| What's does it take to raise a successful kid and adult | | | | direct line to your child's core, "who I am." Validating |
| with good character? A brand-new study reveals the | | | | feelings validates your child. The result: "I'm acceptable, |
| secret: tough love made of three ingredients-a | | | | I'm good, no matter what." |
| confident parent(s), warmth, and consistent discipline. | | | | - Warmth and discipline need to happen at the same |
| (Demos think tank study released November 10, 2009.) | | | | time. It's typical for warmth to be absent from discipline |
| After nearly forty years as a child mental health | | | | ("I'm sick and tired of your always being late"). Warmth |
| counselor, I enthusiastically agree with this study's | | | | during discipline is a learned skill; parents aren't born |
| conclusions, and you probably do too. But how do you | | | | with it. Once learned, discipline sounds like this: "You're |
| mix these three ingredients in just the right way? | | | | having trouble with your eleven o'clock curfew. Let's |
| That's the trick. After working with 2500 clients, I've | | | | find a way that will help you stick with it." There's no |
| seen a recipe emerge that really works. | | | | flexing on the curfew time, but how to make it work is |
| Let's roll up our sleeves and start by understanding | | | | up for discussion. You listen, you validate feelings, and |
| warmth, consistent discipline, and confident parents. | | | | you come up with a plan that works for both of you. |
| Then we'll get to the mixing-the-ingredients part. | | | | That's warmth and discipline combined. (Of course, |
| Warmth toward your child is the result of | | | | sometimes you have to do it your way.) |
| well-developed parental love, which I call "unleashed" | | | | - Discipline (teaching, training) needs to be clear and |
| parental love. Unleashed parental love focuses | | | | firm (tough): "no means no"; "this behavior is |
| consistently on the good within a child during good | | | | unacceptable and needs to stop." Action needs to |
| times as well as difficult times. Warmth means | | | | reinforce the words, consistently. The eleven o'clock |
| acceptance, a child's fundamental need. It's a parenting | | | | curfew mentioned above is handled like this. First Eva |
| skill that needs to be learned. With practice, warmth | | | | was allowed to share her frustration with Dad |
| happens consistently and your child's belief of "I'm | | | | validating her feelings. Then Dad made the point, "You |
| good," "My mom and dad accept me" will be firmly | | | | need to be home at eleven o'clock every time." Then |
| established. | | | | a deal was struck: "If you follow the curfew for a |
| Discipline is teaching and training from the perspective | | | | month, the time will be extended for thirty minutes, just |
| that your child is fundamentally good and that | | | | as you requested. No excuses during the next month. |
| unacceptable behavior needs to be continually | | | | If you break the rule, your car's gone for two weeks. " |
| changed. And the best training occurs with consistent | | | | Eva starts to argue. Dad responds as he walks away, |
| firm limit setting (tough love), delivered with respect | | | | "Discussion's over." |
| (warmth). The key discipline point to impart to your child | | | | Let's close with some tried and tested mixing tips: |
| is this: You are more than your behavior. Your child | | | | - Start with your child's feelings and thoughts, not yours. |
| must believe, "My behavior is only a part of who I am. I | | | | - Deal with behavior only after feelings and thoughts |
| am fundamentally good, acceptable even when I make | | | | have been validated. |
| a mistake." With this belief in place, self-confidence | | | | - Set initial expectations for 98 percent success. |
| flourishes. | | | | Success is a huge motivator for change. |
| Parental confidence comes from successful results. | | | | - Avoid judging. |
| Your confidence builds when your discipline results in | | | | - Delete negative comments. |
| your child's (1) behavior consistently improving, (2) | | | | - Be calm; walk away if frustration gets too much. Too |
| self-confidence flourishing, (3) independence increasing, | | | | much anger leads to "I'm bad." |
| and (4) bonding with you remaining solid. | | | | - Listen 75 percent of the time and talk 25 percent; |
| So, how are these ingredients combined for the best | | | | keep talking brief, only one or two points. |
| result? First some general guidelines and then several | | | | - Ask questions during the 25 percent talking time. |
| tried and tested mixing tips. | | | | - Admit your mistakes. |
| General Guidelines: | | | | What's the take-home lesson? Teaching and training |
| - Most important guideline: Your most important job is | | | | your child with consistent, firm limit-setting in a warm |
| to establish "I'm good" within the center of your child; it's | | | | caring way gives you and your child outstanding |
| a child's life-essential need; it's the foundation for | | | | results. You will become a confident parent. Your child |
| flourishing self-confidence, and your child will feel "I'm | | | | will establish self-confidence ("I'm good"), feel |
| accepted." But how's it done? Always validate and | | | | acceptable, be successful, and establish great |
| focus first on your child's feelings and thoughts and | | | | character traits. |
| then on behavior. Why? Feelings and thoughts are the | | | | |