| Do you allow others to do and say things to you that | | | | the way you speak to him to model healthy |
| do not feel good? Would you like to establish new | | | | communication. If he continues to misbehave, then you |
| patterns to deal with the problem? | | | | can set your boundary by saying, "If you yell at me, |
| Everyone needs to set healthy boundaries. This is a | | | | you will have to go in your room and stay there until |
| gift to others and you. By allowing people to act in | | | | you can calmly tell me what you want to say." Be sure |
| ways that are not appropriate, you actually hurt them | | | | to follow through with the logical consequence any |
| too because they are stuck in their unhealthy behavior. | | | | time Johnny yells at you. |
| Therefore, it is important to learn how to establish | | | | It is important for parents to prepare their children for |
| boundaries for all involved. | | | | life. You may be willing to take their abuse, but it is not |
| Denise's husband was very frustrated at work. Alan | | | | likely that their peers, bosses, or teachers will. Also, if |
| would come home and yell at her. At first she yelled | | | | you allow abusive behavior, there is a good chance |
| back, and Alan got angrier and acted even meaner. | | | | the child will repeat it with their partner and children. It is |
| Denise stuffed her anger and withdrew. That did not | | | | very important to set healthy boundaries so that your |
| work either because she was miserable, and Alan did | | | | son or daughter can learn acceptable behavior and |
| not improve. In her counseling session, I encouraged her | | | | succeed socially and in school, work, relationships, and |
| to set her boundaries for both of their good. | | | | parenting. |
| Otherwise, she is an enabler or a co-dependent. | | | | You may be asking yourself, what are healthy |
| The following week, Denise told me that she said to | | | | boundaries? These are decided by what feels good |
| Alan in a calm, firm voice, "I am not willing to live this | | | | emotionally and physically for all involved. For example, |
| way." To her surprise, Alan changed his attitude and | | | | taking illegal drugs, drinking alcohol excessively, or |
| stopped his negative behavior. In fact, he was his kind | | | | smoking cigarettes are not healthy for anyone. |
| self again. I imagine that he heard her and realized that | | | | Addictions are ways to numb our pain, but we feel it |
| he could no longer get away with his actions without a | | | | again after the effects of the addiction wears off. If |
| consequence. I acknowledged Denise for setting | | | | this is your scenario, you can say, "I love you and I am |
| healthy boundaries. | | | | not willing to support your addiction." Then, for example, |
| Can you relate to Denise's situation? Are you being | | | | you can make a suggestion to go for counseling to |
| physically or verbally abused? No one deserves to be | | | | deal with the causes of the pain which are the causes |
| the target of other people's pain. No matter what | | | | of the addiction. This is a gift to them and you. |
| happened in the past, you are a good person and you | | | | It is important to be strong, and to protect yourself if |
| deserve to be treated with love and respect. | | | | the abuser refuses to deal with the issues. People |
| I discovered in the process I developed, HART (Holistic | | | | who abuse often need to feel scared to lose you if |
| And Rapid Transformation), that clients who allowed | | | | they do not deal with their problems, in order to have |
| others to be abusive to them as adults experienced | | | | the courage to face their pain (the cause of their |
| that behavior from their parents or guardians. Since | | | | negative behavior). Tell the abuser calmly what you |
| we make decisions from our experiences, they | | | | are willing to do and follow through. |
| decided that they must be bad and deserve to be | | | | It can be more difficult with siblings, cousins, parents, |
| abused. That is not true! The truth is that what people | | | | etc. However it is important to set the same |
| say or do is about them and not you. The truth is that | | | | boundaries. Tell them what you want in a loving way. |
| you are okay and a good person no matter what | | | | Protect yourself from their projection of their pain. You |
| others do or say. | | | | do not deserve to be anyone's scapegoat. |
| If you feel you deserve to be abused because of guilt | | | | In the case of friends who you feel are abusive, have |
| feelings, you can forgive yourself and stop punishing | | | | the courage to let them go. We all need friends and |
| yourself. We all make mistakes so that we can learn | | | | many people can fill that need. Set your intent to be |
| from them. | | | | only with people who are kind, loving, and respectful, |
| Setting healthy boundaries is also a very important | | | | and that is what you will attract. These are healthy |
| parenting skill. Children actually subconsciously want | | | | boundaries. Making excuses for people does not serve |
| you to stop them from misbehaving. They need you to | | | | anyone. |
| be a strong, consistent parent and healthy model for | | | | Be honest with everyone, including yourself. When |
| them. Telling the child what is acceptable and the | | | | other peoples' behaviors do not feel good, take a |
| consequences of their negative behavior is the way to | | | | stand. "I love you, and I am only willing to stay in this |
| go. Then if they misbehave, follow that with the logical | | | | friendship (or relationship) if we can share mutual |
| consequence. | | | | respect and kindness," is a nice way to establish |
| For example, if your son Johnny yells at you, then ask | | | | healthy boundaries. |
| him to speak calmly and respectfully. Of course, that is | | | | |