| Because children grieve differently from | | | | |
| adults, they may appear not to be mourning at | | | | Like their mothers, children need to develop |
| all. One adult client confessed her long held | | | | an imaginative life for the deceased to |
| guilt that as a child, the day her sister | | | | inhabit. The thought of her child's death is |
| died, she went to a neighbor's to play. This | | | | too horrific for a mother unless she is able |
| woman has been mourning her sister's death | | | | to move into an imaginative realm where she |
| for thirty years. With help, she recalled how | | | | can find a safe place for her child to be. |
| bad she felt about her sister's death, even | | | | There, she slowly develops and nurtures an |
| though she chose to play. Children often | | | | inner relationship. A surviving child also |
| resume play even while hurting inside. They | | | | carries the experience of her sibling's death |
| need more physical activity to release their | | | | throughout her life, and she too needs an |
| strong emotions. Having a shorter attention | | | | inner image of continuation. By encouraging a |
| span, they also require frequent respite from | | | | child to draw pictures of her family, a |
| their grief and will often alternate short | | | | little one may find a place in her drawing |
| periods of mourning with pursuing other | | | | for her missing sibling. She may also find |
| interests. | | | | comfort in writing letters or poetry to the |
| | | | deceased. Six-year-old Maggie found great |
| Children's reactions to death are also | | | | comfort, and relief from her fears, by |
| influenced by their concept of its finality, | | | | painting pictures and writing poetry. She |
| an understanding that progresses as they pass | | | | wrote the following poem on Halloween, |
| through successive developmental stages. In | | | | honoring her three-year-old brother who |
| the early years, supposing death reversible, | | | | drowned in a swimming pool. |
| children believe a brother or sister will | | | | |
| return and are not likely to be devastated. | | | | About My Brother |
| They attribute the imagined return of life to | | | | |
| the good effects of ambulances, hospitals, or | | | | About my brother, he was the best |
| doctors who will magically revive the | | | | |
| deceased. In the middle years, most children | | | | I haven't any scissors |
| recognize that death is permanent, but some, | | | | |
| even at age nine or ten, still believe the | | | | But I have a spare of love to give him |
| deceased will return. | | | | another heart. |
| | | | |
| We can already see that there is no set age | | | | I haven't any glue either, |
| for each developmental stage of a child's | | | | |
| understanding. When asked, "What will happen | | | | But for Halloween, I'm going to be a Cat |
| when you die?" one nine-year-old said that | | | | Woman |
| his mother, father, and grandfather would | | | | |
| help him come back alive. Another | | | | I've already got my costume |
| eight-year-old replied, "You go to heaven and | | | | |
| all that will be left of you will be a | | | | I think he would like it. |
| skeleton. My friend has some fossils of | | | | |
| people. A fossil is just a skeleton." A | | | | When I call to him, it makes me want to |
| ten-year-old responded, "I think I'm going to | | | | scream |
| be reincarnated as a plant or animal, | | | | |
| whatever they need at that particular time." | | | | I LOVE YOU, CHIP! |
| | | | |
| Although children often provide concrete | | | | You are on my TV screen in my heart |
| answers when asked what will happen at death, | | | | |
| answers suggesting finality, they also | | | | But my heart has a little feeling, |
| manifest an intuitive sense that growth of | | | | |
| some kind can continue after death -- just as | | | | A sad one, it's true |
| the drawings of dying children in Rhoda | | | | |
| Kellog's work show a sense of life's | | | | I won't sell it for some money, |
| wholeness. A child who hears the story of | | | | |
| ""Little Red Riding Hood," for example, | | | | I won't sell it for love. |
| understands that when the little one was | | | | |
| swallowed by the wolf she really "died." Yet | | | | I won't sell it for anything |
| she also understands that Little Red Riding | | | | |
| Hood comes to life again (springs from the | | | | But you fly like a dove. |
| belly of the wolf). The theme of life's | | | | |
| transformations is the message of many fairy | | | | By encouraging drawing, questions, |
| tales, and it also seems that children have | | | | storytelling, and writing about the deceased, |
| an archetypal knowledge of the life cycle of | | | | a mother can also identify some negative |
| death and rebirth, just like adults. Fairy | | | | thoughts that may be plaguing her child. |
| tales portray transformation concretely -- a | | | | Children often believe in magical thinking, |
| frog actually turns into a prince, for | | | | that just thinking something can make it |
