| Many parents of children with Oppositional Defiant | | | | you're saying no, you're really re-focusing that child on |
| Disorder feel hopeless and alone. They live in homes | | | | the schedule. Understanding the schedule and |
| that become like little prisons as they deal with kids | | | | internalizing the structure are important coping skills that |
| who are absolutely out of control and unmanageable. | | | | kids with ODD need to develop. So you're |
| They don't like their child any more, even though they | | | | accomplishing two things here: You're avoiding a direct |
| still love him or her. And they're confused about why | | | | fight with "no," and you're focusing on structure and |
| nothing works. They tell me they feel isolated and | | | | scheduling, which are coping skills these kids need to |
| lonely because they can't socialize with other families | | | | learn. |
| due to their child's behavior. Certainly things like | | | | And as a parent, remember that the idea is to not to |
| sleepovers, days at the beach, parties-all those | | | | think about yourself as giving in, but rather, you're |
| activities become affected by this kind of child. It's not | | | | avoiding situations where there's a higher risk of your |
| surprising that these families have a harder time in | | | | child acting out. So if you find yourself having to avoid |
| general, and often wind up emotionally, spiritually, and | | | | too many situations when you're at the mall because |
| functionally bankrupt. The other siblings grow up in an | | | | of the fear of outbursts, my recommendation is that |
| atmosphere of intimidation and frustration. Attempts to | | | | you avoid going to the mall with that child until he's at |
| just get the opposition to stop, however | | | | the skill level where he can handle it. |
| well-intentioned, are often met with frustration and | | | | - Escape from Fights |
| failure. As a parent of a child with ODD, your strategy | | | | The other strategy we want to look at is "Escape." |
| has to be to learn how to manage the opposition in a | | | | Once the fight with your child is starting or has begun |
| way that slowly leads to its extinction. In the thirty | | | | escalating, you need to find a way to get out of it. First |
| years I worked with kids with ODD, I found that the | | | | of all, you can state your position, turn around and walk |
| following strategies helped improve their behavior and | | | | away and not respond to the child's backtalk. So, for |
| taught them how to cope when someone told them | | | | example, you can say, "It's not time for you to play |
| "no." | | | | video games now. It's time for you to clean your |
| Why "No" Triggers an Explosion | | | | room," and then turn around and remove yourself from |
| Nobody likes the word no, especially children and | | | | the argument. There are cases where you will find |
| adolescents. "No" means disappointment, "no" means | | | | that a kid with ODD is back talking to parents as |
| not getting what you want, and that's frustrating and | | | | they're on their way to do the chore you asked them |
| disappointing for everyone. Most children learn to deal | | | | to do in the first place. Sometimes it seems that their |
| with this somewhere around the age of two and three, | | | | mouth and body are moving in two different directions! |
| when their personality actually forms. Over time, they | | | | Don't let yourself be pulled into the backtalk, either. Just |
| develop the ability to balance their inner wants and | | | | simply go about your business and do something else. |
| needs with outside expectations and responsibility. But | | | | - Redirect your child's behavior |
| for kids with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, the | | | | The third important step in the plan to de-escalate the |
| message they internalize is, "If I'm not in control, bad | | | | oppositional behavior is to "Redirect" the child. |
| things happen. When bad things are happening around | | | | Redirecting is a strategy you can use when the child's |
| me, the only way I can survive is by being in control." | | | | behavior starts to escalate. You can say, "Remember, |
| They react to the word "no" with yelling, threats, | | | | you want to watch that show at 6:30, so stay |
| punching the wall or hurting one of their siblings. And | | | | focused," and then turn around and walk away. This |
| the more chaos and inconsistency they perceive in | | | | redirects their attention to something else and teaches |
| their lives, the more they feel the need to stay in | | | | them to focus on something other than the argument. |
