| As parents, we all deal with the question of how to | | | | not always work with the world at large, and small |
| handle our children every day. When dealing with an | | | | errors can add up over time to create a way of |
| oppositional child, this question becomes much more | | | | viewing the world which is not accurate. |
| complex. It can seem like no matter what you say or | | | | According to James Lehman MSW, the single most |
| do, your child simply refuses to behave appropriately, | | | | common problem children have is in identifying and |
| and you might feel like it's purely to be contrary. | | | | interpreting the emotions of other people. Like most |
| From the child's perspective, however, this is a classic | | | | things, this is a skill that improves with practice, and |
| power struggle of two people who want different | | | | many children don't get much real practice. |
| things. When you want something from your child, and | | | | Whether it's because they only encounter a few |
| your child wants something else, it appears to be a | | | | people, or they only encounter a few emotional states, |
| very simple dynamic of "this or that" - and the child | | | | they have trouble seeing how other people are feeling... |
| naturally prefers one side of the question. | | | | and interpreting what their words mean, over and |
| In many cases, the oppositional child is behaving this | | | | above the verbal content, can be very difficult. |
| way not because of some inherent flaw, but because | | | | Many studies have shown that most of what we |
| of learned behaviors which are no longer effective - | | | | communicate - some studies say up to 93% - is not |
| the behaviors that worked when they were younger, | | | | verbal. While we concentrate heavily on teaching our |
| for example, do not work quite as well now that they | | | | young children to speak, read, and write words, we |
| are older. | | | | don't often spend much time teaching them how to |
| As children grow, oppositional behavior can become | | | | understand the other elements of communication: tone |
| more pronounced simply because the child's wants | | | | of voice, pauses in speech, inflections, and body |
| and needs are becoming more sophisticated. With | | | | language. |
| time, they gradually construct a mental framework that | | | | When we exert a little effort in teaching these |
| allows them to deal with the world around them. This | | | | additional elements of communication, the oppositional |
| framework initially deals with only one or two people - | | | | child often finds the world a more understandable |
| their parents - and gradually expands to deal with | | | | place, where there are other ways to achieve their |
| siblings, friends, and teachers. | | | | goals. |
| But what worked with a smaller group of people may | | | | |