| When parents realize that their child might have either | | | | doesn't. The bitter truth in this situation is that that child |
| a behavioral or learning problem, the first thing many do | | | | still needs to learn to perform. What happens in these |
| is blame themselves. Parents are usually very | | | | cases is that parents identify their children as the |
| frightened and worried about their children's behavior. | | | | victim, a victim of a learning disability, a victim of a |
| This fear often manifests itself in negative ways. One | | | | mental health problem, which they use to make |
| of those ways is blame. | | | | excuses for the child's inappropriate behavior and poor |
| As problems continue, they start to externalize the | | | | performance. The problem with "victim" thinking is that |
| blame to other people or institutions. They blame | | | | it lessens the expectation that the child will learn to |
| therapists and teachers who are ineffective in | | | | take care of himself in the adult world. Know this: |
| managing their child. As the child gets older, parents | | | | Adults with ADHD or bipolar disorder still have to get |
| blame his friends or the neighborhood or the music he | | | | up every morning and go to work, get along with their |
| listens to. As the child grows into a young adult, they | | | | colleagues, respect their supervisors, and perform and |
| blame drugs and alcohol, or our culture. | | | | be productive. Kids with dyslexia, Asperger's |
| One of the real tragedies of dealing with behaviorally | | | | syndrome, or other neurological impairments have to |
| disordered children is when you see everybody | | | | lead productive lives if they want to make it in society. |
| blaming each other. The parent blames the teacher, | | | | There's just no getting around that. |
| the teacher blames the parent, the child blames both | | | | If you see your child as a victim, he will eventually see |
| the teacher and the parents, and it goes on and on. I've | | | | himself that way, too. This is perhaps the most |
| seen many parents get stuck in battles that don't help | | | | treacherous part of blaming and excuse making, |
| their children. Don't get me wrong, parents often have | | | | because it develops one of the worst possible |
| to battle to get their kids the services they need in the | | | | perceptions in kids: "Since I'm a victim, the rules don't |
| school's economic environment. But all too often, | | | | apply to me." Herein lies the real danger. There are |
| parents use those issues and others as excuses to | | | | rules that accompany learning. There are rules that |
| justify their child's lack of behavioral or academic | | | | accompany individual change. Children who don't follow |
| development, and that becomes a habit that's hard to | | | | those rules often don't learn and don't change. And |
| break. Parents can literally become dependent on | | | | you'll hear much too much focus on the child as |
| blame. After all, it's easier to fight with the school than it | | | | "victim" and not the child as participant in his own |
| is to fight with behaviorally disordered kids. Again, I'm | | | | education and maturation. |
| not minimizing the resistance from schools that parents | | | | Let me be clear: excuse-making is not a sign of bad |
| sometimes experience. But they have to remember to | | | | parenting. It's simply ineffective. It's very difficult for |
| also keep the focus on the child. | | | | parents to be firm when their kids are having a harder |
| The major problem with making excuses and giving | | | | time than other kids. But firmness is what it takes. My |
| explanations is that it doesn't help the child learn to | | | | son has dyslexia. In school, that was a real impediment |
| manage him or herself or to perform. Blame prevents | | | | to his learning. Nonetheless, he had to do the work. We |
| you from seeing your child in an objective light. Let's | | | | got him the help he needed when we could, but he still |
| face it, parents have every reason to be afraid for | | | | needed to learn to write and read and perform in the |
| kids who have behavioral problems or learning | | | | adult world. His dyslexia was a problem that he had to |
| difficulties. Life is very demanding, and those demands | | | | learn to solve and our job was to help him to learn to |
| start very early. Blaming and excuse-making go | | | | do that. Parents cannot solve their child's behavioral |
| hand-in-hand, and they prevent you from understanding | | | | and learning problems for them. They have to |
| that no matter what the handicapping condition, no | | | | empower the child to do that themselves, and that |
| matter what the problem, each child has to learn to | | | | starts with this thought: Stop seeing your child as a |
| perform in a socially acceptable manner. Your child has | | | | victim and blaming external situations for his individual |
| to learn how to solve problems. They have to learn to | | | | predicament. |
| interact socially as well as learn how to change and | | | | If You've Been Playing the Blame Game, Here's How |
| grow. It's true that there are cases where kids have a | | | | to Stop |
| harder time learning than others. But that should be no | | | | If you've been making excuses for your child's |
| excuse, because your child is going to have to be able | | | | behavior, you need to be straightforward in addressing |
| to perform when he becomes an adult, no matter | | | | the problem. The "Alternative Response" method is a |
| what. | | | | helpful guideline to this kind of conversation. Sit down |
| Excuses, Excuses: What's Your Kid's Excuse? | | | | with your child and point out that whatever it is you're |
| Children shouldn't be allowed to blame other people, | | | | doing now isn't working any more. Gauge your |
| places or things for not meeting expectations or | | | | remarks based upon the age and developmental level |
| completing tasks. In reality, when a child blames | | | | of your child. The younger the child, the more simplistic |
| someone else, he's saying "It's not my responsibility | | | | the conversation has to be. In any case, the |
| because I'm a victim of that person, label, or thing." For | | | | conversation should be brief and to the point. I can't |
| instance, in the classic, "My dog ate my homework," | | | | stress enough the importance of not making a lot of |
