| Becoming a step parent can often place you in an | | | | allow for adjustment, especially in the critical first few |
| impossible position between the biological parent and | | | | weeks and months following the establishment of this |
| the children unless you fully understand just what you | | | | new relationship. |
| are getting into and take your time and handle the | | | | This initial discussion will not of course be the end of |
| situation with great care. | | | | the matter and several such discussions will need to |
| Step parenting brings its own special problems as the | | | | take place before any truly meaningful and lasting shift |
| new step parent is often caught in the middle between | | | | in parenting responsibilities can take place. |
| the biological parent and the children. Just how much of | | | | Once you are in agreement the next step is to bring |
| a problem you will encounter depends upon a whole | | | | the children on board and this step must initially be led |
| variety of factors, not the least of which will be the | | | | by the biological parent. At an appropriate time the |
| degree of co-operation you receive from the biological | | | | family should all sit down together and the biological |
| parent and the ages of the children involved. | | | | parent should lead off a discussion in which the plan |
| The secret to successful step parenting lies first in | | | | which you have agreed can be revealed to the |
| clearly establishing your role with the biological parent | | | | children and discussed with them. |
| because you will certainly have an uphill struggle if the | | | | At this point it is important to emphasize that this |
| two of you are not fully in agreement from the outset. | | | | should be a genuine discussion and not simply a case |
| As with any changes in a relationship though you must | | | | of the parents 'laying down the law' to the children. It is |
| also realize that adjustments will take time and you | | | | vitally important that the children contribute to the |
| need to adopt a 'step by step' approach. Any attempt | | | | discussion and that their thoughts and views on what |
| to rush things, or to force the situation, will undoubtedly | | | | you have agreed be heard. Children, just like adults, |
| lead to frustration, if not confrontation. The biological | | | | need to be given a sense of control over their own |
| parent may well feel threatened, if only | | | | lives and need to feel comfortable with the situation in |
| sub-consciously, by the need to share parenting and | | | | which they now find themselves. This is not to say |
| will need time to adjust and to develop confidence and | | | | that the children should be given control of the situation, |
| trust in you as a parent to his or her children. | | | | which should remain firmly in the hands of the parents |
| Next, you will clearly need to establish your role with | | | | as the ultimate decision makers within the household, |
| the children who, unless they are very young, will often | | | | but every effort should be made to ensure that they |
| resent being guided by an 'outsider'. You will need to | | | | understand the situation and are as happy with it as is |
| take things slowly and accept that the children will | | | | possible. |
| need time to adjust to the situation before they will | | | | The simple fact that the children can see that their |
| accept you in the role of a parent. Once again, you will | | | | parents have clearly considered the position carefully, |
| need the help of the biological parent in cementing your | | | | and are in agreement about it, will go a long way to |
| relationship with the children. | | | | preventing the children from playing one parent off |
| Any successful transition into step parenting must start | | | | against the other and their inclusion in the process will |
| with a clear and frank discussion with the biological | | | | also help considerably in bringing them on board. |
| parent, during which each party must communicated | | | | Arriving on the scene as a new step parent can be |
| freely and honestly about how they see their role, and | | | | difficult for not only the step parent but for the |
| that of the other party, and you must both reach a | | | | biological parent and the children and all parties will |
| clear agreement on just how you should share the | | | | need to work together slowly and take their time to |
| responsibilities of parenting. This discussion should also | | | | establish an environment in which everyone can live |
| set clear boundaries but should be flexible enough to | | | | happily together. |