| When I work with couples who are facing divorce, | | | | of their children. This "divorce therapy" becomes a kind |
| there is often a hope, if not a wish, that when the | | | | of family therapy as the children grow older and can |
| divorce papers are final, the issues that led to the | | | | participate in the process themselves. Having the |
| divorce are gone or can be left behind. While this is | | | | divorce therapy or family therapy space for the |
| wonderful wishful thinking, what I have found is quite | | | | children gives them hope that even the hardest issues |
| the opposite: the very issues that lead to divorce not | | | | are workable, and that when things feel overwhelming |
| only remain, but also can be more intense without the | | | | or impossible, there is really is a way to make things |
| commitment to work through difficulties that most | | | | better over time. |
| marriage commitments bring. | | | | The thought of being in on-going therapy with an ex- |
| When children are involved, this becomes problematic. | | | | spouse can seem unthinkable or even like torture. Who |
| If mom and dad (or mom and mom or dad and dad) | | | | wants to spend all that money? Who wants to see |
| couldn't work it out when they were married, why on | | | | their ex-spouse regularly and talk about hard issues? |
| earth would you think they could work it out once they | | | | Who wants to be in therapy for years? |
| were divorced....or would even consider trying? | | | | On the upside, therapy costs are far less than legal |
| Children feel all the tension that exists between their | | | | expenses. Couples who work out their emotional |
| divorced parents. And they often suffer when parents | | | | issues in a therapist' office, spend far less fighting each |
| ignore this tension or act out from it. Children often feel | | | | other in court. Too, having parents take responsibility |
| "in the middle" (and are sadly, too often placed in the | | | | for working on their emotional issues gives an |
| middle when parents cannot contain or work through | | | | invaluable model to kids. Emotional illiteracy is epidemic |
| their disappointment, anger, fear, or hurt). And even | | | | in our culture, and learning good communication and |
| when they are not placed in the middle, they still feel | | | | relationship process skills will help both parents and kids |
| pain that their parents are treating one another with | | | | in all areas of their lives. The healing, learning and |
| animosity, contempt, distrust, disrespect, anger or fear. | | | | understanding that divorce or family therapy can offer |
| If parents really love their children, one of the greatest | | | | is well worth the time, the money and the emotional |
| gifts they can give their children once they divorce, is | | | | energy invested. |
| the gift of working through whatever issues are | | | | This is a subject I write about from more than a |
| needed with their ex-spouse so that they can co- | | | | theoretical or even clinical place. It is a subject I have |
| parent in the most respectful way possible. When I | | | | lived myself for the past 10 years. When my ex- |
| say respectful, I mean respect both for the children | | | | husband and I separated and moved towards divorce, |
| and for one another as ex-spouses and co-parents. | | | | I asked that we engage in on-going divorce and family |
| For some divorcing couples, this is work, but doable | | | | therapy until our son was in his early 20's. I am very |
| work. If the couple is divorcing from because of | | | | grateful that my ex-husband agreed. While there have |
| different needs and different goals, yet from a place | | | | been many rocky passages, having the steady |
| of love and respect, it can be easier to put the needs | | | | container of the family therapy has allowed profound |
| of the children first. This requires a degree of maturity | | | | transformation to occur at every possible level. |
| on the part of both divorcing parents, and the ability to | | | | As our son has encountered some of the issues that |
| put the children's needs first and foremost. | | | | led to our divorce, having a place to name them, |
| For many divorcing couples, the pain of the broken | | | | explore them and work with them has created a |
| marriage can be so great that it contaminates all good | | | | sense of safety and empowerment for him. Being able |
| intentions. While intellectually, few divorcing parents can | | | | to develop his own voice and be able to define his |
| argue against putting the needs of their children first, | | | | own needs to his parents has allowed our now 12 |
| deep hurt, anger, pain, and resentment can far | | | | year old son an emotional maturity beyond that of |
| overpower any intellectual understanding. Sometimes it | | | | most of his peers. While he understands why his |
| is surprising how primal behavior between two | | | | parents divorced, he also understands that the issues |
| divorced parents can be. | | | | underlying divorce can still be addressed, worked |
| When one is coming out of a particularly painful or | | | | through and made better in the higher interests of |
| abusive marriage, working it out with the ex-partner | | | | parenting a child. |
| seems virtually impossible. After all, isn't the inability to | | | | For me, as the primary custodial parent, having this |
| work things out the reason why the marriage broke in | | | | space has been invaluable when issues have arisen. |
| the first place? | | | | Knowing there is a place, a time, a container for the |
| I believe strongly that a divorcing couple can benefit | | | | hardest issues allows them to remain contained when |
| profoundly from "divorce therapy"--therapy to help the | | | | appropriate and worked in an appropriate way. When |
| couple work through the divorce and with co-parenting | | | | two people have a child together, they are indeed |
| issues over time, to assure whatever healing is | | | | bound together for life. Honoring this truth, and making |
| possible can take place, and that both parents can | | | | a commitment together to honor the child is a profound |
| make the emotional room to act in the best interests | | | | spiritual journey. |