| Mom!" Your fourteen-year old daughter greets you as | | | | • What purpose does this friendship or group |
| she walks to the car. Your eyes bulge at the blue eye | | | | serve in your daughter's life? |
| shadow and black liner smudged around her eyes. | | | | • How does this friendship enhance her |
| Your daughter turns and waves to a made-up girl in a | | | | self-image? |
| tight shirt and ripped jeans standing on the sidewalk. | | | | • If you take your daughter out of the group, |
| The girl waves back and saunters away, hips swinging | | | | what substitute activity or person can meet her |
| from side to side. | | | | needs? |
| "Who's your friend?" you manage to ask. | | | | "Kids have always been involved in groups. This is to |
| "Oh, no one," she replies. | | | | be expected and can be a very beneficial activity for |
| Sooner or later, our daughter will buddy up with a peer | | | | teenagers. Don't jump to conclusions about new |
| whose values and upbringing do not match our own. | | | | friends or strange clothes. These may be just the |
| We must fight our instincts to lock her in her room until | | | | proverbial 'phase' they're going through." |
| the danger passes. | | | | The one exception is if your child takes up with a gang. |
| "Most experts agree that a friendship with a | | | | "Groups often take on characteristics of their own. |
| less-than-stellar kid is unlikely to have any lingering | | | | People who would never dream of certain behavior on |
| effect on your child, if you handle the situation with | | | | their own or with one or two others seem to become |
| care," says Sue Woodman in her Parenting article, | | | | immune to the cries of inner conscience when they |
| "What To Do When You Don't Like Your Child's | | | | are part of a large group," says Eda LeShan in When |
| Friends." | | | | Your Child Drives You Crazy. |
| Research shows that well-adjusted children are rarely | | | | "Restrictions and punishments are surely no answer, |
| hurt by friendships with their wayward peers. It | | | | however. Such methods tend to push a child into the |
| appears that well-grounded values and kindness rub | | | | welcome embrace of those who won't sit in |
| off quicker than dysfunction and meanness. | | | | judgement upon him. The most important antidote is |
| Many children choose friends who complement them. | | | | free and honest discussion of the temptations and the |
| A shy girl befriends the class clown. A fearful child | | | | dangers," says LeShan. |
| befriends the daredevil. They do so because they get | | | | But how do we talk so our daughter will listen? Show |
| something out of the relationship. As needs change, | | | | faith in her judgement. State our concerns rather than |
| often, so do friendships. | | | | our values say the experts. |
| Nonetheless, as parents, we worry. We worry that | | | | Ellen Rosenberg, in her book, Get A Clue!, suggests the |
| another's values will rub off on our children. We worry | | | | following: |
| that our daughter will make poor decisions in the face | | | | Say, "I know she means a lot to you, but: |
| of temptation. We worry we'll lose the daughter we | | | | • here's what concerns me…" |
| know and love. | | | | • here's how I see you change when |
| If we forbid the friendship, we set up a dilemma for our | | | | you’re with her…" |
| child. Desire to follow the rules conflicts with the desire | | | | • here's how I see you treat your sister when |
| to explore "otherness." Nearly always, the child will | | | | she's around…" |
| choose her own needs and will continue seeing the | | | | • here's what scares me…" |
| forbidden friend at school or social events. For some, | | | | Say, "While I appreciate that continuing this friendship is |
| the adolescent's desire for autonomy makes the | | | | your decision: |
| forbidden friendship all the more attractive. | | | | • I hope you'll be strong about what you let |
| According to Larry Dumont, MD, an adolescent | | | | yourself do." |
| psychiatrist at KidsPeace National Hospital for Kids in | | | | • I hope you'll at least think about this." |
| Crisis, most kids try on many different identities before | | | | • I'm worried about her influence." |
| finding one that fits. | | | | Even though we don't like it, there comes a time when |
| "It's a rite of passage, a sign of their becoming their | | | | we can't control every situation our daughter |
| own person," says Dumont. "Finding their identity and | | | | encounters. In those situations, we hope she will hear |
| discovering their place in the world - these are the | | | | our voice, feel our love, and make the mature choice. If |
| major challenges of the teenage years." | | | | we've talked openly through the years, chances are |
| If your daughter befriends a peer whose behavior | | | | she'll have the insight and strength to make the right |
| worries you, Dumont suggests asking three questions: | | | | decision. |