| Because children grieve differently from adults, they | | | | tales echo this clarity, but present more than the sunny |
| may appear not to be mourning at all. One adult client | | | | side of life. They accomplish their inclusiveness by |
| confessed her long held guilt that as a child, the day | | | | taking seriously our need to be loved, our fear of being |
| her sister died, she went to a neighbor's to play. This | | | | worthless, and our fear of death, and they teach the |
| woman has been mourning her sister's death for thirty | | | | child that struggle against severe difficulties is an |
| years. With help, she recalled how bad she felt about | | | | unavoidable part of human existence. |
| her sister's death, even though she chose to play. | | | | Like their mothers, children need to develop an |
| Children often resume play even while hurting inside. | | | | imaginative life for the deceased to inhabit. The thought |
| They need more physical activity to release their | | | | of her child's death is too horrific for a mother unless |
| strong emotions. Having a shorter attention span, they | | | | she is able to move into an imaginative realm where |
| also require frequent respite from their grief and will | | | | she can find a safe place for her child to be. There, |
| often alternate short periods of mourning with pursuing | | | | she slowly develops and nurtures an inner relationship. |
| other interests. | | | | A surviving child also carries the experience of her |
| Children's reactions to death are also influenced by | | | | sibling's death throughout her life, and she too needs an |
| their concept of its finality, an understanding that | | | | inner image of continuation. By encouraging a child to |
| progresses as they pass through successive | | | | draw pictures of her family, a little one may find a |
| developmental stages. In the early years, supposing | | | | place in her drawing for her missing sibling. She may |
| death reversible, children believe a brother or sister will | | | | also find comfort in writing letters or poetry to the |
| return and are not likely to be devastated. They | | | | deceased. Six-year-old Maggie found great comfort, |
| attribute the imagined return of life to the good effects | | | | and relief from her fears, by painting pictures and |
| of ambulances, hospitals, or doctors who will magically | | | | writing poetry. She wrote the following poem on |
| revive the deceased. In the middle years, most children | | | | Halloween, honoring her three-year-old brother who |
| recognize that death is permanent, but some, even at | | | | drowned in a swimming pool. |
| age nine or ten, still believe the deceased will return. | | | | About My Brother |
| We can already see that there is no set age for each | | | | About my brother, he was the best |
| developmental stage of a child's understanding. When | | | | I haven't any scissors |
| asked, "What will happen when you die?" one | | | | But I have a spare of love to give him another heart. |
| nine-year-old said that his mother, father, and | | | | I haven't any glue either, |
| grandfather would help him come back alive. Another | | | | But for Halloween, I'm going to be a Cat Woman |
| eight-year-old replied, "You go to heaven and all that | | | | I've already got my costume |
| will be left of you will be a skeleton. My friend has | | | | I think he would like it. |
| some fossils of people. A fossil is just a skeleton." A | | | | When I call to him, it makes me want to scream |
| ten-year-old responded, "I think I'm going to be | | | | I LOVE YOU, CHIP! |
| reincarnated as a plant or animal, whatever they need | | | | You are on my TV screen in my heart |
| at that particular time." | | | | But my heart has a little feeling, |
| Although children often provide concrete answers | | | | A sad one, it's true |
| when asked what will happen at death, answers | | | | I won't sell it for some money, |
| suggesting finality, they also manifest an intuitive sense | | | | I won't sell it for love. |
| that growth of some kind can continue after death -- | | | | I won't sell it for anything |
| just as the drawings of dying children in Rhoda Kellog's | | | | But you fly like a dove. |
| work show a sense of life's wholeness. A child who | | | | By encouraging drawing, questions, storytelling, and |
| hears the story of ""Little Red Riding Hood," for | | | | writing about the deceased, a mother can also identify |
| example, understands that when the little one was | | | | some negative thoughts that may be plaguing her child. |
| swallowed by the wolf she really "died." Yet she also | | | | Children often believe in magical thinking, that just |
| understands that Little Red Riding Hood comes to life | | | | thinking something can make it happen. Because they |