| what the child is really saying is "I'm a victim of the dog, | | | | justifications or giving in to emotionalism. Don't say, "I'm |
| so I shouldn't be held to the same standard as the | | | | sorry we let you down." A simple, "This isn't helping |
| other kids." Make no doubt about it: kids who see | | | | you," is fine. Explanations longer than that invite |
| themselves as victims and are allowed to perpetuate | | | | arguments which we like to avoid when we can. |
| that rationale have a tough time achieving the very | | | | This is your chance to make a fresh start. You can |
| difficult milestones that early life development | | | | say, "Our relationship with the school hasn't really been |
| demands. When kids play the victim game with their | | | | working, and how we've been handling things hasn't |
| parents or teachers, they should be told, "Blaming the | | | | been working. We don't think it's giving you what you |
| dog doesn't solve your problem. You need to have | | | | really need. So from now on, when you don't do your |
| your homework done by the end of the day or you'll | | | | homework, this is how we're going to handle it. If you're |
| get a zero." Parents can also utilize that same analogy | | | | abusive with our neighbors or friends or schoolmates, |
| when dealing with social situations. "Blaming your sister | | | | this is how we'll handle it." Spell out what will happen if |
| for why you hit her doesn't solve the problem of 'no | | | | they don't follow the rules: "From now on, if you don't |
| violence in our home,' and you know the | | | | do your homework, you won't be allowed to watch |
| consequences for hitting." And have your child perform | | | | TV until it's done. If we see you abusing people, you |
| those consequences immediately. Consequences for | | | | won't be allowed to play your video games for the |
| inappropriate behaviors should be clearly understood | | | | rest of the day." The best method is to have a short |
| by everyone before incidents occur. Remember, | | | | conversation, and then say, "I have something else I |
| consequences are the results of poor choices, and not | | | | have to do now," and go do it. Don't make it a long, |
| the punishment for bad behavior. | | | | drawn-out affair. |
| On the other hand, when parents make excuses for | | | | Later on, follow through on the consequences you've |
| their children, it's a way that they minimize the | | | | laid out. You should expect a response that includes a |
| problems their children are having. Often, excuses are | | | | wide range of acting out behavior, from verbal abuse |
| simply the explanations. The parent sends a note to | | | | to threats of non-performance, to sullen silence. |
| school saying, "Tommy wasn't feeling well. Please | | | | Nonetheless, if you stick with this, in the long run, you're |
| accept his lateness to school." That's fine. But parents | | | | doing your child a big favor. Accountability for basic |
| of children with behavioral problems are forced to | | | | responsibility creates change. Excuses stifle change. |
| make explanations every day, and these explanations | | | | It's not about "Fault"--It's about Responsibility |
| transform into excuses for the child's behavior. They | | | | When kids focus on excuses, parents need to focus |
| excuse the child's refusal to do schoolwork at home. | | | | on responsibility. Of course, some excuses are valid, |
| They make excuses for the child fighting and arguing | | | | and the responsibility for knowing how to sort that out |
| with other kids, both in and out of the house. They | | | | rests with the parent. But many, many excuses are |
| make excuses for the child's rudeness. Some are | | | | just simply that: thoughts children use to excuse |
| very understandable: There's been a divorce. Or there | | | | themselves from not meeting their responsibilities. |
| are family problems at home and the parents are | | | | When those are raised in a conversation where a child |
| having problems, which manifest themselves in the | | | | wants to shift the focus away from the responsibility |
| behavior of the children. Sometimes it's a learning | | | | and onto the excuse, parents have to shift it back |
| disability or mental health diagnosis that parents use to | | | | from excuse and onto the matter at hand: the child's |
| try to explain their kid's unwillingness or inability to | | | | responsibility. |
| perform. | | | | So if you say, "Why didn't you do your homework," the |
| Let me begin by saying I have empathy for those | | | | parent is really asking, "Why didn't you meet your |
| parents who are dealing with kids who have | | | | responsibility?" When your child says, "I forgot to bring |
| behavioral and social disorders and learning disabilities. I | | | | my book home again," he's really saying, "It's not my |
| encourage their efforts to get the right services for | | | | fault that I didn't meet my responsibility." You need to |
| their children. Nonetheless, my experience from | | | | respond by saying, "We're not talking about whose |
| working with older children is that the validity of these | | | | fault it is, we're talking about whose responsibility it is." In |
| handicapping conditions for explanations of | | | | that way, you can shift the focus back onto the child's |
| inappropriate behavior or a lack of functioning skills | | | | responsibilities and you won't get stuck in an argument |
| become less and less meaningful as time goes by. No | | | | about the nature of the excuse. If the child makes |
| matter what the diagnosis is in early or middle | | | | excuses about misbehavior, respond, "We're not talking |
| childhood, these children have to grow up and learn to | | | | about why you misbehaved, we're talking about why |
| perform like adults. | | | | you didn't meet your responsibility." |
| It's my experience that parents put a lot of effort into | | | | If you argue or debate about the excuse, you're simply |
| seeking the right diagnosis, looking to the diagnosis to | | | | encouraging your child to come up with bigger and |
| change the behavior. I've had parents tell me | | | | better ones. |
| triumphantly that their child has been diagnosed with | | | | My advice to parents: Don't argue, just focus on the |
| bipolar disorder or ADHD, as if that changes anything. It | | | | responsibility. |