| This often happens in marital splits. It can be as serious | | | | because you may not parent in the same way as the |
| as one parent turning the kids against the other in a | | | | other parent or step-parent, that does not make it |
| custody battle, or it can be simply a matter of a parent | | | | wrong nor right. It also does not make them wrong, nor |
| overindulging the kids to make up for leaving the | | | | right. There is no absolute wrong nor right in |
| marriage. Whatever the reason my be, it is not really | | | | parenting...with ONE exception: dragging children into |
| relevant. Motive is insignificant while the damage is not. | | | | the power-struggles of adults is always WRONG. |
| Sometimes it's a step-parent feeling the need to "win | | | | How do we avoid this? |
| over" the step-children or it could simply be that the | | | | - Communicate directly with each other. If you're not |
| step-parent role is new and confusing, especially to | | | | comfortable with the step-parent, ask that they not be |
| one that has never had their own children thus has little | | | | involved in the conversation, but if they are involved |
| or no experience with parenting issues. If that | | | | make sure the biological parent is present during any |
| step-parent is with the biological parent who tends to | | | | discussions about your children. |
| be the more indulgent parent, it becomes a problem, | | | | - Never criticize the other parent or step-parent in the |
| especially if a child sees this as an opportunity to take | | | | presence of your children. If you disagree with a |
| control. | | | | choice the other (step)parent has made, do not |
| When the step-parent views the situation as a | | | | undermine that choice. Remain neutral or supportive |
| popularity-contest, it is a no-win situation for all involved, | | | | until you can discuss it with the other parent directly. |
| especially if the parents engage in it. | | | | The kids must always perceive you as a parenting |
| It is extremely important for parents and step-parents | | | | TEAM. |
| to keep the children OUT of any power-struggles they | | | | - Do not engage in negative discussions with your |
| have with one another. It can be very alluring to involve | | | | children about the other (step)parents. Encourage your |
| them, however it exhibits a huge degree of maturity | | | | kids to communicate their concerns directly. You must |
| and integrity to resist that temptation. Not to resist | | | | remain neutral, despite your personal feelings or |
| displays a self-serving immaturity that can inflict | | | | opinions. |
| long-term damage on the children and their | | | | - Discourage them from venting to you, but provide an |
| relationships with all the involved (step)parents. | | | | arena for them if venting is needed such as a |
| The important thing to realize is that a contest is not a | | | | counselor, support group, or trusted neutral friend. |
| contest without contestants. By this I mean: even if | | | | - The other (step)parents may not follow these "rules" |
| another (step)parent decides to engage you in a | | | | of conduct. You have no control over their choices |
| power-struggle, you have the power to disengage and | | | | and behavior but you do have control over your own. |
| end the contest. | | | | When they show disrespect toward you, resist the |
| Remember that up until now you have done your best | | | | temptation to retaliate. Your kids will be watching to |
| to raise your children in the best way you could with | | | | see who handles the situation maturely. If it can't be |
| what you had. Everyone makes mistakes along the | | | | everyone, then let it be you! |
| way, mistakes being opportunities to learn. Just | | | | |