| again (springs from the belly of the wolf). The theme | | | | sometimes harbored aggressive fantasies in the past, |
| of life's transformations is the message of many fairy | | | | they may even think the sibling's death their fault. |
| tales, and it also seems that children have an | | | | Simply hearing once and for all this is not the case will |
| archetypal knowledge of the life cycle of death and | | | | not convince them otherwise, but careful listening |
| rebirth, just like adults. Fairy tales portray | | | | combined with thoughtful questions and comments |
| transformation concretely -- a frog actually turns into a | | | | about one's own concept of the cause of death may |
| prince, for example, only because children have not yet | | | | alleviate their sense of guilt. |
| learned to think in abstract terms. | | | | Sometimes anxiety will cause a child to repeat the |
| Children also know intuitively what they need in order | | | | same questions over and over again. Nevertheless, |
| to heal themselves after loss, but they cannot heal | | | | mothers should answer all questions truthfully and |
| alone. First, they must be freed of carrying too much | | | | succinctly, in language the child understands. A child |
| concern for their grieving parents. Children are so | | | | needs encouragement to talk about the actual day of |
| attuned to the unspoken moods and feelings of their | | | | death even if she often repeats questions like, "Where |
| parents' sadness that they may try to protect them by | | | | was I that day?" "How did I hear about the death?" |
| not showing their own. The most important aid in a | | | | "What did I do next?" "What was it like at the funeral?" |
| child's grief process is a safe environment where she | | | | "Where is my sister now?" |
| can express her thoughts and feelings. Paradoxically, | | | | Surviving children also need continued reassurance, |
| by not hiding her own grief, a mother can begin to | | | | even if they show little outward emotion. There is |
| provide that safe environment. | | | | almost always a heightened fear of being separated |
| If a child feels safe, she will begin to create a story | | | | from their parents. Because humans cannot survive |
| about her relationship with her sibling and her own | | | | without a nurturing other, our archetypal fear of |
| thoughts and feelings about the death. Mothers can | | | | abandonment is present from birth. After the death of |
| help each child understand her personal experience by | | | | a sibling, abandonment fear arises, not only from |
| encouraging her to talk about what she misses most | | | | missing the deceased but also because parents are |
| and what she would have liked to have been different. | | | | often emotionally unavailable. School phobias, |
| Here again, the story will not be told in one sitting. | | | | nightmares, bed wetting, and psychosomatic ills are |
| Though very difficult, it is important that a mother be | | | | symptoms of this fear which is often called separation |
| available whenever her child is ready to talk. By sharing | | | | anxiety. |
| her own experiences then and asking open-ended | | | | Because all children feel vulnerable, those who have |
| questions, both at a time when a child is ready to | | | | been taught there is a loving and heavenly Father are |
| share, a mother creates a continuation of the family | | | | more likely to feel protected even in times when |
| story with her child. | | | | parents fail them. Conversely, however, when a child |
| To help a child comprehend what may happen when a | | | | dies, her siblings strive to answer the same questions |
| person dies, we can also offer new dimensions in | | | | as the parents about God's power and love. In the |
| imagination through fairy tales, art work, and religious | | | | following chapters we will see that how a child dies |
| stories, thus lessening the fear of death and also giving | | | | introduces a variety of factors that complicate this |
| more meaning to life. Children are particularly drawn to | | | | existential struggle. |
| fairy tales because authentic folklore stories enhance | | | | Excerpted from And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart: |
| imagination, alleviate anxieties, clarify emotions, and | | | | Moving from Despair to Meaning After the Death of a |
| suggest solutions to problems. They enrich a child's life | | | | Child by Charlotte M. Mathes, LCSW, Ph.D. Copyright |
| because they start where she really is in her | | | | © 2006 Charlotte Mathes. Published by Chiron |
| psychological and emotional being. A child comes to | | | | Publications; September 2005;$19.95US/$23.50CAN; |
| grips with a problem in simple form: everything is either | | | | 978-1888602340. |
| black or white, for that is how her mind works. Fairy | | | | |