| Because children grieve differently from
| |
| | child comes to grips with a problem in
|
| adults, they may appear not to be
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| | simple form: everything is either black
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| mourning at all. One adult client
| |
| | or white, for that is how her mind works.
|
| confessed her long held guilt that as a
| |
| | Fairy tales echo this clarity, but
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| child, the day her sister died, she went
| |
| | present more than the sunny side of life.
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| to a neighbor's to play. This woman has
| |
| | They accomplish their inclusiveness by
|
| been mourning her sister's death for
| |
| | taking seriously our need to be loved,
|
| thirty years. With help, she recalled how
| |
| | our fear of being worthless, and our fear
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| bad she felt about her sister's death,
| |
| | of death, and they teach the child that
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| even though she chose to play. Children
| |
| | struggle against severe difficulties is
|
| often resume play even while hurting
| |
| | an unavoidable part of human existence.
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| inside. They need more physical activity
| |
| | Like their mothers, children need to
|
| to release their strong emotions. Having
| |
| | develop an imaginative life for the
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| a shorter attention span, they also
| |
| | deceased to inhabit. The thought of her
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| require frequent respite from their grief
| |
| | child's death is too horrific for a
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| and will often alternate short periods of
| |
| | mother unless she is able to move into an
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| mourning with pursuing other interests.
| |
| | imaginative realm where she can find a
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| Children's reactions to death are also
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| | safe place for her child to be. There,
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| influenced by their concept of its
| |
| | she slowly develops and nurtures an inner
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| finality, an understanding that
| |
| | relationship. A surviving child also
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| progresses as they pass through
| |
| | carries the experience of her sibling's
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| successive developmental stages. In the
| |
| | death throughout her life, and she too
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| early years, supposing death reversible,
| |
| | needs an inner image of continuation. By
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| children believe a brother or sister will
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| | encouraging a child to draw pictures of
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| return and are not likely to be
| |
| | her family, a little one may find a place
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| devastated. They attribute the imagined
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| | in her drawing for her missing sibling.
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| return of life to the good effects of
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| | She may also find comfort in writing
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| ambulances, hospitals, or doctors who
| |
| | letters or poetry to the deceased.
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| will magically revive the deceased. In
| |
| | Six-year-old Maggie found great comfort,
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| the middle years, most children recognize
| |
| | and relief from her fears, by painting
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| that death is permanent, but some, even
| |
| | pictures and writing poetry. She wrote
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| at age nine or ten, still believe the
| |
| | the following poem on Halloween, honoring
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| deceased will return.
| |
| | her three-year-old brother who drowned in
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| We can already see that there is no set
| |
| | a swimming pool.
|
| age for each developmental stage of a
| |
| | About My Brother
|
| child's understanding. When asked, "What
| |
| | About my brother, he was the best
|
| will happen when you die?" one
| |
| | I haven't any scissors
|
| nine-year-old said that his mother,
| |
| | But I have a spare of love to give him
|
| father, and grandfather would help him
| |
| | another heart.
|
| come back alive. Another eight-year-old
| |
| | I haven't any glue either,
|
| replied, "You go to heaven and all that
| |
| | But for Halloween, I'm going to be a Cat
|
| will be left of you will be a skeleton.
| |
| | Woman
|
| My friend has some fossils of people. A
| |
| | I've already got my costume
|
| fossil is just a skeleton." A
| |
| | I think he would like it.
|
| ten-year-old responded, "I think I'm
| |
| | When I call to him, it makes me want to
|
| going to be reincarnated as a plant or
| |
| | scream
|
| animal, whatever they need at that
| |
| | I LOVE YOU, CHIP!
|
| particular time."
| |
| | You are on my TV screen in my heart
|
| Although children often provide concrete
| |
| | But my heart has a little feeling,
|
| answers when asked what will happen at
| |
| | A sad one, it's true
|
| death, answers suggesting finality, they
| |
| | I won't sell it for some money,
|
| also manifest an intuitive sense that
| |
| | I won't sell it for love.
|
| growth of some kind can continue after
| |
| | I won't sell it for anything
|
| death -- just as the drawings of dying
| |
| | But you fly like a dove.
|
| children in Rhoda Kellog's work show a
| |
| | By encouraging drawing, questions,
|
| sense of life's wholeness. A child who
| |
| | storytelling, and writing about the
|
| hears the story of ""Little Red Riding
| |
| | deceased, a mother can also identify some
|
| Hood," for example, understands that when
| |
| | negative thoughts that may be plaguing
|
| the little one was swallowed by the wolf
| |
| | her child. Children often believe in
|
| she really "died." Yet she also
| |
| | magical thinking, that just thinking
|
| understands that Little Red Riding Hood
| |
| | something can make it happen. Because
|
| comes to life again (springs from the
| |
| | they sometimes harbored aggressive
|
| belly of the wolf). The theme of life's
| |
| | fantasies in the past, they may even
|
| transformations is the message of many
| |
| | think the sibling's death their fault.
