | | | | case. Grandparents should not accept blame from |
| after her daughter was jailed for drug abuse. "At first, | | | | birth parents who have lost their ability to meet their |
| it was a joy to have them in our house," said Jan, | | | | own parenting responsibilities. |
| whose grandchildren came to live with her one year | | | | "You're not my mom! I don't have to listen to you!" |
| ago. "They seemed so happy to be here. But then the | | | | When your grandchild says, "You're not my parent!" I |
| real problems started. Now, my older grandson either | | | | think the best strategy here is to agree with the child. |
| just plain ignores me or he talks back--I don't know | | | | You can say, "You're right, I'm not your mom. But you |
| which is worse. And the younger one is starting to | | | | live in my house now, and these are the rules in my |
| follow suit. I'm starting to wonder where we went | | | | house." Do not condemn the mom or dad or get into a |
| wrong." | | | | discussion about it. All you have to say is, "There are |
| Raising Grandkids: When the Honeymoon is Over | | | | the rules here, and there will be consequences if you |
| Like Jan, often when you first take your grandchild in, | | | | don't follow them." |
| there's a honeymoon period where the change of | | | | When kids say "You're not my mom or dad," what |
| environment and absence of stress from the old living | | | | they're really trying to do is take the power away |
| situation gives your grandchild the chance to show his | | | | from you. Focus on what your role is: Caretaker. That |
| or her best side, which is great. Sadly, all too often the | | | | means you should inform the child what the rules are in |
| honeymoon ends. And the problematic behaviors | | | | your house. The whole idea here is to avoid a power |
| emerge-sometimes slowly, sometimes with great | | | | struggle. What your grandchild is doing is inviting you to |
| rapidity. Either way, it knocks the family off balance. | | | | a fight. And remember, you don't have to attend every |
| The honeymoon should be expected, but grandparents | | | | fight you're invited to. Avoid the power struggle, and |
| should not be deceived into thinking that a magic | | | | calmly state what your role is and what the rules are. |
| solution to the family's problems has occurred by | | | | It's very important to verbalize no judgments about the |
| having the grandchildren come live with them. If the | | | | mother or father. Judgments will only lead to more |
| honeymoon never ends and your grandchild always | | | | anger and resentment, which will lead to more power |
| does great, that's beautiful. But sometimes these kids | | | | struggles. |
| are initially being manipulative, and are using their skills | | | | I want to add that I really admire and respect |
| to try to "con" their grandparents. It's my experience | | | | grandparents-or anyone who adopts or takes in a child |
| that this is a very common thing for kids to do. So if | | | | who has behavioral problems. In my opinion, they're |
| the period of calm ends and the disruptive behavior | | | | amazing. But that doesn't mean that you can do it |
| emerges, I tell grandparents "Don't blame yourself. This | | | | alone. And just as parents need help, so do |
| is just the end of the honeymoon. And you're starting | | | | grandparents, and I urge you to get the help you need |
| to see the child in the light of his true problems." | | | | to successfully live with and raise these children. |
| If You're Helping to Raise Your Grandchildren While | | | | For Grandparents whose Grandchildren are Being |
| Their Parents are Working | | | | Physically Abusive |
| Many grandparents are watching their grandkids in the | | | | First of all, if your grandchild is being physically abusive |
| daytime while a single parent or even both parents are | | | | to you, you should call the police. There's no excuse |
| working. So in effect, those kids have two sets of | | | | for physical abuse. You did not work all your life to be |
| parents and two parenting styles to cope with, and | | | | abused physically in your later years. If you want to be |
| those styles may not always be in sync. | | | | a martyr and allow that, that's your choice. But |
| If the picture is that there's a working single parent and | | | | understand this: choosing to be a martyr doesn't help |
| that you are raising the child during the work hours, it's | | | | the child. If you think you are doing it to help that child, |
| very important that you and the child's parents sit | | | | what you need to understand is that the most |
| down and come to a common understanding of how | | | | important thing for that child is to have powerful limits |
| you're going to manage behavior, what the limits are, | | | | set for them. And if they won't accept the limits |
| and the range of consequences that are appropriate. | | | | imposed by you, then you need to look outside the |
| New situations will present themselves every day, and | | | | home for entities with more power, such as the police |
| you may get frustrated from time to time and feel like | | | | and the social service system. Often you'll hear |
| you're going back to the drawing board, but stick with | | | | grandparents state that they don't want to call the |
| it-it's very important that all the adults in the child's life | | | | authorities because they're afraid their grandchild will |
| are on the same page. | | | | end up in group home or institution. My response is |
