| In my first few years of parenting education, I often | | | | taking and teaching parenting courses, and reading |
| wished I could start over. I could see clearly how my | | | | dozens of books on parenting. I believed that I could |
| behavior had created many problems with my kids. I | | | | heal and mature from my own childhood issues |
| thought if only I had been more patient when they | | | | through parenting well. Yet on the other hand, I was |
| were young, or more consistent, they wouldn't have | | | | facing behavior issues that other parents taking my |
| the issues they had. Yet I came to realize that the real | | | | classes were facing, or ones that some of my |
| problem was the very belief that things would be | | | | students weren't even struggling with like hitting! It was |
| better if I could just start over. | | | | very stressful, and it added to my pessimism because |
| The root of my desire to start over was another | | | | even after all this work, I still was struggling. |
| inaccurate belief. I believed that I had wrecked my | | | | When confiding with a friend during my darkest hours, I |
| children by not being a perfect parent. Not only was I | | | | would occasionally become conscious of the fact that |
| being way too hard on myself for my poorer parenting | | | | I believed that it was hopeless because I had already |
| moments, I was just plain wrong. My kids were not | | | | wrecked the kids. Yet that consciousness didn't help a |
| wrecked. They had some undesirable traits that we've | | | | lot because I didn't ever fully challenge the belief. Once |
| been able to work with and improve over the years, | | | | I understood from Seligman's work that I had a |
| and they are great kids. | | | | tendency to be pessimistic, and that people who are |
| A huge aid for me in my parenting has been Dr. Martin | | | | pessimists tend to create the reality they predict, I had |
| Seligman's work. When I read his book The Optimistic | | | | the framework and the tools that I needed to |
| Child, it was like a light was turned on in a dimly lit room. | | | | challenge this damaging and faulty belief. |
| Despite having a cheerful and upbeat attitude a lot of | | | | My passion for parenting education has grown as I |
| the time, I had a significant thread of pessimism in my | | | | see how parenting has helped me to mature and |
| thinking. That trait made parenting profoundly more | | | | become so much happier and better adjusted. I look |
| difficult than it needed to be, despite all of my | | | | back now and see that prior to having kids, I didn't |
| knowledge from my years spent doing parenting | | | | have the best coping skills. I did fairly well in the |
| education. | | | | professional world, but nowhere near as well as I could |
| Now that my kids are turning 13 and 11, I look back and | | | | have done if I had more of the skills that I have learned |
| see two things very clearly: | | | | since becoming a parent. There are no accidents |
| | | | though; my kids got the right mother, They were |
| 1. I have great kids who are well-behaved, happy and | | | | created with the resiliency to weather my mistakes as |
| well-adjusted, despite my earlier fear that I had | | | | well as to flourish under my increasingly great |
| wrecked them. | | | | parenting. |
| 2. My fears and underlying pessimism actually made | | | | Starting over was not only impossible, but it would |
| parenting, especially discipline, that much more painful | | | | have been wrong. I was being offered the chance to |
| and slow than it had to be. How did my pessimism | | | | heal from my debilitating perfectionism, which I think |
| slow down the process of teaching my children better | | | | must always have its roots in pessimism. I was trying |
| behavior and coping skills? When people believe they | | | | to be perfect because I believed that anything less |
| can't do something, they don't try as hard, and they get | | | | was catastrophic, which is a very pessimistic and |
| frustrated more easily. This makes complete sense; if | | | | damaging thought. |
| you are asked to do something that you know you | | | | I was given the perfect kids for me and the situations |
| can't do, like run a marathon tomorrow if you aren't | | | | that I needed to grow and become more of who I |
| currently training for one, you would give up easily too. | | | | was meant to be. I have had deep healing from |
| Then add the stress and frustration that would result if | | | | childhood wounds that my parents were not even |
| running the marathon tomorrow was the most | | | | aware of. I didn't need to start over for my kids' sake |
| important thing in the world to you. You would be | | | | or my own. What I needed was to have faith in the |
| extremely frustrated with the knowledge that you just | | | | parent I wanted to be, and patience with myself as I |
| couldn't do it no matter how hard you tried. | | | | evolved towards that vision. |
| That was precisely how I felt. On the one hand, I was | | | | |