|
| fairy tales, and it also seems that
| |
| | Simply hearing once and for all this is
|
| children have an archetypal knowledge of
| |
| | not the case will not convince them
|
| the life cycle of death and rebirth, just
| |
| | otherwise, but careful listening combined
|
| like adults. Fairy tales portray
| |
| | with thoughtful questions and comments
|
| transformation concretely -- a frog
| |
| | about one's own concept of the cause of
|
| actually turns into a prince, for
| |
| | death may alleviate their sense of guilt.
|
| example, only because children have not
| |
| | Sometimes anxiety will cause a child to
|
| yet learned to think in abstract terms.
| |
| | repeat the same questions over and over
|
| Children also know intuitively what they
| |
| | again. Nevertheless, mothers should
|
| need in order to heal themselves after
| |
| | answer all questions truthfully and
|
| loss, but they cannot heal alone. First,
| |
| | succinctly, in language the child
|
| they must be freed of carrying too much
| |
| | understands. A child needs encouragement
|
| concern for their grieving parents.
| |
| | to talk about the actual day of death
|
| Children are so attuned to the unspoken
| |
| | even if she often repeats questions like,
|
| moods and feelings of their parents'
| |
| | "Where was I that day?" "How did I hear
|
| sadness that they may try to protect them
| |
| | about the death?" "What did I do next?"
|
| by not showing their own. The most
| |
| | "What was it like at the funeral?" "Where
|
| important aid in a child's grief process
| |
| | is my sister now?"
|
| is a safe environment where she can
| |
| | Surviving children also need continued
|
| express her thoughts and feelings.
| |
| | reassurance, even if they show little
|
| Paradoxically, by not hiding her own
| |
| | outward emotion. There is almost always a
|
| grief, a mother can begin to provide that
| |
| | heightened fear of being separated from
|
| safe environment.
| |
| | their parents. Because humans cannot
|
| If a child feels safe, she will begin to
| |
| | survive without a nurturing other, our
|
| create a story about her relationship
| |
| | archetypal fear of abandonment is present
|
| with her sibling and her own thoughts and
| |
| | from birth. After the death of a sibling,
|
| feelings about the death. Mothers can
| |
| | abandonment fear arises, not only from
|
| help each child understand her personal
| |
| | missing the deceased but also because
|
| experience by encouraging her to talk
| |
| | parents are often emotionally
|
| about what she misses most and what she
| |
| | unavailable. School phobias, nightmares,
|
| would have liked to have been different.
| |
| | bed wetting, and psychosomatic ills are
|
| Here again, the story will not be told in
| |
| | symptoms of this fear which is often
|
| one sitting. Though very difficult, it is
| |
| | called separation anxiety.
|
| important that a mother be available
| |
| | Because all children feel vulnerable,
|
| whenever her child is ready to talk. By
| |
| | those who have been taught there is a
|
| sharing her own experiences then and
| |
| | loving and heavenly Father are more
|
| asking open-ended questions, both at a
| |
| | likely to feel protected even in times
|
| time when a child is ready to share, a
| |
| | when parents fail them. Conversely,
|
| mother creates a continuation of the
| |
| | however, when a child dies, her siblings
|
| family story with her child.
| |
| | strive to answer the same questions as
|
| To help a child comprehend what may
| |
| | the parents about God's power and love.
|
| happen when a person dies, we can also
| |
| | In the following chapters we will see
|
| offer new dimensions in imagination
| |
| | that how a child dies introduces a
|
| through fairy tales, art work, and
| |
| | variety of factors that complicate this
|
| religious stories, thus lessening the
| |
| | existential struggle.
|
| fear of death and also giving more
| |
| | Excerpted from And a Sword Shall Pierce
|
| meaning to life. Children are
| |
| | Your Heart: Moving from Despair to
|
| particularly drawn to fairy tales because
| |
| | Meaning After the Death of a Child by
|
| authentic folklore stories enhance
| |
| | Charlotte M. Mathes, LCSW, Ph.D.
|
| imagination, alleviate anxieties, clarify
| |
| | Copyright © 2006 Charlotte Mathes.
|
| emotions, and suggest solutions to
| |
| | Published by Chiron Publications;
|
| problems. They enrich a child's life
| |
| | September 2005;$19.95US/$23.50CAN;
|
| because they start where she really is in
| |
| | 978-1888602340.
|
| her psychological and emotional being. A
| |
| |
|