| The difficulty here is that grandparents don't like to be | | | | clear: if he's physically hurting you, robbing you, or |
| told how to raise their grandkids, thinking that they've | | | | abusing you, maybe he needs to be in a group home |
| raised their own children and know how to do it just | | | | or institution where the resources are available to |
| fine. And parents don't want their kids to be raised | | | | teach him how to manage himself. |
| outside of their own philosophy. This can become a | | | | I don't say this to be harsh. I say it with complete |
| point of conflict between grandparents and their | | | | empathy for your situation. The fact remains that kids |
| children. Communication and a willingness to look and | | | | who are physically abusive, steal, set fires, or destroy |
| learn by both parties will prevent this problem from | | | | property often need more resources than the ordinary |
| becoming a crisis. | | | | family has to offer. These behaviors should be taken |
| When You Have Custody of Your Grandchildren | | | | very seriously indeed, because they can be precursors |
| Because of Parental Addiction, Abandonment or | | | | of much larger problems. |
| Neglect | | | | If You're Considering Taking in a Grandchild, Ask |
| Children who are living with their grandparents because | | | | Yourself: Are You Able to Manage a Child with |
| of parental addiction, neglect or abandonment bring a | | | | Behavioral Problems? |
| whole set of other problems to deal with. These kids | | | | In my experience, many of the grandparents I worked |
| are already programmed to deal with the negative | | | | with were very committed to their grandchildren, but |
| environment they came from, and may not be ready | | | | were in fact just plain tired. They had lived their lives, |
| to move into a family situation where there are | | | | they had worked like dogs, they had raised their kids, |
| boundaries and rules. What grandparents have to | | | | and now when they were dealing with their own failing |
| remember is, when your grandchildren move in with | | | | health and financial problems, they felt obligated to take |
| you, you are their new family. | | | | on the burden of raising their grandchildren. While I |
| In my private practice, I knew many grandparents who | | | | respect the generosity of grandparents tremendously, I |
| raised their grandchildren because of parental neglect, | | | | wouldn't always advise people to try to manage a |
| abandonment, incarceration or substance abuse. | | | | behaviorally disordered grandchild. Each case is |
| Frankly, these grandparents had their hands full. Often | | | | different. Remember, if the kid is well-behaved and |
| their grandkids came to them with a constellation of | | | | knows how to manage himself, accept authority and |
| inappropriate behaviors already firmly in place. It was | | | | recognize limits, the grandparents can do fine. But |
| very hard for these grandparents to try to change that | | | | behaviorally disordered children are not only draining, |
| behavior or intervene in the child's life. And there are | | | | they require people who have acquired special |
| generational difficulties, as well as physical problems | | | | techniques in order to manage them. |
| with caring for children when you're older. Your energy | | | | Parenting Today Ain't What it Used to Be: Get Help if |
| levels and mental flexibility may not be what they | | | | You Need It |
| were when you were parenting young children | | | | Many of the behaviors grandparents have to address |
| yourself. | | | | today were not part of the youth culture 30 or 50 |
| If the picture is that the grandparents are raising the | | | | years ago: The blatant disrespect, the demand for |
| child because of parental neglect, abuse or | | | | autonomy, the open defiance to rules. These things |
| abandonment, above all, the parents should not be | | | | were present, but not at the level of intensity they are |
| allowed to undermine the authority or rules the | | | | today. Grandparents I met in my practice often |
| grandparents have put in place. You should limit or | | | | reported to me how shocked and discouraged they |
| forbid visits until the parent is willing to comply with that. | | | | where when their grandkids did not accept their |
| That's because the grandparents have now become | | | | authority or the limits they set. |
| the primary parents, and the birth parents have to take | | | | My advice to grandparents in cases where |
| a secondary role. It's all too easy for the secondary | | | | inappropriate behaviors start to emerge is to get help. |
| parents to judge grandparents and be critical of their | | | | That help can be outside the home in a counselor's |
| efforts, because it helps the birth parent not look at his | | | | office, or that help can be inside the home through a |
| or her own irresponsibility and neglect. But this should | | | | training program. If these children have behavior |
| not be tolerated, especially in front of the children. The | | | | disorders, you're going to see all that goes along with |
| grandparents and the birth parent have to | | | | that: manipulative behavior, risk taking, rigidity, senseless |
| communicate, share thoughts and ideas, and then | | | | defiance. Remember not to blame yourself if these |
| come to some method of operating together. | | | | behaviors emerge: grandparents need as much help |
| I want to be clear: such meetings should not become a | | | | as anybody else in dealing with these issues. |
| forum for birth parents to be abusive, oppositional or | | | | |