| When infidelity occurs in a marriage or love relationship | | | | to (and we don't you advise you to) barrage your kids |
| and the couple has children, the challenges can be | | | | with specific details about what happened or give |
| even more difficult. Undoubtedly, no matter how hard | | | | them information that is inappropriate for their ages. |
| the parents try to act as if nothing is amiss when | | | | However, you can be honest that a mistake was |
| around the children, the discord and upset can be | | | | made and that you and your partner are dealing with |
| perceived-- regardless of the children's ages. How | | | | what happened as well as you can. Answer any |
| honest should you be with your children about the | | | | questions with honestly and try very hard to keep to |
| affair? How much can they handle? | | | | the facts as you know them. |
| Parents dealing with an affair don't want to lay adult | | | | Julie and Tom choose to sit down together to finally |
| troubles on their young ones so they sometimes stay | | | | open up and talk with their children about what's |
| silent about what's really going on. Unfortunately, we've | | | | happening between the two of them. It feels important |
| all probably been in the midst of a person who is angry | | | | to Julie and Tom that they both be present for this |
| and trying to hide how he or she really feels. Almost | | | | discussion. Julie shares first with their kids that 6 |
| always, you can sense that this person is not happy, | | | | months ago she made a big mistake that broke |
| even if you have no idea what the trouble is and if you | | | | promises she made to Tom when they got married. |
| are involved. | | | | She explains to them that she is working very hard |
| People of all ages-- including and especially children-- | | | | right now to repair the damage that was done |
| can perceive that something is out of balance. When | | | | because of her mistake and she loves them and their |
| you keep what's going on a secret, your kids could | | | | dad-- Tom-- very much. |
| easily become fearful about these troubles that are | | | | Don't have this discussion with your children when you |
| unknown to them. In fact, they might even imagine | | | | are feeling anger or other intense feelings. You can be |
| circumstances much worse than they are without | | | | honest about how you are feeling, but you don't have |
| some basic understanding of what's actually happening. | | | | to dump those raw feelings on your kids. And, above |
| Julie feels torn up inside. She has admitted to her | | | | all, no matter how hurt you might feel about what |
| husband, Tom, that she had an affair 6 months ago. | | | | happened, try not to blame or judge. If it is helpful for |
| Quite quickly into the affair, Julie realized her huge | | | | you, write out what you would like to say and then |
| mistake and ended the relationship. Since Julie recently | | | | read it to make sure you are keeping to the facts as |
| confessed her infidelity to Tom, he's been silent and | | | | you know them. |
| even avoids her. Julie doesn't know what will happen | | | | Remind your kids that they are safe and loved. |
| to their marriage but she is most worried about their 3 | | | | When it's Tom's turn to talk with the kids, he |
| children. They all seem too young to handle something | | | | emphasizes-- as Julie did too-- that he loves them and |
| like this and, frankly, Julie is worried that they will hate | | | | that this trouble has nothing to do with any of them. It is |
| her because of her betrayal. | | | | between he and Julie. Tom tells the children that he still |
| So Julie and Tom have attempted to maintain the | | | | feels very angry with Julie but that he wants them to |
| appearance that nothing has changed when the kids | | | | stay married and continue to live together as a family. |
| are around even though Tom now gets up in the | | | | He is honest and says that he can't guarantee that he |
| middle of the night to sleep in the spare room and only | | | | and Julie will always stay married, but he reaffirms that |
| speaks to Julie when he absolutely has to. The ruse | | | | no matter what happens, they are all loved, safe and |
| just doesn't seem to be working. Their kids have | | | | will always be a family. |
| started asking questions, wanting to know if everything | | | | Every child and every situation is different. Tune in to |
| is ok and their youngest child has started getting into | | | | yourself and your kids and make choices about how |
| trouble at school. | | | | best to proceed from there. As in the case of Julie |
| Be honest with just the facts. | | | | and Tom, perhaps what your children most want to |
| We encourage you to be as honest as you can be | | | | hear and be reminded of is that you love them and will |
| with your children about the affair and what's | | | | continue to be there for them-- even in difficult times |
| happening in your marriage right now. You don't have | | | | like this. |