| control. | | | | Redirecting is also helpful in situations where there |
| For many of these kids, opposition and defiance | | | | have been conflicts in the past, and where you know |
| become a way of reacting to authority. Every day | | | | an explosion is likely. You can distract your child by |
| brings a new fight as you try to exercise your | | | | getting him to do something differently early in the |
| authority. Whereas many children learn to accept that | | | | escalation period. So when you see that he is starting |
| they can't be in control all the time, children with ODD | | | | to get agitated, that's the time to send him to do some |
| often experience a sense of panic when they see | | | | alternate task that can be helpful for the family. For |
| they're not getting control. Their parents learn to walk | | | | instance, "Please go get the lettuce out of the |
| around on tiptoes, and too many of them blame | | | | refrigerator and wash it for the salad. That would be a |
| themselves or try to find some person, place or thing | | | | big help." |
| to point the finger at instead of focusing on the task at | | | | Stop Throwing Fuel on the Fire |
| hand, which is, "How can I teach my child how to | | | | I think it's important for parents to understand that once |
| manage things today?" | | | | a kid with ODD starts arguing about being told "no," he |
| Three Ways to De-escalate Oppositional, Defiant | | | | gets very invested in the process of arguing as much |
| Behavior | | | | as the outcome. So in effect, the argument fuels itself. |
| "No" is a powerful word. All children have to learn how | | | | The first thing parents have to do is stop throwing fuel |
| to deal with it, and children with ODD are no different. | | | | on the fire: Don't argue or talk back to the child. State |
| But there are things parents can do to avoid or | | | | the rule, state the expectation or the task at hand, and |
| escape from explosive behavior, or to redirect their | | | | walk away. When times are calm, sit down with your |
| child's behavior. | | | | child and have a discussion and say, briefly and |
| I want you to remember those words: "Avoid", | | | | concisely, "I don't think arguing helps us solve our |
| "Escape" and "Redirect." Because we want to try to | | | | problems. So I'm not going to argue with you anymore. |
| avoid conflicts with ODD kids, or escape those | | | | And the time you spend talking back and arguing with |
| conflicts as soon as we can, and redirect them toward | | | | me when I'm not responding will be taken off your |
| something positive. | | | | computer time tonight. 2 minutes for every 1 minute |
| - Avoid the Conflict | | | | you argue." Don't overly explain or justify by giving |
| One of the ways we avoid conflict is by having a | | | | examples. Tell him the rule, but don't sit there and get |
| written structure posted some place where everyone | | | | into an argument about it. Get up and move on to |
| can see it, like on your refrigerator, for example. This is | | | | something else. Expect him to argue right then and |
| really a schedule that would look like the following: | | | | there. But understand that the best way you can deal |
| Daily Schedule Snack and relax: 3:30-4:00 p.m. Chores | | | | with children with this particular disorder is to lay out a |
| and homework: 4:00-to 5:00 p.m.. Free time: 5:00-6:00 | | | | structure and stick with it. |
| p.m. Dinner: 6:00 p.m. Free time after dinner: 7:00 to 7:30 | | | | I think it's important for parents to remember that many |
| p.m. Homework: 7:30 to 8:00 p.m. Bedtime: 8:30 p.m. | | | | of these kids do develop coping skills, it's just that, as |
| I think these kids do better if they come home from | | | | the poet Theodore Roethke said, "a slow growth is a |
| school or day camp, have a little snack, do some | | | | hard thing to endure." Time helps with these guys. Age |
| chores or homework, have brief play time, and then | | | | helps. And they can learn problem-solving and |
| have dinner. After that they can do a few more | | | | negotiation skills, it just takes a little longer, and will take |
| chores, have some free time, then go to bed. Evenings | | | | more patience on your part. Stick to a plan that on one |
| need to be as subdued as possible. When you have | | | | end is flexible enough to deal with their impulses, but on |
| such a schedule and your child says, "I want to play | | | | the other is firm enough to hold them strictly |
| now," you can say, "You know the schedule, Tommy. | | | | accountable, and I believe you will see real change. |
| Playtime isn't till after dinner." Now in this case, although | | | | |