| What 7 most distressful situations to kids that divorced | | | | - Someday you'll leave me too, just like your father |
| parents should avoid? Learn them to spare your kids | | | | mother. |
| from the painful consequences. | | | | All of these remarks raise fear and anxiety in children. |
| 1. Carrying Message Between Parents | | | | 4. Quizzing Children About The Other Parent |
| A child doesn't like the feeling that he or she must act | | | | Do not make your children a spy in the other parent's |
| as a messenger between hostile parents or carry one | | | | home. It is very difficult for a child of divorced parents |
| adult's secrets or accusations about another. Children | | | | to cope with feeling "caught in the middle". If they want |
| want parents to talk with each other so that the | | | | to tell you about time spent with their other parent (and |
| messages are communicated the right way and so | | | | they usually don't), listen closely and politely, and then |
| that children don't feel like they are going to mess up. | | | | stop. If they don't volunteer any information, try simply, |
| Parents must take the responsibility to talk directly with | | | | "Have a good time? Good." |
| each other, especially if the topic is likely to anger the | | | | Encourage your children to love both parents. They |
| other parent. It is unfair to make your child carry | | | | must not be burdened with having to align with one |
| messages to your "ex" because you find it too | | | | parent's anger against the other. |
| awkward or aggravating to do so yourself. It is also | | | | 5. Taking Sides |
| poor parenting to show by example to your child that | | | | Your child wants to love both of his or her parents. |
| you can resolve a problem with another person by not | | | | Asking your child to take your side in any situation |
| communicating or to suggest to a child that the other | | | | regarding your ex-spouse can create a tremendous |
| parent is such a monster that you cannot speak or be | | | | amount of stress for your child. |
| civil with each other. | | | | Avoid putting children in the position of having to take |
| Wherever possible, communicate directly with the | | | | sides. Allow your children to continue to love both |
| other parent about matters relevant to the children, | | | | parents without being made to feel guilty or disloyal. |
| such as scheduling, visitation, health habits, or school | | | | 6. Dealing With Parent's Feeling |
| problems. | | | | Complaining to your child about how lonely you are |
| 2. Getting Involve With Money Issues | | | | after the separation makes a child feel guilty and sad |
| Avoid arguing and discussing child support issues in | | | | and want to "parent" you. It's not healthy for them to |
| front of the children. How would you feel if you are | | | | be consumed with worry for their parents' ability to |
| that child hearing mom and dad arguing about your | | | | survive. |
| financial support? Most children upon hearing these | | | | Let your child be a child. They need the freedom to be |
| things feel that their existence is some kind of parent's | | | | children. It's easy, but wrong, to make your adolescent |
| burden. | | | | child, or even your adult child, a confidant in dealing with |
| Who will pay for what and how available money | | | | your recovery, your dating life, or your fears. Even if |
| should be spent are adult issues that the parents must | | | | children seem capable of handling these concerns |
| discuss directly. Do not put your children in the middle | | | | without ill effects, they rarely are. |
| of your child support disputes. | | | | 7. Threatening To Cut Off Contact With The Children |
| 3. Hearing Criticisms Of The Other Parent | | | | If The Other Parent Doesn't Do Or Stop Doing |
| It hurts a child very much to hear one loved parent | | | | Something |
| criticize the other loved parent. Children see | | | | The kids hear these threats and fear more loss in their |
| themselves as half of each parent. When children hear | | | | lives. Such conduct hurts your kids and must not be |
| bad things about one parent, they hear bad things | | | | continued. |
| about half of themselves. If they hear bad things about | | | | Recognize that for your child to have the best chance |
| both their parents, they feel that both halves of them | | | | of growing up to be a functional human male or |
| must be of little worth. | | | | female, he/she will need both parents as role models |
| Even if you are sure you're right, try to avoid criticizing | | | | and nurturers. This means that there should be some |
| the other parent around the kids, and try to find good | | | | pathway of getting through to the child whatever good |
| things to say, or don't say anything at all. | | | | that parent has to offer. |
| The following is a list of destructive remarks that you | | | | Anything that puts a child in the middle of dispute is |
| should not make to your child. If you find yourself | | | | unhealthy, and causes the most problems for divorcing |
| saying words like these, stop and think about their | | | | families. If parents don't work issues through, those |
| impact on your child. | | | | issues have a huge effect on their kids. |
| - You're lazy/stubborn/bad tempered, just like your | | | | It can be hard to do, but parents can improve a |
| mother/father. | | | | situation by recognizing their divorce is from each |
| - Your mother/father put you up to saying that. | | | | other, not the children. Kids need to see that even |
| - Your dad/mom doesn't love any of us or he/she | | | | though their parents might not love each other, they |
| wouldn't have left us. | | | | are committed to staying connected because of their |
| - You can't trust her/him. | | | | responsibilities as parents. At time, this may seem |
| - He/she was just no good. | | | | absolutely impossible, because the parents can't |
| - If she/he loved you, she/he would send your support | | | | tolerate the idea of being connected. Yet the child |
| checks on time. | | | | needs both of them, psychologically if not in reality. |