| example, only because children have not yet | | | | happen. Because they sometimes harbored |
| learned to think in abstract terms. | | | | aggressive fantasies in the past, they may |
| | | | even think the sibling's death their fault. |
| Children also know intuitively what they need | | | | Simply hearing once and for all this is not |
| in order to heal themselves after loss, but | | | | the case will not convince them otherwise, |
| they cannot heal alone. First, they must be | | | | but careful listening combined with |
| freed of carrying too much concern for their | | | | thoughtful questions and comments about one's |
| grieving parents. Children are so attuned to | | | | own concept of the cause of death may |
| the unspoken moods and feelings of their | | | | alleviate their sense of guilt. |
| parents' sadness that they may try to protect | | | | |
| them by not showing their own. The most | | | | Sometimes anxiety will cause a child to |
| important aid in a child's grief process is a | | | | repeat the same questions over and over |
| safe environment where she can express her | | | | again. Nevertheless, mothers should answer |
| thoughts and feelings. Paradoxically, by not | | | | all questions truthfully and succinctly, in |
| hiding her own grief, a mother can begin to | | | | language the child understands. A child needs |
| provide that safe environment. | | | | encouragement to talk about the actual day of |
| | | | death even if she often repeats questions |
| If a child feels safe, she will begin to | | | | like, "Where was I that day?" "How did I hear |
| create a story about her relationship with | | | | about the death?" "What did I do next?" "What |
| her sibling and her own thoughts and feelings | | | | was it like at the funeral?" "Where is my |
| about the death. Mothers can help each child | | | | sister now?" |
| understand her personal experience by | | | | |
| encouraging her to talk about what she misses | | | | Surviving children also need continued |
| most and what she would have liked to have | | | | reassurance, even if they show little outward |
| been different. Here again, the story will | | | | emotion. There is almost always a heightened |
| not be told in one sitting. Though very | | | | fear of being separated from their parents. |
| difficult, it is important that a mother be | | | | Because humans cannot survive without a |
| available whenever her child is ready to | | | | nurturing other, our archetypal fear of |
| talk. By sharing her own experiences then and | | | | abandonment is present from birth. After the |
| asking open-ended questions, both at a time | | | | death of a sibling, abandonment fear arises, |
| when a child is ready to share, a mother | | | | not only from missing the deceased but also |
| creates a continuation of the family story | | | | because parents are often emotionally |
| with her child. | | | | unavailable. School phobias, nightmares, bed |
| | | | wetting, and psychosomatic ills are symptoms |
| To help a child comprehend what may happen | | | | of this fear which is often called separation |
| when a person dies, we can also offer new | | | | anxiety. |
| dimensions in imagination through fairy | | | | |
| tales, art work, and religious stories, thus | | | | Because all children feel vulnerable, those |
| lessening the fear of death and also giving | | | | who have been taught there is a loving and |
| more meaning to life. Children are | | | | heavenly Father are more likely to feel |
| particularly drawn to fairy tales because | | | | protected even in times when parents fail |
| authentic folklore stories enhance | | | | them. Conversely, however, when a child dies, |
| imagination, alleviate anxieties, clarify | | | | her siblings strive to answer the same |
| emotions, and suggest solutions to problems. | | | | questions as the parents about God's power |
| They enrich a child's life because they start | | | | and love. In the following chapters we will |
| where she really is in her psychological and | | | | see that how a child dies introduces a |
| emotional being. A child comes to grips with | | | | variety of factors that complicate this |
| a problem in simple form: everything is | | | | existential struggle. |
| either black or white, for that is how her | | | | |
| mind works. Fairy tales echo this clarity, | | | | Excerpted from And a Sword Shall Pierce Your |
| but present more than the sunny side of life. | | | | Heart: Moving from Despair to Meaning After |
| They accomplish their inclusiveness by taking | | | | the Death of a Child by Charlotte M. Mathes, |
| seriously our need to be loved, our fear of | | | | LCSW, Ph.D. Copyright © 2006 Charlotte |
| being worthless, and our fear of death, and | | | | Mathes. Published by Chiron Publications; |
| they teach the child that struggle against | | | | September 2005;$19.95US/$23.50CAN; |
| severe difficulties is an unavoidable part of | | | | 978-1888602340. |
| human existence. | | | | |