| tly, a well known educator and speaker on parenting | | | | respect and, though I have not needed them yet, I |
| issues made a list of all the difficult questions parents | | | | know that I can rely on them if things ever turn sour. |
| had been asking him about their teens. He noticed that | | | | Here is an important point to remember. If your child is |
| of all the issues that are bothering parents, the number | | | | confiding is a responsible adult, then you must be |
| one concern is what to do about bad friends. This | | | | careful not to pressure your this person to reveal what |
| question was mentioned more than twice as often as | | | | is being discussed. You have the right to know some |
| the next most common concern. | | | | general answers like if things are okay or if your child |
| This educator then did a very interesting experiment. | | | | is going through a rough time. But do not press for |
| At the time he was working with a number of troubled | | | | information. You may be doing great harm to your |
| teens. Many of these teens were estranged from their | | | | child. |
| families. Some of them had resolved their difficulties | | | | Get to Know Your Child's Friends |
| and were already in the process of making peace | | | | This is very bold advice, but it usually works well. You |
| with their parents. | | | | should get to know your child's friends personally. A |
| He asked these teenagers, "What should I tell parents | | | | number of good things may come out of this. |
| so that their children won't have the problems you are | | | | You may find out that the children with whom your |
| having." | | | | child associates are really not as bad as your initial |
| He asked their advice on a number of issues that | | | | impression. The teen years are hard on everyone. All |
| parents were finding difficult. In general, these | | | | children have difficulty. It is very possible you might find |
| teenagers had very good advice. However, when he | | | | that your child's friends are basically good kids who |
| asked them what to do about the number one issue | | | | are going through tough times. |
| that was troubling parents about their teens, none of | | | | Here is how you can do it. Pick an event, like your |
| them had anything to say. | | | | child's birthday or the end of the school year or some |
| He then asked these teens what it was that got them | | | | other special occasion. Tell your child that you want to |
| in trouble in the first place. The number one answer | | | | take him and four or five of his friends out to dinner to |
| was bad friends. | | | | celebrate. Take them to a restaurant. If you are going |
| So the number one issue that worries parents about | | | | to be embarrassed by being seen with them, take |
| their teens is bad friends. The number one cause of | | | | them somewhere away from your home. If you live in |
| teens getting into trouble is bad friends. And the | | | | Brooklyn, take them to a restaurant in Queens. If you |
| answer that these teens gave as to how to help | | | | live on the Boston North Shore take them to a |
| parents deal with this issue was, "There is nothing | | | | restaurant on the South Shore. You don't have to |
| parents can do." | | | | embarrass yourself, but you should be subtle about it. |
| The Reasons | | | | Your child shouldn't be able to figure out that the |
| One reason that parents can't separate their child from | | | | reason you are driving 20 miles away from your |
| a bad friend is that the friend often has a stronger | | | | house is that you would rather be dead than be |
| relationship. When a child is young, his parents are the | | | | caught seen with his friends. |
| major influence in his life. As children enter | | | | Here is what you will gain: |
| adolescence a change occurs. A natural part of | | | | 1. You might find that you misjudged these children. |
| growing up is breaking away from parents and making | | | | 2. You will be giving your child the messages that since |
| bonds with peers. This is normal. If the parent child | | | | they are his friends, you welcome them. |
| bond is healthy, children will eventually renew their ties | | | | 3. You will be giving your child's friends the same |
| with their parents. This happens in the late teens or | | | | message. Depending upon their own personal situation |
| early twenties. But throughout most of adolescence, a | | | | you may be the only adult in their lives that are treating |
| normal child is closer to his friends than his family. | | | | them as people. |
| A second reason parents find it so difficult to separate | | | | 4. You will be acquiring four or five allies who are in a |
| their teens from bad friends is that to put it simply you | | | | very strong position to help you at a time when you |
| can't take away what you can't replace. Parents | | | | need it most. |
| cannot replace their child's friends. | | | | The Advantage of Having Your Child's Friends as |
| What You Can Do | | | | Allies |
| Do Not Attack Your Child's Friends | | | | The first thing that you need to know is that children |
| If your child is running in a bad crowd, your hold on him | | | | have a very strong sense of right and wrong. They |
| is loose or non-existent. The last thing you should do is | | | | may be doing the wrong thing, but they are well aware |
| to acquire an enemy. If you make a personal attack | | | | of it. |
| on your child's friend that is exactly what you are going | | | | Now, picture this scenario. Your child is out with his |
| to get, a sworn enemy. This enemy will now be out to | | | | friends Saturday night doing what you would rather not |
| get you and he very likely have more influence on | | | | know about. It is 11:30 and you get a call on the phone. |
| your child than you. | | | | Your child is having a great time and everyone is still |
| It will not help to tell your child not to tell this friend. If | | | | here, can he stay out until 2 am? You remind your child |
| you trash your child's friend, this person will know about | | | | that he has a 12:00 curfew and he has to be home. |
| it minutes to hours after the words leave your mouth. | | | | Your child says a few choice things to you to and |
| You will have made an enemy for life, at a time when | | | | slams down the phone. |
| you need every ally that you can get. | | | | Now to whom does a teen complain when he is angry |
| This does not mean you cannot criticize the behavior. It | | | | with his parents? His friends. So after he hangs up he |
| is fair and reasonable to tell your child that you object | | | | goes to his friend and starts calling you every name in |
| to the kinds of things his friend is doing. However, don't | | | | his somewhat extensive vocabulary. Let's say that this |
| make it a personal attack. Once you do that, you place | | | | friend is someone you took out to dinner three weeks |
| yourself in a battle that you are almost certain to lose. | | | | ago. |
| Enlist Help | | | | That person might just say to your child, "What's |
| As part of growing up, your child is trying to break | | | | wrong with you? Your mother is okay. Look, you |
| away from you and forge his own path in life. This is | | | | know she's right. Why are you giving her such an |
| normal. However, this need to break away only | | | | attitude?" This teen that you just took out to dinner |
| involves you. It does not involve other adults. This gives | | | | may send your child home before any of the real |
| you an opportunity to indirectly influence your child. | | | | trouble starts, all because you bought him dinner and |
| You should try to find an adult or a responsible older | | | | treated him like a person. |
| teen that can foster a relationship with your child. It can | | | | Now what would have happened if you had trashed |
| be a member of your extended family or someone in | | | | this person? Do you think he'd be so quick to take |
| your community. You can have this person keep | | | | your side? That's the advantage of making your child's |
| contact with your child and try to direct him whenever | | | | friends allies instead of enemies. |
| possible. | | | | Conclusion |
| If your child is still young, you should take the | | | | Your teen is going to pick his friends. There is very little |
| opportunity to try to set up a relationship with | | | | you can do at this age to influence his choices. |
| someone older while you still have influence. I | | | | However, if you approach the problem with wisdom, |
| personally have set up several adults for each of my | | | | there are a number of ways you can indirectly |
| teenage children. These are people my children | | | | influence your child and help him to stay out of trouble. |